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Newest Member: May28

Divorce/Separation :
This is really it. Word Vomit My Feelings. Join me in my Sadness!

Topic is Sleeping.
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 shewp (original poster new member #82644) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I need to just get this out. I'm hoping someone can relate or can share a story of the "happily ever after" after divorce.

We haven't spoken in over 60 days. We have no kids, no property, nothing to argue over. I am taking what I owned, he is taking what he owned and money isn't a factor in any of this we both do fine for ourselves.

I've dealt with this compulsive cheater and the love of my life for 6 long years. The last 2 married. I married him long after the first Dday. Long after the second. I should have known better. I knew it was foolish and I knew in my gut that it was wrong on some level. But, I can honestly say, at the time we married our relationship felt perfect. There had been no cheating (that I suspected or knew of for a few years and I figured that was a part of our history and that we were moving forward and both happy...in hindsight I'm positive there was at least communication with OW and at least 1 other) He cheated with me with the same woman over and over... but also others mixed in there. I'm humiliated. Broken. But also proud with how I've done this. Once I caught him cheating, I went NC. No big drawn out confrontation, nothing. Didn't even block him just never answered his calls or responded to his texts. Literally, everything has been done through attorney's and we will most likely be legally divorced before 2024.

Time is supposed to heal everything. And I know that leaving him for good is the right thing. I know that I can never communicate with him ever again. The things this man has done to me the past 6 years make me feel ashamed and embarrassed of how much I "love" him. I'm coming to terms that I was in love with who I wanted him to be and not the real person in front of me. This is #2 for me. My children are growing much closer to grown. I am only 40 so I just feel too young to "settle" for a cheater. I was also a former habitual cheater and liar myself. Through the last 4 years and INTENSIVE therapy and self work I can honestly say I would never cause someone that kind of pain again. I'm healthy. Healed. Able to be alone even if that means forever, rather than settle for less than I deserve. I just hope that I find love again. I am nowhere near ready to even think of dating. I just hope this isn't it for me. I was devastated by my first divorce until I met my current stbx. For 2 years after divorce I cried almost every day. I don't cry every day but I do feel empty. It physically feels as if there is a hole in my chest that I can feel in my throat. Share with me SI community. Tell me your tales of woe so I know I'm not alone.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780400
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Shewp

I can’t really share a personal story because I didn’t divorce per se. I terminated an engagement (of a 5 year relationship) 4 weeks and 6 days before our big, all-out 100 guest wedding.

What I can share is this:
A lot of research has been done on divorce and recovery. A lot of it shows comparable results: When asked 12 months after divorce a vast majority (over 60%) say that the issues could have been resolved and there is regret for divorcing.
Same group asked at the 18 month mark… Nearly everyone (over 85%) was extremely happy with divorce and had no regret!

What this indicates is that divorce is just like a sore on your arm that needs to heal. It slowly recovers and eventually the scab falls off leaving you with some - hopefully minuscule – scar.

This is in line with research on how long it takes parents to recover from the initial deadening pain of losing a child, the pain of becoming a widow/widower and in fact generally most major trauma. It just take us 12-18 months.

What you can try is focus on becoming one of the 40% that was happy with divorce after 12 months, and make 100% certain you are NOT one of the 15% that still had doubts at the 18 month mark!

Me? I felt there was no reason to wake up in the morning for the first 6 months. Yet I actively worked at recovery. At about the 8 month mark I realized that I felt sad, but didn’t immediately remember why. I had to mentally think "Oh! You are sad because she cheated on you!" to return to righteous sadness… That enabled me to decide to NOT stay sad just for the sake of being sad… It’s less Zen-like than it sounds…
At the 12 month mark I fully understood that I was healing, and the scar wouldn’t be permanent. Met my present wife at about the 18 month mark…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12407   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8780497
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 shewp (original poster new member #82644) posted at 3:06 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Thank you that's amazing that you met your new wife at the 18 month mark. If you don't mind me asking were you actively dating. If so at what point did you start?

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780512
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:13 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I'm almost 5 years from dday1, and D was final 2 years ago. It was about 10 months after I was in my own place that I realized I was content and happy. I found myself humming along with the car radio, which I hadn't done in forever.

I'm almost 60. I haven't started dating yet, and not sure when I will. I'd rather be alone and happy than with somebody and miserable.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8780624
Topic is Sleeping.
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