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I'm having a really hard time dealing with all the beautiful memories we had together.
We had some amazing times where we were genuinely happy.

I keep imagining her face, her radiant smile, the love in her eyes, her voice. The way we laughed together, all the inside jokes. Just sharing my thoughts with her. Embracing her, her smell, the way she would stroke my hair until I fell asleep, waking up with her next to me.

It's killing me, it's devastating that she threw that all away.

How did you stop thinking about them and all the good times in the relationship?

I can't stop crying about the loss, and knowing that she's not thinking or feeling the same things i am. That she's happy with her AP doing all the things we used to do. I feel so alone.

I’m so sorry for you. But here’s another perspective.

Her relationship started as an affair. 🚩

Chance of it working out is low. Chance they are truly happy for very long is even lower. Why? They are liars and cheaters. They know what the other person did to get to the affair. One of them will get bored or something— and then choose to cheat b/c this isn’t what they envisioned.

You imagine them sailing off into the sunset. Living happily blah blah blah. That may be how it is now. But it won’t last. They cannot even begin to trust each other.

I’ll tell you a true story that will give you some perspective. Big time corporate exec had a long term affair. D’d his wife to marry the OW.

Turns out the OW was a very vain and possessive alcoholic. His adult children despised her. She never let him go anywhere without her. He never saw his kids w/out her.

She required tons of plastic surgery to keep up with her youthful appearance. She needed spa weekends and vacations and jewelry and cars etc.

Big corporate exec was miserable. But to save face he couldn’t D her b/c that would be an embarrassment to him. He would never admit he made a mistake.

Life with the OW wasn’t anything like he imagined.

Don’t believe the fairy take the cheating spouse is portraying.

((Big virtual hug))

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice about how to stop thinking about the good times. It’s painful when you’re separated physically and on paper, but not in your heart.

The best thing you can do yourself is to try to fill up your free time with activities you enjoy that will keep your mind occupied. The gym or any kind of intense physical activity really helps a lot to distract your mind and relieve stress. Spend some time with friends or take up some hobbies (ideally ones your ex had no interest in!).

You will get through this; it will just take time. We’re here for you.

Thank you, 1st and Blue. I'm trying to do things when I can. Getting out of bed seems like an endeavor nowadays. I can barely get through a workday without tearing up. This pain is unreal.

I know that my stbxw relationship with AP is likely not sustainable, given that he's her teacher's assistant and he's 21 and she's 34. But damn if it doesn't hurt still.

I just wish there was an off switch for the love I have for her. I know it will take time, I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much.

I'm trying to look at the positive, I really am. But those negative thoughts creep in it's difficult to break the cycle.

Please cut yourself some slack. If you’re getting up every morning, showing up to work, and surviving every day, then you are doing all that can reasonably be expected of you at this point in time.

Whenever I get those "happy flashbacks" I immediately force myself to think of the "bad flashbacks". Not necessarily things on the triggering aspect, but things that (in retrospect) made me feel miserable.
It could be just time passing by, or me conditioning myself.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with all the beautiful memories we had together…how do you deal?

You store it away in a special place where you don’t stare too long lest you break down and cry.

That was a chapter in your life that has now closed. Cherish those moments and look forward to your next chapter. Life is built on these "once brief shining moments".

Start planning for your next chapter full of many various brief shining moments.

And rest contented that all was not lost or wasted in this last chapter of your life, even if it didn’t end well, it still yielded good experiences and fond, cherishable memories.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:02 PM, Sunday, February 12th]

OP - The way you have to deal with it is just accept the fact that your EX is a deceiving person. You don't know if your entire relationship with her was just a lie or was the truth.

She's cheating now, she could have been cheating with others prior, you have no way of knowing. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

You are mourning the death of a relationship YOU THOUGHT you had. In reality you were deceived, you were played and you were taken advantage of. Once you accept this, you will quit thinking of her, you won't want anything to do with her and you will move on.

Here's another probability. When her AP dumps her, she will come crawling back to you. This almost ALWAYS happens when a cheater looses the "Lust" phase of her current relationship. You must prepare yourself NOT TO TAKE HER BACK when this happens.

I've learned a long time ago, a woman can not love a man she doesn't respect. She has been showing you the ultimate disrespect and if you take her back, she'll respect you even worst. If and when she comes back to you, its because she wants your resources until she can find your replacement again.

You must become a Alpha Male, Beta's get walked over and used. Hence why these women seem to always flock to the "bad boys" and use the "nice guys". You need to channel your own "bad boy". Remember any red flags that are seen, be willing to walk. If you walk, you never take them back. They need to know that if they cross you, they lose you forever.

I know it sucks, but we all learn this lesson the hard way at one time in our lives.

Right now, it seems like your breakup is recent. Just focus on yourself, go to the gym, re-associate with old friends and do things you have always wanted to do. Keep busy and completely go no contact with your ex. No exceptions.

[This message edited by Txquail at 10:09 PM, Sunday, February 12th]

You are doing as well as can be expected.

I didn’t have the luxury of hiding under the covers b/c I had kids at the time. I had to show up.

But I cried all day every day for months. I physically shook with anxiety and fear. I couldn’t eat. I slept 45 minutes a night for straight 90 days.

You are doing much better than I did. It does get better. It just takes time.