SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In 2012, I had a nervous breakdown. I was paranoid, delusional, filled with anxiety and battling with psychosis. I had to grow up pretty fast. I had my first child at 16 and second at 17 years old. I moved out to live with my now husband at 17 years old and by the age of 23 I had had five children by c-section. My parents were in and out of prison and battled with addictions so by the time I was 13 years old I had lived in over 10 different households due to my parents struggles.

I used to be an athlete and had several scholarships and was involved in a lot of extra curricular activities. In the beginning of my relationship my husband was a loud confident football jock who was very popular. He had a lot of friends and was very charming and a holster. He skippped school smoked weed had a bad rep for being a ladies man and had female friends. Yet he was very sweet to me. He would buy me lunch everyday, come to my games and take me out. He would get jealous anytime I communicated with boys and didn’t approve of me having male friends. After I moved in with him he changed. He became controlling and abusive and didn’t want to work. I have pictures of my broken ankle, busted lips, bruised jaws, blood dripping from my head. I’ve been choked dragged, punched in the eyes & face. Almost ran over by cars. We’ve been together 21 years and have had about twenty fights. They were usually because he wanted to control me. He would go to the park around the corner with his friends hang out at their houses or be playing video games. The sweetness stopped for a while and anytime I wanted to go somewhere he wouldn’t babysit. He wouldn’t change diapers or make bottles. Still I stayed. I lived with him at different relatives houses and we survived. There were times that I was the breadwinner and walking the kids to school and daycare or catching rides until eventually I went back to school and graduated and bought a car and and rented a house we’ve been in 9 years now.

At one point I started rebuilding my confidence and started socializing again. I grew up singing and started meeting with producers. My husband doesn’t support my dreams and thinks I live in fantasy land. He complained about me going to meet a producer at a networking event but I still went because I took my sisters. Long story short they end up getting in a fight and I was in the ER all night with a dead phone and no charger. I got back around 5 am the next morning to accusations and questions. He had assumed I went and had sex with this man and questioned me about it for three days. He went through my search history and social medias. Eventually it died down. Then about a year later he comes and says he cheated on me. First he says he went to a brothel then a month later confessed to having a threesome with a man he calls his brother and receiving only a blow job from a woman he didn’t know. This confused me because initially I actually felt sad that he really thought I’d cheating and he seemed so filled with remorse. But then I was suspicious and started looking at his Facebook activity,

I’m not usually a jealous person but my husbands Facebook activity concerns me. He posts love reactions to womens photos and send hearts and fire emojis on their stories. Some of the women refer to him as baby and boo. He’ll say things like "you’re looking grown". He compliments them and reacts to videos of their children. He’ll say things like "that almost made me cry". "They’re growing up so fast." I miss them, I don’t know they’re children. A few of the girls have posted sexual memes and he’ll comment 👀. He’s not affectionate towards the women in his family. One girl from highschool he met after me he posted a tribute to her on her birthday recalling the first day he met her on different occasions. He’s always in her comments telling jokes and trying to make her laugh. They talk about their favorite shows and sports team. He usually likes or comments on her posts. One comment he made was like " beautiful baby, beautiful skirt swoop!!" Or he’ll say he’s proud of her. There were messages where he would say he loved her. As soon as she had a business I remember him telling me about it and purchasing a product from her and posting online. When she went vegan he told me. When she was going to the gym he told me. He says he tells me about her so I can have more friends. I found out he used to go to her house to hang out with her and her cousins his friends and he knows all her family. He made up a nickname for her in highschool based on her hourglass figure and she’s very beautiful. I ask now does he think she is attractive he says I don’t look at her like that, it’s platonic. A few posts he refers to her as a sister. I’ve only been around her two times so I say why do you love her like a sister. He just says she’s one of the guys. But based on their constant online communication he likes her style, her smile, her taste in music, he likes discussing sports and her favorite things, they share common favorite shows. He remembers the first day he met her. But when I initially asked immediately it was defensive. Then he says social media is fake. Another woman I know for sure he talked to in highschool on the phone atleast. After about our 5th conversation he admitted to her reaching out to him saying she was interested but he declined: still at 5 am and 1 am and 2 am he’s sending live reactions to her stories. He used to make me feel as if having male friends was disrespectful to our relationship. He would say they are attracted to me. He used to be very controlling of me going out with my sisters or anywhere he wasn’t there. I would be around his family and their events and he would be with his friends on holidays. I feel left out of his "social life". He says it’s just social media and he’s not interacting with the women in person anymore but I feel like social media is still real people. When I would encourage him to be nicer to his mom and sisters he would get mad and say don’t worry about their relationship. His sister and mom would cry to me that they felt he didn’t love them. So it’s weird that if these women were having a bad day and he’s trying to crack jokes and cheer them up. They play Facebook games together. I feel like he takes no interest in my hobbies or dreams. He never really asks about my past of childhood memories.

For me it’s like he doesn’t realize it but he usually tells me stories from all the way until her was five years old.A lot of highschool stories too. He really has a great memory. There were atleast 25 from his past elementary through highschool and about five after that he interacted with regularly. I ask him what memory he has of them and he says he doesn’t know. I say what do you like about so and so he says he doesn’t know. Or first will even deny knowing the woman until I show him their communication. Idk it’s so confusing. I just want these thoughts to go away. Even Brandi acting like he didn’t meet her in Highschool. How could we ever have a threesome or enjoy friendships if we’re not open about chemistry and feelings. I asked about his prom night withhe said he didn’t remember. But under her pic he’s like that was one of the best night of my life I had hella fun. It’s like I feel if you want a woman to be both our friend or me understand your connection describe them if I don’t know them. Don’t pretend to have no connection and social media is fake. That’s suspect. Most those interactions lasted six years. But I guess if he really cares nothing about them and never has to speak to any of them again I have to respect that. Is it that he knows he connects with women so he doesn’t want me to be that way with men? I feel like healthy relationships communicate these things. I honestly wouldn’t mind if he was open about it all and didn’t get defensive and start accusing me. Still I’m probably coming off judgmental and accusatory as well.

Still at the same time why do I feel the need to dig up the past now. I know it was triggered by interactions with past women but still why do I allow it to make me feel less than? Why is my identity wrapped up in him to the point that I want to know all his thoughts and feelings to the point that it consumes me. It is damaging our relationship with each other and traumatizing our kids because we argue about it. It’s like I’m not understanding. I’m starting back therapy again and really want to focus on my healing. I want to be grateful for the positive but how do I heal the past? Me not knowing myself now causes me to also not know him. I’m over analyzing my whole life. Right now he is supportive so I have to get out and live. I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression and he is supportive but I just don’t understand myself anymore. I don’t ever want my kids to think my issues are their fault and I don’t want him to live with guilt. I am a very deep person and now my trauma is mine to heal. I’m questioning now if this is live or just a long trauma bond? I feel lost and confused. But I would love any advice on where to start. And please feel free to ask any questions to help clarify.

I am so sorry to read this.

Cut to the chase, you have matured and he has not. Those are the facts.

I can understand your underlying issues as they have a long history and started in childhood.

Good news is you have acknowledged these issues and have worked to overcome them. But add in the abuse and cheating and general chaos you have lived with, and it’s too much. At times it’s just too much.

Gently, you need professional help. To overcome the past and accept it, maybe understand it and then choose the path for you. I don’t know if your lying serial cheating H will change. But I think the issue is how you will change and restore yourself and embrace your future with positivity and joy.

Your identity is not being his wife. Your identity is you as a separate person from wife and mom.

I can only tell you that my experience was to use my anger to propel me forward. When I would get upset at my H for lying & cheating, I stopped being upset to using that anger to force me to make changes in myself and not allow HIS behavior and character flaws to negatively impact me.

I hope this helps you.

Also I wanted to add based on your description of your H, he woukd have been a cheater no matter who he was married to.

I know his type. Seen too many of those guys who have a "use ‘‘em and lose ‘em" mentality. They think women are beneath them. Not equals.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:59 AM, Saturday, January 14th]

Dear Antoinette:

So sorry you're here and are struggling with his cheating and abuse, and the lingering after effects of living a harsh and chaotic life.

I'm gonna be blunt. Not to make you feel bad, but to hopefully validate some of the doubts you're tenuously voicing in your post.

Your "jealousy" is not the problem. Your gut is screaming at you that something is amiss. Trust your gut. What you describe looks like typical lying and gaslighting right out of the Cheater's Handbook. Of course you feel anxious and depressed!

His infidelities, FaceBook "relationships" and so on are not the issue.

The issue is he's an abuser. What you describe is domestic abuse - full stop.

You're consumed by the cheating and betrayals because infidelity is one of the most powerful coercive weapons in the abuser's arsenal. Abusers (like him) use infidelity to diminish self-esteem, tear down confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability. It's commendable rebuilding confidence is important to you right now! IMO, doesn't matter if the inappropriate relationships with his FaceBook harem weren't physical, or if they were "only" emotional affairs. It's still cheating because what he's doing is NOT okay with you or respectful to the marriage. Which leaves you feeling powerless, humiliated and threatens ANY feelings of safety and security within the relationship. The insecurity keeps you distracted, dancing to win his approval - your identity "wrapped up in him to the point that I want to know all his thoughts and feelings to the point that it consumes me." So, in a nutshell, cheating is part and parcel with domestic abuse. It's a tool he's using to manipulate you, to isolate you and tear you down. To keep you off kilter, walking on eggshells to be a better wifey to serve HIM. I hope this makes sense.

I’m questioning now if this is life or just a long trauma bond?

So glad you're going back to therapy! Definitely discuss trauma bonding with your therapist. Seems logical. Hope the IC is competent - with a solid grounding in trauma and domestic abuse. Because his physical abuse and controlling behaviors are definitely hallmarks of domestic abuse. The anxiety and depression are also concerning. PTSD is something to look into with the therapist. You've had a lifetime of trauma that took a toll both physically and emotionally. PTSD is difficult to shake without appropriate professional treatment.

Me not knowing myself now causes me to also not know him.

Yes, absolutely focus on your healing. But do it for YOU. Don't approach therapy as a way to silence your internal alarm bells regarding his treatment. Or as a tool to prop up your marriage by normalizing/rug-sweeping his abuse to alleviate his "guilt". Your (understandable!) reaction to the abuse isn't the problem - his ABUSE is the problem. Therapy will be a way for you to find your path - to marshal your inner strength to climb out of this. To help regain your self-esteem and find your footing. To build confidence and help find your awesome self. You've raised five kids without his help, financially supported your family, pursued your education, made a home for your family, and MORE! You've survived so much. You're pretty amazing, in my opinion.

More things to explore in therapy - how about exploring best ways to support your children? They're living this chaotic reality right alongside you! You're concerned about them witnessing the two of you arguing about his FaceBook harem, putting the blame for their trauma on your "issues" and jealousy. Gently, their trauma doesn't stem solely from you. What about his physical abuse? Did they ever witness that? How about his refusal to help you keep the household running and help raise your kids? His cruel treatment of you, his sister and his mother? Are your kids internalizing his negative attitudes towards women and imprinting that this is what a marriage should look like?

You've spent 21 years in this emotionally, physically and mentally abusive marriage. Does he deserve any more of your precious life? What has he done to become a better father and husband? Has he done any IC, anger management, batterer intervention programs etc.? You can't singlehandedly save your family and marriage. YOU regaining self-esteem won't change HIM. In other words, you can't control the outcome by fixing you. He's gotta want to be a better man for HIMSELF for reconciliation to really work. Which means he should be all in to become a better partner! For example, if he's truly "supportive" seems he would at the very least end the FaceBook shenanigans because you're his wife and it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. Your emotional wellbeing would come first before his ego kibbles. Seems reliving youthful glory days with gals who knew him back when is more important than you feeling safe and nurtured. Your healing and happiness are not on his priority list. Your description of the situation says (IMO) the external validation (ego stroking!) he gets from his FaceBook harem is priority number one. It's not about them or their feelings, it's all about HIM and the ego boost he gets from their attention. This is not what a "supportive" husband looks like. You deserve better, your children deserve better.

I hope this helps you Antoinette. Some of my feedback may feel harsh, but comes from a place of genuine concern for you and your children. You've lived with his childish (yet brutal) treatment for decades and its taken a toll. I see you questioning yourself, putting the blame for his abuse on YOU. Time to recognize your power! You can't help your kids unless you help yourself first. They need you to be the safe parent, the sane parent. Best wishes to you!

ETA:

How could we ever have a threesome or enjoy friendships if we’re not open about chemistry and feelings.

Are discussions happening about "opening" the marriage? If so, was this his idea?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:24 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

I think many are right. This man is a child.

You don’t have a team mate in life. This man is a taker. He seeks attention, approval, ego kibbles from social media and other relationships. If he gave himself permission to abuse you physically(which is unbelievably criminal and left scars for you and any child exposed to it), I am sure there is a a lot of iceberg under the water of that threesome.

Language matters. His language with same sex friends is unacceptable. I feel like we live in a word of innuendo where people love to cross the line and tell you their joking or your dirty perceptions are the problem. He certainly doesn’t hold himself to any accountability or set boundaries. It sounds from your post that you are not part of his social circle because ONLY HE has been allotted that time , due to kiddos and his selfish disregard, and he harbors secrets from this time out of the house that he drops on you like bombs occasionally in conversation. It’s cruel.

So much time wasted on nonsense. He is taking time and effort that should go to you and the relationship and giving it to others. In front of an audience. Do you want to live with someone who has no empathy, effort or time for his wife and family? He would rather build a false facade and give time and attention to people online? PS How thirsty is someone posting stories at 5 am?

Start focusing on yourself. What can you do for yourself today, tomorrow and so on that fuels your priorities and interests in life? Start to feed your self esteem. Be proud of you are and the positive relationships you have. You have accomplished so much. You parented, brought home the bacon, & provided security to your children with this sixth man child’s limited participation. That’s a heck of an accomplishment.

Only you can decide for yourself. But you’ve spent a large part of your life trying to partner with someone who seems to lack the ability and interest. Is he worth wasting 21 more years of your life on? Time to set some boundaries to demand what you deserve or end this and go find a partner that values and treats you in a way you deserve.

You need therapy. Not because something is wrong with you, but because you need the tools to be able to discern what he is really doing.

What he is doing to you is abuse. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

Is there any way you can get away for a few weeks just to take a step back, get a breath, and take a cold hard look at how he is treating you (and by extension your children?)

You sound like a very strong and loving woman. Trust me when I say you deserve so much more, and the world is filled with amazing people. Your husband is just dragging you down.

Please check in with us Antoinette60. We want to know how we can support you.