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Newest Member: May28

Wayward Side :
Emotional Affair

Topic is Sleeping.

 FLYAKITE (original poster new member #58204) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

I need advice. I admit I am having a EA with a "friend/colleague" but have "fallen for him" (i.e. I know, I know, it's hormones and codependence).
B/G: Four years ago I was at a conference and I *felt* this person before I saw him. There he was: not necessarily beautiful but OMG those eyes moved my soul. I looked for him the next day all over, and laughed because, what am looking for him for? I'm married!
Years later, poof! He appears as a member of a professional organization that I serve on. We became FAST colleague-friends and worked together on a project; this was in September. He lives states away and is single, does not date (sexual impotence).
I told my husband that I'd developed feeling for a colleague, he said he wasn't worried about "some nerd" and never asked me more. I then, in October, told my husband I was having an "emotional affair" and again he said "not scared." I stopped talking to the guy for a few weeks, then started again. Now it's time I do this ONCE AND FOR ALL. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to make it like a big deal because I have to see this dude at least 4 times a year online, once in person. Further, I really like him as a friend and once I stop this bullshit, I know I'll be *done* with this crush and possibly friendship. I need time, I think. Idek what I need! I feel gross.
Some other thoughts: he is sexually challenged due to a disease, I think he did have feelings for me but not like I did, I don't want to leave my husband at all. I just need this obsession to STOP.

Please help. Thank you <3

posts: 31   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8768382

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:20 PM on Tuesday, December 13th, 2022

Hi Flyakite,

Glad you're here and talking about this before it escalates further. Good for you reaching out.

I wish I could jump in a time machine and rewind to when I was beginning my affair. Then I could slap my old self silly and tell her to get into counseling ASAP. That's what I'm going to recommend to you here. There seems to be a longing in you for something more, and your EA AP is an attempt to fill that gap. If you don't know what that gap is, where it comes from and how it affects your actions, you're not going to be able to really fix it long term.

It's like alcoholics trying to come clean. They often try the "cold turkey" method, often with limited results and relapses. Once they get into AA, they're forced to dig deep, keep accountability to their community (AA group and sponsor) and take responsibility for their choices.

I'd really recommend taking up IC and taking it seriously.

It seems there's a lack of emotional awareness/ intelligence in your BH. He doesn't even seem to care that your affections have wandered. I mean, you did the absolute right thing and told him straight out that you're attached to another man, and all he says is that he's not worried/doesn't care! shocked

No offense, but if my H told me that, and he has from time to time after my A, I would feel like I wasn't important to him.

Do you feel important to your BH?

If it's a combination of an emotional desert in your M and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms that allowed you to escalate a friendship into an EA, there's a few things that need addressing. You can only fix yourself and your coping mechanisms, and fix your communication with your BH. You can't fix your BH and make him into a person who actually takes his WW seriously when she comes to him confessing an EA.

Wishing you the best on this journey. If you don't address these things now, you're leaving yourself open to another A with another person down the line.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8769312

Ragab ( member #82425) posted at 5:56 AM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2022

MIgander well said

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8770274
Topic is Sleeping.
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