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Divorce/Separation :
He probably did it again- filed for divorce

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Brokenbetrayed123 (original poster new member #80181) posted at 11:23 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Brief: I always say that my stbxh has "the worst affair ever in history of man" and of course I'm sure there are "worse" affair stories out there than mine but that's how I feel because I cannot fathom how a human who claims to love someone can do what he did to me,many of you can probably say the same for your situation. I'm sorry we're all here ๐Ÿ˜”.

His affair was 6 months long in 2021 & I had to literally make everything an ultimatum from infidelity program to cutting off the AP, to sincerely apologizing to me, etc. Obviously it was all red flags from the start that he wasn't reconciliation material. Then, last yr he refused to celebrate my birthday because of his argumentative behaviors.

Anyways- we were just about to move in together since he begrudgingly did my required tasks for reconciliation. He said he was remorseful and even shed tears a few times, but his overall persistent nature was disgusting and his friend and family and my family couldn't believe he was so cold and argumentative and questioned him multiple times if he loved me and wanted the marriage, he always said yes....even when the therapist noticed his coldness and asked him the same things he said "yes." But his actions were different from his words.


Long story short- 1 of the condition I had for reconciliation was that he couldn't have female friends without him introducing me to them so that I can feel comfortable with his female relationships. This was a requirement for me because around the same time of his affair in 2021 when I was cleaning out his social media from bitches he isn't real friends with, I found old Snapchat messages from as far back as 3 years of our dating relationship (we dated for 6 years and married for 5 now, not that the last 2 years counts...his affair was during the 3rd yr of marriage) and i told him that he has a womanizing addiction because the fact that from yr 3-6 (including a flirting message about a woman's "thick ass" 3 months before our wedding) he was consistently flirting with women I can bet my life on it that although I didn't see proof from yr 0-3, I know for sure he was doing the same things. In 2019 I was first exposed to his flirting with women, I saw 3 messages that didn't delete from Snapchat to women, flirting with them always about their appearance & he downplayed it and wasn't really remorseful although he did give an apology, but I was broken and cried for many days because I had no idea he was doing such things behind my back- especially because outsiders of the marriage and myself always thought he was crazy about me- my brother also said he saw him at a part talking to a lady he's not friends with for a long time and it seemed he was flirting with her, he denied it when I asked him.that was also in 2019).

Anyways- his affair in 2021 broke me and made me jaded, he was a monster to me during his affair and I lost 14lbs in 2 wks and was suicidal multiple times and etc. So, you'd think that after giving him another chance he would not do anything to betray my trust again, especially because I always warned him to not fuck with me ever again-


Well, right when I was about to move in with him last August he had wanted to go out of state for his distinct cousin's wedding. I didn't want to let him go because after his affair and his monstrous behaviors towards me for the next 6 months or so afterwards, I didn't trust that he was repentenful and therefore, I didn't want him traveling without me- his 2021 affair started on a 3 weeks trips he took to Africa without me- he was doing long distance and was sending the bitch $$$$$ every month sometimes 2x a month and was planning a future with her (although he's a liar and will say he wasn't but I saw all this because I tracked his ๐Ÿ“ฑ when I felt suspicious after his trip to Africa).

Anyways - I decided to work harder on trust since I took a betrayed spouse program and was in individual therapy as well. I decided to let him go on the trip without me- he invited me to go but I declined because I didn't feel we had a decent marriage enough after his affair for me to go out on show with his relatives I've never met nor heard about- I told him to be careful and not betray my trust again but he DID.

He met someone who used to be in the community that recently moved to the state he went to for the wedding. He told his sister "she got thick" - she was a very skinny girl when she lived in the same community as us- clearly you can see I'm not "thick" enough for him although he was said through his dirty teeth that he liked my body-

Anyways, he got the bitch # and started talking to her 2-3 hours a day, almost daily. Secretly. I โœ… his ๐Ÿ“ฑ and found out, I asked him who the person was and if it was a female, he said "a friend, and what does it matter" was his stupid response. I asked what why he didn't tell me about this person he's been talking to daily for 4 weeks now and why he gave me attitude when I asked about it and why he refused to tell the gender- long story short I had his sister call the bitch and she said there was nothing between them-
Immediately I knew even if her intentions were harmless, my husband who have a history of womanizing- would not take a platonic interest in any female that'll make him talk to them for hours daily! I told him I don't believe his intentions are pure and that I'm not moving in anymore since he broke my reconciliation rule that no secret female friends. I told him he either goes to therapy for 1 yr or we go no contact separation for 1 year and reconvene after 1 yr with him bringing proof of how he's been working on himself so he can be an emotionally/faithfully husband now and forever cus I feel murderous and if he had another affair I'm lt sure if I could live through it and if I'll allow him to live through it because I know the excruciating pain I felt and continue to feel from his initial affair.

He said 1 yr of therapy is "too long" and chose 1 yr of no contact instead. I told him he has a LOT of work to do on himself to be a changed man, a man of respectable character, a safe man for me.he begrudgingly agreed.

5 weeks later my brother told me someone called him and told him that my husband and the same girl from out of state "have been seeing each other for sometime now" so I called my husband and he denied ever talking to her since the day I told him to stop. I told him he's been very suspicious from day 1 with that relationship he had with her and since he has a history of being a major liar(even before his initial affair, I noticed he lied so much and hated that about him, I told him I wished he'd not lie, and after the affair I told him he could never lie to be about anything anymore big or small because people who are liars by character are usually serial cheaters) - anyways - I told him I can't believe him so I'd call the phone service and get phone records - right when I was getting the code from him to get the ๐Ÿ“ฑ records, he confessed and said he still talked to her but they're just "friends."

I was livid. He did everything again and this whole situation reminded me of how he acted during his 2021 affair. The lying, waiting for proof before he can acknowledge it, the attitude he gives me, the neglect towards my feelings, manipulation, blame-shifting, downplaying, everything - I was so upset and was suicidal AGAIN I had to call suicide hotline AGAIN cus I felt like I must die for this pain and suffering and betrayal to end! How can someone who promised to love, cherish, protect, and honor you be the #1 person who is killing you softly? And each time they see a new bitch they're interested in. This hurts so much because I took my wedding vows 100% seriously & did so much already to save this marriage from the damages of his affair in 2021...


I told him I can't ever trust him again until he is transformed into a new person and that can't happen without a serious crackdown - I need to track his ๐Ÿ“ฑ for 1 try and he needs to take a polygraph test & he'll apologize to me in front of our families. He agreed to the polygraph because he said polygraph doesn't work I told him I'd rather trust polygraph than anything from his lying mouth because I'm sick of his deceitful character. He refused to allow me to track his ๐Ÿ“ฑ because that's his "privacy" I told him it's impossible because all the times he's been cheating our entire 11 years of relationship he did it all because of his ๐Ÿ“ฑ. Flirtings were mostly โœ… on the phone and on social media. The infidelity program ๐Ÿ“š has types of cheaters, my husband was the opportunistic cheater who wanted his cake and to have it too. He doesn't fully want to let me go but he can't be faithful and act like a married man & I've never been the 1 to tolerate nonsense or any slacking when it comes to faithfulness.


I filed for divorce when he refused to my terms. He continues to stand by his decision that his privacy is more important than our marriage so he'll choose his privacy over our marriage and al the sufferings amd pain I've endured due to his affair and post suspicious behaviors.

In 2019 my cousin intro me to his friend who moved from out of state & told me to be friends with him. The guy asked for my # and immediately when I got home I was excited to make a new friend (friends have been very important to me, like family, but my husband never cared too much for friends-) my husband was upset and said if he asked for my # right after meeting that means he has a crush on me and he doesn't want me to be friends with him- I said well I doubt it but I won't hang with him without you, we 3 can be friends, my husband refused and huffed and puffed, 20 minutes of that I gave up and decided my marriage was more important. I texted the guy and told him my husband isn't okay with this future friendship so I can't be friends with him. I showed my husband the text and showed him me deleting the guy's # and the guy probably had a good character because he never bothered me since.

But when it comes to my husband, he says "so, I got a female # so what? I can't be friends with a female?" Even when I reminded him of that situation (it was the latest situation I ever had with a guy cus I stopped having new guy friends since clearly my husband didn't like it- the old guy friends I have 2 are mutual friends with my husband and 1 isn't but my husband knew him since the beginning of our relationship and he has a gf and we always hang out together my husband never once felt unsafe with my relationship with that guy-not that he told me anyways)

Anyways- when I reminded him about how I handled his dissatisfaction with the guy who wanted to be friends and how I expect him to do the same, he ignores it.

Fyi- if I knew my husband was a closeted womanizer I wouldn't have ever married him because I'm smart enough to know about patterns=habit (closet cus he's a narcist, his reputation is important to him(although he doesn't do much to have a good reputation if you ask me), that's why he does his flirts on ๐Ÿ“ฑ only majority of the time or will have an affair of opportunity when he feels I won't find out/he won't get exposed). I never checked his ๐Ÿ“ฑ our entire 6 years of dating before marriage, I regret that SO much because I would've seen some of those messages to bitches that didn't delete and I wouldn't have married him. I was 18 when we started dating, everyone thought I was too good for him and that he was lucky to have me and outsiders thought he was crazy about me so I bought in the idea and never ever thought that he could womanize so why would I look through his phone? I had no reason to. The gf he had before me told me that he cheated on her with me, they were together 2-2.5 years. I confronted him prior to deciding to date him, cus I wouldn't date a man who cheated, he denied it and said she's just mad cus he broke up with her etc- I was a fool a beloved him (I didn't know I was being a fool then I was young, naive, and in love and felt special for having so many people think my bf was crazy about me). We didn't live together for the 6 yrs we dated because my family doesn't support living together before marriage and I didn't think it was right for me either, I had high prospects and needed him to show his seriousness about our relationship before lived together. 4//6 years we dated I was 1.5 hours away in college but we saw each other 2 weekends a month and every day during breaks.


Anyways, he 100% refuses to alloww to track his ๐Ÿ“ฑ for 1 yr to save the marriage. I have a 6th sense that's why during his Africa trip I felt suspicious when we talked although he tried so hard to talk normal I could feel he was not being faithful, on his return 2 days later I looked into his eyes and I knew he was having an affair, he died I tracked his ๐Ÿ“ฑ and exposed to his family and mine, and I know from my husband's past history of being unfaithful in different ways for our entire 11 years relationship, that he has an addiction and addictions aren't easy to permanently stop. Since my husband hasn't done much work and retain much desire to transform, I knew he'd have another affair or be unfaithful once the storm settles if I stayed with him.

Anyways I felt like the only way he can be forced to change is if I tracked his ๐Ÿ“ฑ, he'll know I'm watching and fight the urges to not womanize. My hope was after 1 yr of successfully fighting those urges he'd have a better control over them and therefore reduce the chances of womanizing-affairs. Some people say he'll never change and that even if I travels his ๐Ÿ“ฑ for 1 yr hell go right back to doing it afterwards - but I felt that was the last thing I could think of to still be in this relationship and not go crazy because although I hate myself for this, I still love him- but I know for sure that I'll either die or I'll kill him or I'll kill both of us if he continues to hurt me because I am a very sensitive person and don't handle pain very well and loyalty is very important to me.

I'm surprised I'm still alive. I wish I can erase all traces of him from my mind. I wish I didn't have feelings I wish I was cold like he is.

He is a psychopathic womanizing cheating lying bastard. No empathy and a bunch of red flags, so why do I still love him? There's nothing to love about him anymore, so why do I still feel attached I hate myself but I've made a decision that will stop us from ever being together, as he allowed me to make it simply because he doesn't want his ๐Ÿ“ฑ tracked. During his 2021 affair half of the time he spent it being mad about me tracking his phone instead of showing remorse and empathy. He disgusts me. I hate him. I hate him for wasting 11 years of my life, for his affair, his continuous betrayals, his lies and coldness, his unwillingness to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, his unwillingness to be a changed/safe person, I hate him for his gaslighting and defensiveness and for not choosing me. His affair in 2021 made everyone told me to divorce him except for my holy Mary mother. My siblings, our therapist, my individual therapist, a friend, everyone told me to divorce him cus he acted like a monster not someone with remorse. My duty towards my vows and the fact I still had feelings for him made me to continue trying to save the relationship while being safe in it- cus I knew from the beginning I needed to protect myself from his behaviors else I'd end up committing suicide.

He'd change temporarily and revert. He was never consistent even after the infidelity program he'd charge for some time and revert.

I'm tired. But divorce is due to be finalized in Feb. I'll move out of state in next December and start a new life. My end goal is to move to Europe and really start a new life with someone who I'm morally compatible with because my husband doesn't have strong Morales at all, and I saw hints of that even before his affair and I always tried to correct it and tell him it's wrong but he never could stop- the 2nd yr of our marriage I gently told him I sensed an emotional disconnect/barrier like his emotional gauge was very low for most "normal" people he just lacked so much empathy for me, his friends, his family, others, and for a person who is an empath (or hsp) I could sense it and told him to see a professional so that if he has emotional issues we can know about it and work on it as a couple - he refused because my husband is perfect and can't be wrong or do anything wrong so he absolutely didn't have a low empathy level ๐Ÿ˜… sure sure.

My husband, since I've known him, had Sketch moral character I disliked. For example, he'd take 6 avocadoes or 6 donuts at the grocery store but intentionally pay for 4 because why not he could get away with it so he did- I told him I don't like that and it's deceitful and never to do that in my presence and of course he'd stop for a while and go right back to the se behavior when I'm around - he'd also lie about everything and I hated that part of him so much and always told him to stop lying. He never did. And never will but at least now he can't hurt me anymore, I'm free of him he can't hurt me anymore.

It takes enormous courage to let go of a betrayer but my husband actions in the past 2 years and his historical tendencies to lie and womanize, made me 100% sure that I'm losing nothing and gaining everything and I have now and will have 0 regrets of divorcing him and I know 100% that divorcing him is the best decision I'll ever make in my life and the worst I ever made was dating and marrying him.

I'm glad we don't have a child because what values will he teach my child? To be a man/woman whore? A liar? A blameshifter? To be secretive? Manipulative unrepentant narcissistic psychopathic womanizer? Nah, it's okay. I don't want those values for myself or my child so I'm glad we're done, although it hurts.

It's definitely not easy and I know I have a lot of healing to do but clearly I'm a survivor, if I survived what he did to me, I can survive any pain but I hope my future is bright and my next serious partner is morally upright and values commitment. But I'm too jaded to think about future partners but I'm trying to be optimistic. I definitely will NOT give anyone that resembles my soon to be ex husband a chance. I'll run away.

BW:29 UH:30DDAY:03/2021PA:3wks EA:6months(Long Distance) Dated: 6 yrs- Married 4 Status: divorced

posts: 12   ยท   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022
id 8767399
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

He did everything again and this whole situation reminded me of how he acted during his 2021 affair. The lying, waiting for proof before he can acknowledge it, the attitude he gives me, the neglect towards my feelings, manipulation, blame-shifting, downplaying, everything -

My husband, since I've known him, had Sketch moral character I disliked. For example, he'd take 6 avocadoes or 6 donuts at the grocery store but intentionally pay for 4 because why not he could get away with it so he did-

I think once you really accept deep down in your DNA that this is who he is, you'll start feeling better. The payoff for this guy is clearly 'getting away with it'. Your presence in his life is what makes that behavior enticing for him. You're cast in the same role as the grocer's security personnel, the authority to be evaded, so he can feel like he's a smart and successful grifter. Playing marriage police for a year wouldn't have changed that. It just takes the game to a new level, one that he has resisted so far due to its difficulty level, but chances are, if he were to accept your terms, it will be because he thinks he can outlast or beat your monitoring.

I truly do believe that cheating is about character. It's about personal integrity and the relationship we have with our core values. This guy doesn't have enough integrity to be a good partner to anyone. He simply does not share your values. For him, cheating, lying, and stealing are legitimate choices under whatever arbitrary emotional circumstances he sets out. He doesn't have the backstop of real, meaningful boundaries. Those kind of boundaries are created by our values, our truest beliefs. He might give you lip service to shared values, but his actions give him away. He's got a "but..." in his values system. ie. "He believes in Fidelity, but... not if he needs the validation of getting away with it to feel important." You see how that works, right? We're not supposed to have a "but..." in our values system. A "but..." invalidates our value/belief altogether.

Anyway, my advice to you would be to really spend some time in counseling getting to the bottom of the suicidal ideation you've experienced... violence is NEVER the answer. You were wise to call the suicide hotline and should definitely do that again if your emotions start getting ahead of you. Also getting help fixing your picker would be worth the time spent on it. Definitely, I think you're on the right track going NC with this guy. A year in marriage prison wouldn't solve his issues. He needs to WANT to change. He'd have to want it enough to do the very painful, humbling introspection and analysis of himself and his world view that it would take, and he's given you no indication he's willing to do that.

Just remember that you're going to be okay. This is a really rotten experience and it seems to take forever to get through, but there IS light on the other side and you WILL achieve it.

((hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7060   ยท   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ยท   location: U.S.
id 8767507
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, December 1st, 2022

Chamomile provided a fantastic response, as usual. I echo everything she said.
Things will get better. Get IC to help you see that and how you can avoid repeating patterns that no longer serve you.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6014   ยท   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ยท   location: Northern CA
id 8767516
Topic is Sleeping.
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