SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m really stuggling.

I have on and off felt like I want a divorce almost my whole marriage even before the A.

H can be a heavy drinker & binge drinks from time to time, staying out all night. Was spotty with wearing a wedding ring.

It really really bothers me.

He got some crappy silicone rings he wears but I find them every where, they are too big and he’s just lazy.

He reeks like weed and it smelled in part of our house where the kids hang out so I was really upset. He smokes and/or drinks almost daily. Doesn’t want to quit, doesn’t think it’s a problem. Says he’s going to have "ups and downs no one is perfect"

He just seems so immature and is an emotional roller coaster and I struggle with disassociating from it.

I have a higher sex drive than him which I feel is totally wasted because he’s high on weed or buzzed and just acts weird all the time. I just want a partner to feel safe with, hang out with, enjoy simple things together- movies, walks, coffee literally ANYTHING.

He claims he wants to have sex but rarely initiates and I feel like I do "all the work" he would disagree.

He swears up and down there is no infidelity of any kind, no porn.

It seems impossible to divorce for so many reasons, we’re just so intertwined with family, finances, businesses. It’s so much & so overwhelming.

I toss around the idea of an open marriage and he says "I’m not opposed to it." But I don’t even know where to begin with that & I don’t trust him to be honest and handle things maturely which I know is required with true polyamory.

We’ve been through years of therapy. YEARS! Both individual and couple.

It’s been 17 years together. 3 kids the WHOLE deal.

I’m not totally miserable, we’ll maybe I am I wouldn’t know the difference. What is wrong with me, how do I begin to heal myself or even figure out what I want or where to begin.

You deserve the marriage and partner that you want. Your "wants" sound pretty reasonable to me. He can't or won't deliver. He's saying "this is who I am. Love it or leave it."

He won't change. Mostly because he doesn't want to. And you know what? That's his right. He's happy with who he is and how he lives his life. He shouldn't change for someone else.

But it doesn't work for you. Simply, you aren't compatible in ways that matter very much to you. Perhaps it's time to accept that and consider a different future for yourself.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 8:18 PM, Wednesday, November 30th]

I was on that rollercoaster for my whole marriage. It is a horrible feeling and looking back, I should have just left with the clothes on my back.

The infidelity was just a manifestation of a whole load of yuck underneath, and gave me a reason, finally, to grow a pair and sever ties.

I've been reading Ross Rosenbergs stuff on narc/codependent dynamic. I never thought I was codependent, I am not needy or clingy and very independent, it doesnt make sense, but yet I felt the only way the marriage would ever end is if one of us died (of natural causes of course). I felt like I was obligated to stay in the marriage forever, regardless of the what I now realise was abuse.

Maybe you have something similar going on.

I’m just struggling to walk away. It’s been 6 years since the infidelity but it was "just online" so it wasn’t bad enough to leave.

It seems like he just rides the line between what’s bad enough and ok to do.

He does work for free on my mothers house (contractor type stuff).

I’m so torn.

You deserve better than "not totally miserable".

Can you do better than that in this marriage? If not, you have your answer.

I think I’m not sure what "doing better" looks like.

I do feel at times it would be best to leave the marriage but with kids, house, businesses it just seems so complicated and I’m terrified.

I’ve never lived on my own or taken care of a house by myself.

I don’t make a lot of money & am working on a Masters Degree.

I know I’m going to keep getting hurt in this relationship.

Regarding polyamory, simply put: I've never known of single bad situation that was improved or simplified by adding more people to it.

As for divorce being complicated, why not meet with a lawyer and find out what it would actually look like? While it doesn't sound like your situation is straightforward (if you have shared businesses), it's also entirely possible that the actual divorce is much more catastrophic in your head than it would be in real life.

If your situation is at least moderately tolerable for the time being, then that gives you the breathing room you need to properly plan your exit strategy.

Make an appointment with a lawyer and get information about what separation might look like. Knowledge is power. It is the unknowing that is so scary, but actually I think you will find you know very little about the life you have now anyway, because your partner is probably not providing a truthful account of his existence.

The uncomfortable feeling you are experiencing is most likely cognitive dissonance, and it wont go away until you get away.

In Big Little Lies, the Nicole Kidman character is advised to set herself up in a separate apartment so that she understands what a life away from her husband looks and feels like. Not many of us have the benefit of enormous quantities of cash, but there may be somewhere you can go for a few days at least. If nothing else, if your partner is a closet control freak like mine was, the mask will start to fall and the indifferent behaviours will turn into something more sinister.

I might be barking up the wrong tree.

Does anyone have any advice on situations like this getting better?

Is there something I’m doing wrong here?

I do tend to confront him when I have an issue, which gets old.

I can get angry and harsh.

I’m sorry to say this. But the fact YOU think you are doing "something wrong" when your H is a cheater, binge drinker AND weed addict is where you are making your first snd biggest mistake.

You mistakenly believe you can change him.

Please know you cannot.

He’s not going to stop drinking or smoking weed. He’s an addict and he will say or do whatever he needs to do he can continue on this path.

You are working on a masters degree. When will that be completed? What is your earning potential with that degree?

You want out? Do it. For yourself. Your kids. Your sanity. Etc.

Get a counselor to help you get the confidence to leave him.

Get a plan (whether 3 months or 6 months) to leave. Find a place to live or have him leave the home.

Meet with attorneys to get legal advice. Alimony and child support will provide for you,

Get yourself a good support team of friends, family and minister or religious leader ( if you are into that).

Stop using the excuse things are complicated — yes they are. But if you REALLY want what is best for you & kids, you find a way.