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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
learn from my mistakes


 xcook (original poster new member #81207) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

My DD came this past winter. My husband was suffering from a COVID induced psychosis and began confessing his past infidelities. I knew about one affair in 1990 and suspected he had been unfaithful before that; however, I had no idea of the depth of his cheating. It began in 1973 when I was pregnant with our second child and continued off and on for 27 years! I thought the 1990 affair was the end, but he cheated again in 2000 with a coworker by having sex in a parking lot after going to lunch with her. He swears that was the only cheating after the affair in 1990. I thought things were good between us then and I had begun to trust him again. It took years to get over the 1990 affair. He started going to nude bars with his best friend after only two years of marriage and even fucked one of the dancers with no protection. He used no protection with the other two he fucked showing just how little he valued my health. I am a poster child for "love is blind." I trusted him completely for the first 20 years of our marriage, but the 1990 affair ended that. He was just a companion with benefits to me after that. Fast forward 52 years and he began sexting with multiple women on Facebook. When confronted, he said it was just a fantasy and he had no intention of doing anything with any of them (I do believe that). However, he saw nothing with the sexting and could not see it as cheating. I am now 71 years old and can't imagine going through a divorce. I made a list of pros and cons and my pros outweighed the cons so I chose to stay provided he owns up to the real reason for the past indiscretions. He told the other woman he didn't think I loved him and that we would probably divorce; that most certainly was NOT true. He was the one who didn't love me, and he was the one considering divorce. I told him if he could not own this, we had no future together even as companions. To those on the outside, we were the perfect Barbie and Ken marriage. He said he now understands and will live the rest of his life trying to make me happy. He has been treating me respectfully since March and I do believe he loves me; however, I can never love him again as a husband and I told him that. He destroyed every ounce of respect I ever had for him as he had deceived me for the past 50 years. My advice to you is not to wait like I did if you know the facts and your spouse continues to disrespect you. If I had known in 1990 what I know now, I would not be writing this. I would have divorced him immediately. We deserve to be loved and respected in a relationship. For me, I now have everything I would want in another companion by staying with him and I don't need to look elsewhere (at least not yet).


posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8765271

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:44 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I'm so sorry, xcook. I cannot imagine finding out about decades of cheating. sad

Is he willing to delete his facebook account?

Unofortunately he is a master manipulator and liar and you had a trusting heart.

Do your children know of his cheating? He has never had to face any consequences.

My husband cheated once. It took years for me to get over it. If I ever find out about something else he is hiding or he cheats again, I'm done.

posts: 11665   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8765368

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 3:20 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

xcook -

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Recounting everything may have been really painful for you. Or it may have helped to tell it all. I really hope people heed your warning. Have you discussed possibly remaining married for financial and all the other pro reasons, but separating physically? My grandparents separated before I was even born, but they never divorced, they determined it just wasn't worth it at that point.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8765395

 xcook (original poster new member #81207) posted at 4:06 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Annb and Aletheia, our two sons do not know everything but I'm sure they know about the 1990 affair. I have been considering telling them everything. The main reason I chose to stay in the past and now was for financial reasons; however, I have told him that if we would part that he would end up with nothing from the sale of our home which would be quite a substantial sum. He has treated me like a queen since his confessions last winter and I couldn't ask for anything more from him. We can't undo the past. He has been honest with his Facebook account and ceased all communications with other women. He had blamed Facebook for the sexting, but I told him the problem was with his choices and not Facebook. He chose to communicate with these women and enter into sexual conversations with them just like he made the choices to cheat in the past. I told him he was a serial cheater. He now owns up to the fact that he made bad choices in the past and is very sorry. He says he wishes he could go back in time and be a faithful husband. Now, I feel about him the same way he felt about me when he cheated. He is just someone who shares a roof with me with financial benefits and common interests. I will never love him again as a husband, but I do love him as a friend. I just hope my post can help others in not wasting so many years on someone who has no respect for them. I have the IQ of a genius, but I was so blinded by thinking I had married someone who had the same moral values. I was approached by multiple men over the years, but I thought I had a husband worth my faithfulness. I am now ashamed that I did not cheat; I really wish I had. I am still quite attractive with a good body and could easily pass for 50 so if an opportunity presents itself in the future, I'll go for it.


posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8765403
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