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Wayward Side :
I didn’t answer his call


 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 3:19 AM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

My BH called me tonight. I was just watching some movies and getting some things organized flame my phone started ringing. I saw it was him. He asked for NC and I’ve respected his wishes. I had a hundred thoughts go through my head. Was he calling to say he misses me? Was he calling to tell me he hates me? Could he be drunk dialing? I knew he’s been sober for a while now and I hope that wasn’t it. But I didn’t answer because I was a coward. He didn’t leave a voicemail. I hope I did the right thing,

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8762843

Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 9:12 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

You have agreed NC. This was at his request. I don't think it was a cowardly thing to do in not answering, it must have taken great strength. Was it the right thing to do? Only time will tell I guess. For me, you did what you were asked to do. If BS feel he is ready for contact again then he can leave a message and then maybe next time answer the call.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 245   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8762906

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:21 PM on Monday, October 31st, 2022

This is a tough one, but I would say that generally, since you were asked to stay no contact that you maintain it as much as you can. If he wanted to reach you, he has his ways. He could leave a voicemail (although who does that anymore?), he could send you a text, he could send an email, send a letter over to you via courier, or he could stop by your home or work to speak with you in person. What was driving him to call you, I hope for your sake that you find out, but I think it is also important that you did your best to respect this stated wishes of NC. Of course, since it came from him, he has the "right" to change his mind, but that doesn't mean you have to be there to answer, so he put you in a tough spot. However, I don't think you did anything wrong here. Keep focusing on yourself and doing the work on yourself and your own healing, and things will work themselves out.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 268   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8763001

BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 12:18 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

It's a tough call. On the one hand, he may have heard from the friend you had lunch with that you're still doing the work. It's a good sign when a wayward sticks with therapy after they've been told that there's no longer any chance of reconciliation. Real progress and healing can only come from inside. If your efforts are giving him hope, it would be sad to let that tiny flame die out.

On the other hand, hope is a double edged sword. Your work is not going to be helped by him reaching out in a weak moment and then pulling back again. If his gut told him that your marriage was irretrievably broken, he should probably listen to it. There's also the chance that he hasn't changed his mind at all and just wanted to say he's glad you're picking up the reins of your post-relationship life. That's more of a "someday" conversation, not something to say when you're still getting over the breakup.

The silver linings of divorce are certainty and empowerment. If he wasn't ready to leave a message, you're right not to let those linings go. I admire your fortitude, though. I wouldn't have been able to resist answering.


posts: 2952   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8763093

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:11 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

This really is a tough call. I'm not sure there is a "right answer" that will fit every situation.

A few thoughts are running through my head on this... for example, what if BH had been in the hospital and was reaching out for help? I don't know if you have kids, but same thing, what if someone was hurt, or what if the kids needed to talk to both parents about something?

Like others said, it's possible that if it was an emergency, BH would follow up with a text or another call, but to be honest, from a BS perspective, when you call your WS and they don't answer, it can often feel as though "they don't care" or are ignoring you, or are even perhaps with their AP and don't want to answer your call. Get what I'm saying? Most BS's aren't too keen on giving multiple chances when they are feeling actively dismissed by their WS.

The other thought (my first reaction really) was simply that, since your BS requested the NC, they are also the ones to decide whether it needs to be broken or not. (You also have control over this, as you may also desire NC, but I am guessing that the NC is not really what YOU want at this time). Who knows why he called? Yes, it's possible that it was to cover something pleasant such as you doing the work, or maybe his feelings on something. But it also could have been to initiate a discussion about paying bills, changing jobs, initiating a divorce, asking for more details about the A, needing a favor, or needing you to sign something... What I'm saying is, HE requested the NC so if he's calling you, he's made the decision, for whatever reason, to break it for that moment. Not answering may feel, as noted above, as being ignored.

Part of me tries to put myself into the BS's shoes... what if I called my WS? And they didn't answer? Would my reaction be, "Good for them! I told them not to talk to me and so they refused my call. Good job WS!" Well, I have a hard time believing that's the way my brain would go. Is it possible they might think, "Oh, I guess they aren't near their phone, or are maybe busy doing something... no big deal, guess I'll call again later". That's possible. But if so, I suspect you'd have heard from him by now.

I wish I had some sort of advice for you. There is no good answer here. If you texted him and said, "Hey, you called, and I struggled with answering because you requested NC, but I also didn't want you to think I didn't care" that might help initiate a conversation, but it also may be seen as breaking NC. Not doing anything might be seen as you respecting NC, or it might be seen as you not caring - we just can't predict that.

Just to echo some of the others... your effort is showing. I too admire the fortitude you had in not picking up that phone for the sake of "doing the right thing" while not knowing the outcome(s). It's too bad we WS's didn't have that same fortitude when it came to saying "no" before. That's the part that makes our BS's want to bang their heads against the wall. But you are working on it now, and showing strength. That's good. You'll need it. Keep doing the work, because regardless of how your marriage turns out, you will still be you, and so that "you" should be the best you that you can be. Everything is hard right now. By doing the work, you plan to never experience this again.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8763159
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