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Newest Member: Julesanne

Wayward Side :
Need to reassure more

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 AshamedIdiot (original poster new member #77148) posted at 11:04 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

I’m not really sure what to put, I’m not very good at talking about this, which is probably where most of the problems come from.

D-Day was well over 2 years ago now and things are going well. Then a few days ago something triggered my BP and I didn’t give the reassurance I should have done.

Now I don’t know what I should be saying or doing, every time I try and talk it comes across as I’m trying to make excuses or shift the blame but that’s the last thing I am trying to do because I know everything is my fault and it’s down to me to do my best to put things right. I don’t think she will ever understand how much I regret what I did and how grateful I am that she gave me another chance.

My head is fried at the moment and I don’t have anyone to turn to for help so I’ve come here hoping to learn something to help me make it up to her.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021   ·   location: The dog house
id 8762827
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 9:08 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

AI,

D-Day was well over 2 years ago now and things are going well. Then a few days ago something triggered my BP and I didn’t give the reassurance I should have done.

I have really struggled with effective apologies and with understanding what to say, when to say it and how to say it. You need to fully own what you have done. Then, when you apologise, own the apology. "I'm sorry that I did "X" to you today, I understand that in doing this it would have made you feel "Y". I will work on myself to ensure I do not act in this way again" is better than "I'm sorry YOU got upset by whatever I did". I would challenge how well things are going. Us WS are great at seeing the good and ignoring the bad. I read a great post where a WS was in MC with BS. He said things were going really well because they have not argued all week. The reality, as pointed out by BS, was that she was not happy at all, but had effectively given up asking for support from WS. Communication is the key here. Hey, things might be OK. However you need to ensure both you and BS are on the same page.

Now I don’t know what I should be saying or doing, every time I try and talk it comes across as I’m trying to make excuses or shift the blame

Yep, we do that too. Use lots of "I" statements. YOU chose to do what you did. Yes, the AP was there, but you still chose to act out. Accept this and try to get this message across to BS. "I am sorry for my actions" Do not blame BS in any way. As said in many posts, you could have been in the most toxic relationship ever, but this does not give you an excuse to cheat. I,I,I,I.

Consider writing a letter to AP telling them about your regrets about the affair. How you feel about the damage you've caused and the pain you've inflicted. This is not (necessarily) for sending, but for sharing with your BS.

My head is fried at the moment and I don’t have anyone to turn to for help

You're going to be like this for a while, certainly until you've come to terms with and accepted what you've done. I mean this from both an intellectual level and from an emotional level. Read all the books suggested on this site. Tell BS what you're doing. Let her see you're trying to understand and make changes. Make sure you're there for every trigger, for every mind movie for every bad day. Let her know when you're having a bad day too. This needs to be done with care of course, but showing you have feelings of regret and that these are impacting you in whatever ways they are. Don't expect sympathy, you might not get this, but by sharing you're showing BS that you do care and you are working on yourself.

I have struggled with this, I've often felt that I cannot share my hurt with the person I have devastated. It's hard and I don't feel I am allowed to feel bad as this pain is self inflicted.

Keep reading on here and keep posting.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 245   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8762904
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