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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Who did I marry?!

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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

Honestly, it amazes me what goes through their heads.. like doing the bare minimum he was supposed to be doing as a husband and father is somehow going to mitigate his extramarital affairs. rolleyes
It's a childish mindset is what it is, like a little kid who thinks cleaning his room is going to get him out of trouble with Mom.

You might not feel like it just this moment, but from my perspective, you are still YOUNG with so much more life ahead of you. You deserve better than what you're getting from this guy right now.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8758063
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 Lonelybird (original poster new member #81052) posted at 6:06 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

Oh I know I deserve better. I’m just mad at myself for not doing this sooner.
This is the first time that I’m actually going through with what I said and it looks like he is getting nervous. He was asking me last night what he can do for me to just talk to him and I didn’t answer.
I’ve said everything I had to say to him. For now at least.
But I am also confused by my own feelings and emotions. Before I always used to cry and be so heartbroken. I couldn’t eat nor sleep.
Now I’m more like yeah it hurts and I’m mad but I can see myself without him. I can see myself doing everything on my own. Like I’m not talking to him right now and honestly I don’t miss his company.
Is this normal?! Does this mean I’ve finally had enough?!

posts: 8   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2022
id 8758086
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

Lonely -

Everything you’re feeling right now is normal. Your feelings are going to fluctuate wildly and that’s normal. You’ve undergone shock & betrayal. Have you looked into individual counseling for yourself? And consider for your children. Those are my recommendations after seeing a couple of attorneys to comparison shop. Good job on opening up a separate bank account. Order your credit report as who knows what else he’s been up to and to have a full picture of your financial situation. BTW, thank you for sharing your story. I was SMDH at him thinking he can clean the kitchen & build something to get you to forget the countless lies.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8758108
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 Lonelybird (original poster new member #81052) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

I’m just curious to know if anyone here has the experience of a serial cheater doing the work of getting help and getting their shit together. Like do they ever realize how fucked up they are.
I have a lot of things running through my head right now. At this point I have no problem walking away what hurts is leaving behind the what could have been. Like I know who I am in this but I don’t know who I am without it. Ugh this sucks.
Like how does one person get to decide to just destroy everything. I’m getting mad now and I just want him to hurt too. But he won’t show it even if he is. I know I’m all over the place but my mind won’t shut up.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2022
id 8758189
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 3:12 AM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Run! He will NOT change. Save yourself because he WILL do this again. He's not sorry and just wants you to rugsweep like always!

See an attorney to know your rights asap!

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8758378
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 7:14 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Lonely,
I can 200% honestly say that a serial cheater does NOT change. I am living that situation currently, my WH got caught in ONE supposed affair (2015), one polygraph scheduled later that number turned into somewhere around 13 plus women. My WH tried therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood abuse, received some EMDR therapy and claimed enthusiastically he's CURED rolleyes

Now, 6 years later I have just found out yet again my WH has been engaged in a series of physical affairs which at last count was 4 different women. I FIRMLY believe that even during the reconciling years (6) he never really stopped cheating. After 3 really solid years of patrolling him, tracking him and checking his daily whereabouts I did lighten up on the patrolling. (the patrolling & investigating is VERY emotionally draining)

This is WHO they are. You will mourn the loss, that's natural. The mindset of the serial cheater is very different IMO of the one time affair/poor choice. This is an addiction and they lack empathy for anyone, their kids, you, even the affair partners. The only thing that matters is themselves and what gives them satisfaction.

The serial cheater is usually a narcissist, or has NPD and a host of other undiagnosed issues. Sadly, narcissism is rarely curable that even after many years of therapy it only has a 75% chance of being "cured".

Save yourself the pain and another D-Day but cutting your losses, complete 180 or grey rock for your own emotional peace.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8758452
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 7:57 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Dear Lonelybird, your situation is very similar to mine back in 1990. I should have made him admit everything back then, but I was too blind in love to do so. I now regret that. You are married to a man who has no respect for you. You deserve better so please don't be like me and waste the best years of your life on a cheating prick. I feel like I was married to a stranger for over 50 years, and I now feel so ashamed and stupid. We can't turn back time, but you deserve a better future. My husband finally owns up to his years of cheating and disrespect. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for all the hurt he has caused me. I chose to stay for various reasons. I enjoy his company and we have common interests. On the outside, we were the perfect Barbie and Ken couple. Only those inside a marriage know what truly goes on. Please wake up and get your life in order; you deserve happiness.

floored

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8765447
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