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Newest Member: Goku06

Just Found Out :
A month after D-Day

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 ABunchOfPlants (original poster new member #80989) posted at 4:06 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

It’s been a bit over a month since D-Day and I’m still a wreck. I decided I wanted to reconcile and I never knew how hard it would truly be on me. I should say that my WP and I have never been married. I hope that’s okay.

I’ve been cheated on before in the past and he knew about it, and yet he still cheated.

I woke up one day, three days before our anniversary, after a nightmare that he cheated, and instead of waking him up to comfort me I went through his phone instead. That’s when I found out his AP was blackmailing him for money. They had sexted over Instagram and she had his nudes, and was threatening to leak them if he didn’t pay. She gave his nudes to multiple people, before deleting her account.

The nudes he took were in my bathroom. He took them and sent them when I was home. We had been cuddling while they were talking, and he got up, went and did it, and then came back to kiss and hug me and tell me he loved me. He never once showed he was sorry until he was caught, and his best friends forced him to. It wasn’t just cheating either, his Instagram dms were basically just another tinder profile. He was flirting with certain girl buddies of his. Writing this now, I don’t even know why I’m still with him.

For years he chose other girls over me. Lead me on then left me high and dry to peruse someone else for awhile until he decided he wanted me again. He finally said he was ready for a committed relationship. I’m an idiot.

He cried to his best friend about how he wants to marry me, how he truly loves me, that it was a mistake. He told her how he hates himself for it, how he’s become his cheating father. How he’s become the man that ruined his childhood. How he wanted to self-harm again and brand either "don’t do it again" or my name into his skin (this scared me). She showed me the messages. Obviously he didn’t harm himself.

He’s been "better" since then. He’s spoiling me, he apologizes whenever I bring it up, he’s more affectionate than ever. He’s talking about marrying me, us having kids. A life. But I’m not happy and I feel so trapped.

I want the wedding, the kids, the life together. I love him but I know if I talk about it with my best friends or family that they would never like him again. I want this to work but sometimes I look at him and just see the videos. The pictures. Knowing that he only knew her for two days before he did it. I feel like I’m rotting inside whenever it feels like that. I’m so scared that I’m just a stand in for him to find someone better, and I know that he’s never chosen me as his first choice until now. I don’t understand why he wants to keep me. Part of me feels like it’s because we live together and it’s easiest to him.

My self esteem has been decimated.

I’m not his type, and I’ve always known that. I’m not the pale, thin, curly haired girl he so often coveted. That’s not to say that I’m not pretty or I don’t think that I’m pretty, but I’m not what he wants. I like feeling pretty for my partner, and dolling myself up, but when I think about how I look to him I feel like I look repulsive.

I don’t trust him. I go through his phone every so often to check if he’s started up again. He hasn’t, but I’m terrified. Every text I see from another girl, every girl in his contacts, it all scares me. Him talking to old flames is even worse, because if he can sext a girl who he knew for two days, what about the ones he had feelings for long ago?

He’s starting therapy soon. He’s never answered my question as to "why" he did it, he just says he genuinely doesn’t know what was going through his head because he’s perfectly happy and content with me. But if he was, he wouldn’t have cheated.

He has a history of sexual trauma and abuse from an ex, so he avoids sex with me at times. He feels like he needs to serve me, and he’s not comfortable flirting with or initiating with me like he was before we started dating. No matter how much I tried to work on it with him, nothing helped. Then he cheated. He never once sexted me, but he was perfectly comfortable sexting her. I feel like it’s just an excuse of his, but I’ve seen his PTSD episodes when he gets triggered. It hurts me that it’s only in a relationship he’s like this.

Recently he’s reached out to old girl friends. It scares me. He’s still liking other girls photos. I don't know what to do to feel better about any of this. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’ll never be enough even though I realistically know I am. I feel like he’s lying when he says he loves me.

I don’t understand how he could hide it so we’ll, and how he showed no outward signs of regret or fear. It hurts me more that he didn’t show any signs of regret. It scares me that he’s friends with mostly women. It scares me that he’s more experienced sexually than me. It scares me that he’s slept with pretty much every single one of our mutual female friends. I can’t afford therapy and I don’t know what to do.

Most of the time he makes me so happy, but other times I wish I left.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8756303
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:04 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Good afternoon, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

I am so sorry for what your WP is putting you through.

Gently, he is not marriage material. He is a serial cheater. He's been behaving for one month. It takes YEARS and lots of hard work and commitment to move through infidelity and for you to heal.

Recently he’s reached out to old girl friends. It scares me. He’s still liking other girls photos

^^Again, gently, he has zero respect for you. He's looking for those ego kibbles, and honestly, I don't think guys like this ever change, or very rarely.

Please find a good IC for yourself, you really need to figure out why you would tolerate so much for so long.

Whatever you do, never, ever considering marrying this guy.

For years he chose other girls over me. Lead me on then left me high and dry to peruse someone else for awhile until he decided he wanted me again. He finally said he was ready for a committed relationship. I’m an idiot.

You're not an idiot, you wanted to believe him, and once again he has shown you who he is. Please believe him this time.

Sending a virtual hug....

posts: 11608   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8756425
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GretaOto ( new member #80904) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Why is he reaching out to old girlfriends after getting caught sexting and send nudes? I think you need to talk to him about his behaviors and create boundaries if you plan to stay with him.

My ex husband did similar things as your current is doing, he did it while we dated and I still married him. He never stopped after marriage or having a child. Does not mean yours won't stop but cheating online sometimes makes the one doing it feel like it isn't "that bad."

My current husband is very opposite, he lied to me but I can see he is trying hard to try and repair all the damage he caused.

You can tell the difference in wanting to work on things and not. If I were you, I would leave as soon as possible.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8756443
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I am so sorry, you need to believe you deserve better because you do. I have a WH (now divorcing) that gave me the same kind of red flags early on, then he spillied his heart out and his childhood abuse, dad died when he was young, mom abandoned him, just lots of physical and sexual components.

I looked at the good things and thought "maybe my love and some kids (he badly wanted kids) would fill his empty void and cure all of his pain"---NOPE, NADA and it did not happen. You will not CURE him of his attention seeking, you can't fix his brokenness, its who he is.

Could you even imagine having a family with him (like two kids under 5 rolleyes )and find out he never stopped BUT just fooled you into a false sense of hope and security.

You have zero commitment to stay with someone who has zero respect for your love and is willing to break your heart.

AND he is STILL liking girls photos--he's giving you a great gift here ABunchofPlants--he's telling YOU who HE is. Not on purpose but your saving grace to be rid of him before you get down the road of marriage and kids and a few years down the road, right back here on SI.

Sending hugs and peace, CT101

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater
Reconciled-2015
Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again
Heading to Divorce

posts: 1719   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756569
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LegsWideShut ( new member #80302) posted at 8:39 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

You clearly deserve much better than what yo are getting. In fact you deserve better than you may ever get from him.
Feeling trapped is not somewhere where you should want or allow yourself to be. Thats your psyche telling you what you not want to hear.
I would see you better served to move on to someone that truly loves you and is attracted to you as well. What you have now, isn't much to cling to, to be honest.

posts: 15   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8756570
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 2:33 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

This guy isn't R material based on cheating on you while he is happy and you have no practical reason to stay with him.

So don't.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756613
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Hi @ABunchOfPlants I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this painful betray in your relationship and my heart goes out to you.
I honestly think your WP has a lot of work to do on himself and to find help to address the trauma he's experienced before he can even begin to be the faithful partner you need him to be and that you deserve.

I know love is not something you can just turn off like a tap even when that person has hurt you, but you have to realise that love together with trust is the foundation that makes for a good and lasting relationship.

Please consider taking some time for yourself before continuing with R and let him know that you need his words to match up with his actions. I do believe people are capable of changing but that change has to come from that person's desire to want to make the necessary changes to be the best version of themselves. Also is there really any sincere remorse from him or is he just saying the things you want to hear because you caught him out.

Ultimately the decision to R is yours but I do want to encourage you to remember that YOU are worthy of love that can be trusted and I don't think you should settle for less.

Praying for healing and strength for your emotions and wisdom for the decisions you need to make. Much hugs ))).

posts: 219   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8756787
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