Yeah, I hear what you're saying emergent.
The thing is, he was physically with me the whole time she was in TC. He was texting her... which makes it an EA. I don't think he could take it to PA and still be able to maintain the high moral ground he's on. Except if he did the whole, "look what you made me did" thing.
I believe that he wasn't physically intimate with her. BUT, I know he's been having an EA at the very least. H doesn't see it that way, he doesn't see any of his "friendships" as EA's, but... when you're comparing your wife in a consistently negative way to another woman, wanting your wife to be more like other women, spending time texting a younger attractive woman... lying about it... covering it up... but then grateful when you're caught? And relieved that you finally understand how she is unhealthy for you... shaking my head.
He's making progress in recognizing his behavior as damaging to me (from the lovely hangover I've lived with from my dad's blatant A with a family friend), damaging to our M (really, how can you expect your wife to want to "try harder to be more like woman X" when you're constantly using woman X as the example of what you're failing to provide him) and unhealthy for him (weird obsession with keeping texting her).
He dumped 2 of her calls the other day when poor wittle baby-waby was suffering the natural effects of a full face lasering, complete with burns, peels and pain. WAH WAH. She posted on Snapchat instead and he laughed at her pic.
Got H to see that J is unhealthy and he needs to NC her. Now it's a matter of seeing whether he actually follows through. If not, well, again, I'm not going to invest much energy into a person that is putting his energy elsewhere.