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Wayward Side :
Questions to discover the "whys"

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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 9:00 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

I'm working through a series of questions to help understand my past infidelity. I have been sharing my answers with IC and will share with BS once I'm happy they're real (no more self lies, minimising, deflecting etc). Firstly I will share the questions I have for other WS who are struggling and secondly, those of you who have done work on why, what questions did you ask yourself?

I'm not sure if it will be a good idea to share answers necessarily as I feel this could lead to "borrowing" of responses and treating them as our own. Maybe I'm being a little cynical, although I have to admit (and have before today) that I initially cam onto SI for answers. I wanted there to be a "magical" person who could tell me if five sentences why I did what I did and all will be fixed...What an idiot! I was in denial about having to do the work. I wanted a quick fix and to move on. I even wanted people to tell me I was "Not an asshole" or "You're a great guy, you just made a mistake" that sort of thing to validate my illusion I was not a serial adulterer and a lot of my activity was "harmless" or "not that bad".

I don't know, maybe some might get benefit with sharing with us. Up to you I guess.

– What did the affair mean to you?
– Did the affair provide something that you felt you needed?
– What did you get out of it that you weren’t getting in the relationship?
– Where you getting some need met from this other person that you were afraid to ask BS to provide?
– Did you feel guilty?
– Did you find anything new out about yourself?
– Why do you think it happened when it did? Was there anything else going on in your life that influenced your decision?
– Do you you blame the other person for the affair, is it difficult for you to take full responsibility?
– What does it mean to you if you were to take full responsibility for the affair?
– What made it difficult to stop?
– Did the affair have anything to do with something you felt was missing from your sex life?
– Did you ever want BS to find out?
– Why did you tell BS about the affair? -OR- Why didn’t you tell BS about the affair?
– What drew you to this person?
– Were you ever worried about losing BS?
– How did you feel when BS found out about the affair?
– What was it like to keep the affair a secret?
– What was it like for you to have the two relationships?
– What was it like to come home to BS?
– Did you see a future with this other person?
– Did you ever think of leaving BS?
– Did you ever want to leave BS?
– Are you staying for BS or are you staying for the children and your life together?
– Do you think it will happen again?
– Were you trying to get BS attention?

What other questions should be asked of ourselves?

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8750477
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ohmy_marie ( new member #469) posted at 10:30 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

What other questions should be asked of ourselves?

Do I like myself?
Do I love myself?
Am I angry? (if so, what am I angry about)
Am I afraid?
Do I feel I'm missing out on something? (if so, what)
Do I know how to engage my mind and body in healthy ways?
Do I give enough of myself to my spouse and my family?
Do I listen attentively to my spouse and family?
Do I know how to ask for help?
Do I know how to ask if my loved ones need help?
Do I speak and treat others in a kind, courteous manner?
Do I speak and treat myself in a kind, courteous manner?
Do I understand what it means to be kind and courteous?
Do I need to adopt a role model, coach, or mentor to help me model kind, loving behaviour?
Do I practice daily gratitude? (if not, why don't I)
What do I think is the most important thing for a happy life? (am I doing that thing)

(I think it's important to examine ourselves separately from both the M and the A)

I truly believe the answers to the WHY come from within (and not so much from what was perceived as missing in the M, or perceptions of what the A was providing).

What was (or is) missing in you?

Love, Marie

BS & WS. Married

Every opportunity lost can be traced back to the failure to adapt. --Bernard Branson

posts: 37   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2002   ·   location: USA
id 8750481
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