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Newest Member: Goku06

Wayward Side :
Had to create a new screen name.

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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 9:07 PM on Saturday, August 13th, 2022

Hello all,

I have been posting here as JustPlainLost for a while now. Unfortunately I somehow got locked out of my account. After several attempts to change my password and contacting the mods for help I got no response. So I created a new screen name.

I had promised to give a more detailed account of my affair here since I never went into too many details. Mainly out of shame for what I’ve done and reliving my actions really is painful for me.

In December of 2020 I stared an affair with a coworker. It started with kissing after a Christmas party and quickly moved to meeting at a hotel not far from where we worked on five occasions. We also did things in his car in the parking lot at work on one occasion.

My reasons in my mind for this were because I felt unappreciated by my husband. I felt he was being too harsh on me over financial concerns and resented him for this. I not justifying what I did. I am giving the reasons that I used to justify my actions at the time.

Also one of my friends from work was doing the same thing to her boyfriend and she made it out to be this fun adventure that she was having. Again I’m not blaming her. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was looking for reasons to justify my behavior. So I did what I did.

I slept with my coworker on those five occasions between December of 2020 and February of 2021. I lied to my husband. I was cold to him. Pushed him away and was pretty much cruel to him leading up to this affair.

When my dad got sick in March of 2021 my husband was there for me in a way he had me been for a while. He loves my dad and he was so supportive of me. By contrast my AP got annoyed with me when I cancelled a planned netting with him so I could go to the hospital with my mom.

This caused me to have massive guilt over how I’d treated my husband and I broke down and cried and told him I was so sorry for everything. But still stopped short of admitting I had cheated on him.

I told my AP that I was done with him and didn’t want to see him anymore. He was terrified of our partners finding out and so was I and we said we’d never tell them. He went as far as getting a new job in the summer of 2021.

I ended up admitting my affair in November of 2021 out of guilt for what I’d done. I was having actual physical issues caused by nerves and guilt and again my husband was supportive thinking it was because of work related stress.

So after this he basically grey rocked my and we did live together for a while before head had one real bad blow up at me and basically threw me out of the house. I’ve been living first at my parent’s then with a friend since February of this year.

He admitted to me that he had a revenge affair over the spring with a woman he met through his job. Not a coworker but someone his job brought him into contact with.

We have been keeping in contact and having coffee once a week though. We have both been in contact with attorneys but we both have decided that we want to try and see if reconciliation is possible.

So last weekend when we met for coffee he asked me if I’d like to go to a baseball game with him last Saturday. I was nervous about this but I went anyway as we hadn’t spent any time together at all since before thanksgiving last year. We had a nice enough time at the game and both laughed a bit and enjoyed the game. So after the game when we alluded to our cars I kind of caressed his cheek a little and he took my hand and said "Not yet. I’m not ready for that yet." That was a little painful but I understand. That’s where we are right now. Tomorrow’s coffee meet up is off because he’s going to a concert in Pittsburgh with his half brothers.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8750387
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midnightschild99 ( new member #33465) posted at 5:38 AM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

This topic is WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:15 PM, Monday, August 15th]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2011
id 8750427
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 3:08 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

I feel remorse for what I did. I don’t know how you can say I don’t. And I’ve been told by more than one person that what he did is my fault. Both my mother and sister told me that as well as some friends of mine. I understand that he more than likely never would have cheated if I hadn’t first but it still hurts. I know most will say I don’t have the right to feel hurt by it but I do.

As far as how many times he was with this woman he said it happened three times. Three weekends in a row. She isn’t married or in a relationship with anyone so at least there’s no collateral damage there. Also he said he hasn’t contacted her since and for both of them it was just a hookup and she wasn’t looking for anything serious out of it. She was aware that he was married but separated.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8750451
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

I have to disagree with the notion that you’re responsible for your H affair. To me, that makes it sound as if he had no choice in the matter. Him cheating was his response to your A, but ultimately he made a CHOICE. Just as we WS made a serious of deliberate decisions to cheat, so did your H.

I certainly hope you two can work things out. But he needs to own his own infidelity. Given that you’ve referred to it as an RA, you didn’t give him a hall pass. RA always seem to cause more destruction to an already bad situation.

Me -FWS

posts: 1967   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8750453
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ohmy_marie ( new member #469) posted at 3:48 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Hi Lost,

My name is Marie. I rarely post here at SI, but your story caught my eye. I used to post on another forum for many years, but stepped away from posting once my marriage was in a good place.

Like you and your marriage, both my H and I had affairs. My H cheated first, and then I had what I call a "discovery affair." To me, it does not matter who went first. We were both responsible for our choices.

Anyway, I see lots of positives and hope in your story.

You are both willing to meet weekly for coffee, you are both willing to put D on the back burner to date each other again, and your H still calls you by your nickname.

As to your family being rough on you, unfortunately you cannot control what they say or think. You can, however, go forward in grace, with your head held high, and mold yourself into the strong, loving, faithful woman you know is inside of you.

Forward progress. Keep gratitude, kindness, and love at the forefront of your thoughts and you will reap rewards!

Love, Marie

[This message edited by ohmy_marie at 3:50 PM, Sunday, August 14th]

BS & WS. Married

Every opportunity lost can be traced back to the failure to adapt. --Bernard Branson

posts: 37   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2002   ·   location: USA
id 8750454
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 1:58 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2022

LostAndHoping.

I wish I had some nice insights to share. I have been reading your posts and understand your pain. All I can say is that there is hope, you and your husband can both grow from this.

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8750521
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darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

I think there is a lot of hope for you. I suggest siting down and talking about counseling. You coming clean was big. I hope he sees it. Even though you may be separated and possible divorce it does Not mean its over. It will be hard though you 2 need to be become friends first, then the 2 of you against the world friends. I'll keep a eye on your threads.

[This message edited by darkwof at 12:39 AM, Tuesday, August 16th]

posts: 24   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2020
id 8750610
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darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 12:37 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

does NOT mean its over sorry typo.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2020
id 8750611
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TryingToFixWhatIBroke ( new member #80391) posted at 7:15 PM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Hey Lost- I just want to say I’m rooting for you guys. I’ve followed your posts and I can tell there is a lot of love between the 2 of you. I really hope you guys can work through the pain. I’ve shared your story with my BS previously and he is also rooting for the 2 of you. Glad you guys had a good time at the game!

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8751208
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 6:50 PM on Saturday, August 20th, 2022

Hello, OP. Do you plan to stick with this thread/username or return to the other? Either way, I hope we hear from you.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8751290
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 3:35 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

BraveSirRobin

I’ll stick with this name and I can’t seem to log into the other one and my requests for a password reset were all ignored.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8751559
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ohmy_marie ( new member #469) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Hi LostandHoping! Just checking in on you. Sending some happiness and hope your way! Love, Marie

BS & WS. Married

Every opportunity lost can be traced back to the failure to adapt. --Bernard Branson

posts: 37   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2002   ·   location: USA
id 8754365
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 9:22 PM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

How are you doing Hoping? My hope is that you are on your best path to healing.

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8755430
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 2:44 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

My husband filed for divorce. I got the papers last week Monday. I have been in somehow a daze these last few weeks trying to cope with this. There’s not much else to tell. He’s asked me not to contact him at all unless it’s through our attorneys. I haven’t even been able to compose a post about this situation.

The last conversation we had was my husband basically saying he’s realized he’ll never be able to trust me again. He can’t live the rest of his life wondering what I’m up to whenever are not together. And he’s not the type who wants to have to constantly check up on me and treat me like a prisoner or something. He’s asked that we make this as quick and painless as possible.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8755798
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 10:49 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I'm sorry you did not get the resolution you sought. Please be sure to not forget your health while you are dealing with this.

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8755947
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