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Wayward Side :
Feeling lost and alone

stop

 TryingToFixWhatIBroke (original poster new member #80391) posted at 3:40 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

H is having a hard day, which means he’s lashing out at me and saying some really fucked up shit (talking about having a revenge A and worse). We’re in R, but today definitely doesn’t feel like it. After a great week and weekend, he’s just spiraled, which makes the lashing out that much harder.

I know all of this is a consequence to my actions… I will take on whatever comes my way to save my marriage and stayed married to this man, I love him so much. Today is just really really hard and I’m having a hard time seeing my worth. I’m not suicidal, but driving my car off a cliff sounds rather comforting.

I know I’ve hurt him to the core and I deserve all this, but it gets really hard. I’m afraid to argue with him. When he’s lashing out I’m worried to even tell him to stop. Not because I’m scared of him or anything, but because I’m afraid to take any steps back.

I’m feeling lost and hopeless. I have no one to talk to about this other than my therapist and my H. I don’t know why I’m posting this, I should probably keep a journal instead.

Any tips on how to keep your head up during these times? I just don’t want to make anything worse for H, he’s been through so much.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8747987
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Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 6:18 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

H is having a hard day, which means he’s lashing out at me and saying some really fucked up shit (talking about having a revenge A and worse). We’re in R, but today definitely doesn’t feel like it.

Actually today's events are exactly what reconciling looks and feels like and it may be like this for a while. You may want to rethink if you can persevere for the long haul. Reconciliation isn't for everyone. Some waywards can fight through this period and others can't. At some point in time, it'll be anger with quietness and not words, but right now the emotional injury he's be inflicted with is akin to tearing a ligament or breaking bone when the pain is at it's most intense state. After a while it dissipates, but is still painful nonetheless.

Just trying to paint a potential future scenario for you so that can be real with yourself. There are WW's here who can speak with greater clarity on what it takes. All I can say is that you can do everything right and still be subjected to his pain outbursts. Trauma is a quiet soul killer for victims of infidelity. It might help you to read up on how infidelity trauma induces emotional instability. Educating yourself might increase your compassion and patience.

posts: 718   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8748006
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 6:47 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Honestly, TTF, your best bet is to answer some of the questions you've been asked here about what you did, why you're avoiding discussing it, and what he's demanding of you.

From the limited information you've provided, it sounds like you and your BH have each other trapped in a standoff where neither of you can start healing. You're sticking to an implausible story and white knuckling it through periodic abusive behavior, motivated by shame and the hope that he'll eventually wear himself out. He's casting around for toxic solutions (force you "to submit," beat up AP, fuck someone else) that will not solve anything and indeed have great potential to pour gasoline on the flames. The good times make you believe that you've turned a corner and are putting your infidelity in the past. He senses this and is infuriated by it, and the cycle begins again.

I get it. When all of your lizard brain instincts are signalling fight or flight, it's agonizingly difficult to be deliberately vulnerable. If there weren't still some love between you, you wouldn't be so afraid of the power you hold over each other. You're both scared of hurting and scared of being hurt, and the resulting defensiveness keeps driving you further apart.

As counterintuitive as it may sound when you're trying to hold tight to your marriage, a short separation (one in which you do not see other people) might be a good idea here. You need space to get serious about confronting your suppressed memories and coming fully clean. He needs to find healthier coping mechanisms. The roller coaster is a natural response to infidelity, but for the sake of your kids, if nothing else, it sounds like time to get some distance and perspective.

WW/BW

posts: 2835   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8748009
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