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New Beginnings :
How do you break up with someone?


EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:36 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Hey Coach - glad you ripped off the bandaid! Breakups are never something that get better with time. Best just to get them over and done with.

She said she wasn't going to try to talk me into anything but she was disappointed in me for not having a conversation about it with her before making my mind up. As we were getting off the phone, she said again that she was disappointed, and that she loved me (this was the first time the L word had been used between us).

Just saying, but with her volatility could you *really* have had a tough conversation with her? Seems to me that she doesn't handle it very well when people don't fit in to the boxes she wants them in. And her choosing this moment to drop the L word... that's not cute, that's manipulative IMHO.

Perhaps if I had put more effort into figuring out the why of her behavior instead of defending myself, things could have gone differently.

No, uh-uh, nyet, non, nein, NOOOOOOOPE. No no no. YOU do not need to 'figure out her behavior'. She's a grown ass person - SHE needs to figure out her own behavior. Took me a long time to learn this for myself, but the truth of it is it doesn't matter if I figure THEM out or know why they're doing something. If their behavior negatively impacts ME, then I have a duty of care to myself to not deal with said behavior. Please stop this train of thought - you have only been dating her a few months. You don't owe her to stick around when you know that is not what's best for YOU.

She is upset with me that I did not wait until after the trip we had planned. She believes I sabotaged her summer and left her with no vacation this year.

So she would have preferred you go on a trip and act like a happy couple then come home and break up? Who would want that? And she's a successful grown person - if she wants a vacation she can take one her darn self. YOU did not sabotage her summer. Her plans changed that's all.

When they separated she chose to spend several years single working on healing herself. I was her first relationship since her divorce. I still do not see red flags with her. I see someone who needs to work through trauma and who needs a partner who fits the relationship that she wants. The fact that I am by nature a reserved and somewhat guarded person and she wears her emotions on her sleeve resulted in her feeling insecure in the relationship. I think she needs to be with someone who is more effusive and whose love language is words of affirmation. I will never be that person.

She still has some work to do, just my 0.02. And that's okay! It's okay that she still has healing to do - that doesn't make her a bad person. But it does make her a poor choice for you I think. And the fact that you know that, that you know you aren't a good fit for her (or she for you), and chose to end things quickly is truly a kindness to her in the long run. Please don't feel like a 'bad guy' - it was far kinder for you to end things sooner rather than later, rather than stick around for more months (or years) trying to make it fit when it just doesn't. Sometimes relationships just don't work. That's just facts. And in those situations, it is far better to call it asap than to try to force it.

I believe it was these childhood experiences that resulted in me realizing how much of an impact I can have on the emotions of those around me, and in turn, resulted in feeling responsible for the happiness and emotional well-being of those who are close to me. It is something that I have not been able to get past. I often set aside what is best for me in an effort to please the people in my life. On a number of occasions, this has been done at an extraordinary cost to myself and my happiness.

One thing I learned through my infidelity circus and divorce (and a number of other formative experiences in the last 10-ish years) - I do not own other people's feelings. I don't own their happiness, I don't own their mad, I don't own their sad. How other people feel is THEIR responsibility. Understand I am not saying I am gonna walk around and treat people badly or anything, but so long as I am owning my own stuff and keeping my side of the street clean, how others feel is on them.

I did this for years with my dad (an emotionally and mentally abusive douche), with my alcoholic mother (who is now celebrating her 10th year of sobriety), and with my xwh. I cared more about their feelings and thoughts and happy and sad/mad/etc, than I ever did about my own. I ignored my own feelings and put up with a lot of shit that I shouldn't have. All that gave me was heartbreak. It wasn't until I started honoring my own emotional needs that my life got better.

For me, this has been a freeing thought. Knowing that I no longer have to own someone else's feelings is a huge weight lifted.

The long emotional texts and professions of love started coming late last night and have continued through the day.

Block them. That sounds so heartless, but really this sounds like classic lovebombing to me. And also actions/words - she told you in the breakup call that she 'wouldn't try to talk you in to anything' and now is doing this. Red flag. It's okay to feel sorry that she's hurting right now, but any response you give to this just prolongs her hurt and prolongs your guilty feelings too. And you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I want to be certain that I am continuing to be a point of stability and consistency in their lives. I am concerned that them meeting someone I was dating and then me ending that relationship will be seen as lacking in stability.

My mom was really messed up for a long time with men. She married and dated some real assholes for most of my life - abusive, alcoholic, guys who would hit her, one who ran her over with his car.... yeah, some real charmers. She stuck around in these relationships FAR past the point of sanity. I, her daughter, never looked at her staying in a bad relationship as 'stable'. I see her honoring herself and her worth now and that is more stability than I ever had growing up.

Point being, you showing your girls by example that you value yourself and that you are unwilling to settle for an ill-fitting relationship IS showing them stability.

Please don't feel bad here Coach. You did nothing wrong here, not one damn thing. It sucks that it didn't work out, but that doesn't make you the bad guy at all.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8743257

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:05 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

She’s trying to lovebomb you back into the relationship.

One thing I learned early in life - when it’s over it’s over. No turning back in most cases.

To address your point - I completely understood my H’s mid life crisis affair. It was soooo obvious. Just b/c I understood it didn’t make it stop or didn’t make it easier to accept or watch. I understood why he wanted a D snd why he was cheating and why he was treating me poorly — and??? Its STILL WRONG.

I hope EllieKMas’ points help you. They are spot on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:05 PM, Sunday, July 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12307   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743264
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