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Newest Member: Isabel121

Wayward Side :
New job

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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

I lost my job back in March, but was lucky enough to be in a relatively stable financial position to take some time off. Both to support family and to work on myself. Alas, all good things come to an end. I return to work tomorrow on a fulltime basis.

Now, working and going into an office is a huge trigger for BS given my infidelity often happened at work. Tomorrow is going to be tough on BS as she will be home on her own (all week) for the first time this year. We've spoken about her worries and have some boundaries in place to try and make the situation safer. Of course as a WS working on being a FWS there are lots of worries and concerns (I expect there will be concerns in a new role even when I can call myself a FWS). Actually this leads me to a question! When do/did you consider yourself or your partner a FORMER WS? I am no longer cheating, but still have work to do to understand whys and to be consistently safe.

Currently we've agreed:

- To allow BS access to e-mails
- For me to keep in contact through the day and to respond to text messages when appropriate
- Talk about the day at work and who I work with
- Keep communication professional
- Use STOPP when making decisions and think what would BS make of this message/e-mail if she were to be reading it over my shoulder?

I am trying to be empathetic and understand the worries and concerns BS is having. I do, I think, understand them and I don't think I have got defensive or dismissive when discussing the new job. Unfortunately the lottery win has not come in yet! I therefore, have to work. There is nobody in the office that knows or new any AP. (that I know of at least). I'm contracting (approx 9 months) so no "need" to make friends. Just go into the office, do my job, come home. I would be impolite, but not overly friendly either. I've removed "unsafe" people from my life, I'll not let others in.

Any suggestions on making the transition back to work easier for myself or BS?

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8738784
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 1:06 AM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

Regarding the FWS... Early on, I figured that was title that should be assigned (or not) by my wife, seeing as how she was the victim. Me assigning that title to myself felt a little too much like "the inmates running the asylum" if you know what I mean. Now, 6 years in, I'm comfortable with the term WS. In a similar way to how an alcoholic always refers to themselves as an alcoholic even when they've been "Dry" for a long time. In my opinion, it's better to act like a fws than to be called one.

Good luck on the new job. I think you've made some reasonable plans to try and counter the anxiety. One thing we did was to put an app called Life360 on our phones, it just allows us to track each other in real time, so even to this day, she can still see where I am at any given time. It might be a good thing to add to your arsenal.

Just be confident about what you do. That will help pass that confidence on to your spouse.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1282   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8738798
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 12:36 AM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

How's it going, Bulcy, at work and for your BW?

WW/BW

posts: 2748   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8740401
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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Hi,

The new job is going well. It's been quite a gentle start so far. Last week and this have been introductions to reporting processes. I have the option of working from home a couple of days a week, which is nice. I feel a lot happier in this role than previously and the stress levels are significantly less.

It was a struggle returning to work after a couple of months off. This stress was felt by both myself and BW. We had plans on what we were going to do both in personal/relationship development and around the house. We did achieve quite a lot and I managed to secure some additional counselling sessions which are exclusively held weekdays between 9 and 5. Although a lot was done, two months flew by. We did get a chance to relax and spend some time enjoying one anothers company.

The fact that I am physically in an office again is a big trigger for BW. That with the additional fact that the office contains women, women that BW does not know. This in itself is a massive trigger. I have told BW what I know about these women. We discuss most days how my days has been and I allow BW to see e-mails and Teams messages should she want to see them. We also loved spending time together through April and May and it has come as a bit of hit that we are now spending so many hours apart. The day I have my group counselling, I have to leave straight from work. This means we are apart for over 13 hours. It is quite difficult not being together and we miss one another greatly. We have both had more "bad days" and are currently both struggling with overeating and lacking motivation to do "stuff". We have gone back to writing lists of jobs that need doing and helping one another with getting them done.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8740446
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 7:26 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Hi Bulcy,

BW here so I hope it's okay answering.

It sounds like you're really trying here so that's great. My husband's A was with a coworker so the office was very much a trigger for me at first too. Things that helped: keeping a regular schedule and letting me know about any deviation from it (ie. heading to lunch with a friend, going to the gym etc). Being available as possible during the day for check ins. He would let me know if he was about to go into a meeting or wouldn't have access to his phone if needed so i wouldn't panic if he didn't respond. Going straight there and straight back. He checked in with me and asked my permission about any extra-ciricular work stuff (ie. dinners, client lunches etc.) Letting me know about any communications that were in any way questionable or borderline or that he thought would make me feel uncomfortable in any way. You'd think that seeing or hearing from this stuff would make me feel uncomfortable or more stressed but honestly, it had the opposite effect because it was a way for my husband to demonstrate to me that he was being alert and protective of me and our marriage. Honestly, half the stuff she told me about was less than nothing and I wouldn't have given it another thought but his willingness to show me and to bring it to me showed me that his commitment to honesty meant more to him than avoiding a potential argument (a big deal because he trends towards avoidance). Little by little, it built trust because if I can trust him with the little stuff, maybe I can trust him with the big stuff too, right?

Good luck.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8740487
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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Thanks E8,

Thanks for answering, I welcome input from BS as much as WS.

I follow a similar policy when it comes to a weekly schedule. I forward a copy of my calendar every Monday. This gives details of time of meeting and who is present. Any file attachments are excluded so I have no concern about confidentiality. This does give BS a view of when I'm going to be busy. If there are any changes to the schedule I will let her know by text. I've agreed not to do lunch with people from work and only to attend outside of work functions if partners are welcome.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8740983
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Congrats on the new job!

I got into the habit of taking a photo of where I am or who I am with and texting it to my wife along with occasional comment. Even the odd selfie from my desk if that is all I'm doing afterhours.

Sharing what I did during my day, and talking about the people I interacted with also went a long way to helping me open up and helping wife know what my day was like and building some sense of trust. Now many years later and we constantly talk about our days and I get a lot of good feedback from my wife when laying out issues with clients, or contractors since she has a sense of who they all are and what the issues are.

WH 52,my BW is 51
1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015
Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday
“To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 673   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8741096
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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I got into the habit of taking a photo of where I am or who I am with and texting it to my wife along with occasional comment. Even the odd selfie from my desk if that is all I'm doing afterhours.

Funny you should say this. I do the same, both BS and I send selfies a lot! Often when I arrive at a destination, then when I'm sat at venue (or desk), maybe one at lunch and then when I get in my car to head home....I recently ran out of space in my "cloud" I checked the extensive volume of photos and deleted around 600 selfies....I can only imagine what someone at iPhone HQ would think if they were looking at them!! smile We have actually made a game of it...On a Friday we do "Funny Face Friday" where we send one another silly photos, made more difficult if either of us are at our place of work.

Seriously though, this does have a positive effect and hopefully reassures BS I am where I say I am. The "find my friend" app helps too.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8741117
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