I understand what you all are saying about the PPO. And about him trying to prove that I'm not really scared of him. My lawyer has said the same. We are doing all exchanges now through his parents (my preference because I won't have to be there with him) or the police station. I do not reply to any texts unless it is about the kids or finances and I absolutely have to.
I still feel grief. I am overcome with pain and sadness. It feels separate from the PPO and how he is currently acting.
He had the kids yesterday and still called me twice and texted me on and off. It went from pictures of the kids, to him questioning what the initial divorce paperwork says and telling me he's disappointed in me, and back and forth a few more times. I don't respond. But what I'd like to say... He's disappointed in me?? I'm disappointed in him!! I'm disheartened (his new favorite term) that my husband cheated on me over and over. Had affairs over and over. Cheated on me while I was pregnant and put our son's health and life in danger. I'm disheartened that I was depressed while I was pregnant and he didn't even see it, let alone do anything to help me. To this day he probably doesn't even realize that.
I'm disheartened that he continues to hurt me. That he is harassing me on a near constant basis. That I am to the point that I am exhausted and I just want him to leave me alone. That I am in so much pain because of him that I want to scream and tear myself apart. That I am so lonely that it hurts. That I know that I am healing, and I know that I have a future. But right now I am still in the thick of the pain and it is a lot to bear. I want to tell him that what he did still hurts me every minute of every day and it is all I can do to keep it together for our babies.
When he tries to make me feel guilty for confusing the kids, I want to tell him that it would be worse for them to see mom being bullied every time by dad. That they can hear the things he says to me. That they can see me being hurt by it. That is not what I want them to see. That I am protecting my babies. That I am always putting them first. But I don't have to light myself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
I'd like to tell him that I just want all of this to be over. That I want to move on and try to make some sort of future but every time he texts me or calls me I feel like he is dragging me backwards. I wish I could tell him that I don't even know if I want to keep the house anymore because there are too many memories of us here. There are too many dreams of what I thought we would do together. That part of me wants to sell it and get a new place of my own, but that I worry about my kids losing their home. They already have so much to adjust to and have lost so much, I don't want to take one more thing away from them. I don't want to take away their home where they are the most comfortable, the most safe.
I want to tell him so many things. I want him to understand. But I know I could tell him all of this and it wouldn't make a difference. Or it would for a second, and then he'd use my pain against me. He doesn't want to understand. So I don't say any of it. I stay silent when he texts on and on about how I'm a horrible mom and a horrible person. I stay silent and try to have dignity and grace. But it's hard and it hurts.
