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General :
Happy anniversary to me

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 achilles1101 (original poster member #74132) posted at 6:34 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Today is my anniversary. Thought it was going well. Wife made me the best scallops and steak ever. I got her some roses and a card. WE decided it was going to be low key, We had plans to either get in the tub or her give me a massage. she Said she was going to watch one episode of a show with my daughter, no problem, I get it.

I go out to see what is taking so long and she is asleep on the couch,

Sucks, I guess this is just a rant.

She has done so well prior to this, I guess it just hurts

Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger

posts: 357   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8734063
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:20 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

There are always going to be some triggers and setbacks. The best advice that I can give is to do exactly what you did....realize that she has done well....and not let this event set you back too far. Hopefully, she will realize your hurt before you even need to mention it, and talk to you about it.

If there is anything that I have learned through infidelity, it is the EFFORT that usually means the most.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4012   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8734082
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:27 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

As a person who works hard and gets tired and has been known to nod off in the evening, I can understand how she did that if that was the case for her. However, it could also have been a way to avoid intimacy. I think you sense that possibility, which is why you're so unhappy about this.

Tell her you understand she was tired, and ask her when is a good night (soon) for the shared tub AND massage (you deserve both, especially since you had to take a raincheck). If she balks or acts annoyed in any way, or tries to put it off for a long time, that's a sign that your R is on shaky ground. If she happily agrees, then you're probably doing well.

I read your other post from last month about others not taking the affair seriously, so it's clear you're still in pain. Make sure your suffering is worthwhile by quality checking your R from time to time. If she's showing her commitment to it through her actions and you still want to go on, then good. If she doesn't seem committed, though, your pain will be reduced by deciding to leave her and go no contact.

I hope things improve for you.

[This message edited by morningglory at 12:45 AM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734270
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 achilles1101 (original poster member #74132) posted at 12:46 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

She apologized and I am over it. We made up for it last night. Honestly, if that is the most I have to complain about, I am doing pretty well. The problem is when you are trying to recover from infidelity, things that aren't a big deal are a big deal. Part of the problem I think is that our wedding anniversary is sandwiched between D Day 2 anniversary and D Day 1 anniversary. I think I am just hyper sensitive

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 12:52 AM, Monday, May 9th]

Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger

posts: 357   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8734272
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:03 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

We made up for it last night.

Good.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734274
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 achilles1101 (original poster member #74132) posted at 3:19 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I love that woman, I just hate what she did. I think not being able to turn that off or at least put it aside cost me for a long time. Not sure if I am saying that right.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 3:22 AM, Monday, May 9th]

Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger

posts: 357   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8734287
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 5:12 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I love that woman, I just hate what she did.

I think that who you really are is expressed by what you do.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734298
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 achilles1101 (original poster member #74132) posted at 12:24 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I think that who you really are is expressed by what you do.

I would agree. I saw the ugliness of the affair and who she was. I have also seen the change in her as she hit rock bottom and decided to change. That wasn't easy for her and took a long time. It was hard for her to accept that and she fought it for a long time. People can change and I am hoping she does, permanently. If she can, I will be here, if not I am gone. I have not given up yet.

Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger

posts: 357   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8734445
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