SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So far with dating I have found that the men want the sex right away and as soon as it's given up the relationship or whatever it is changes.

Bingo. I'm so done with that dynamic. I want love, not just to be of temporary physical use to someone. My experience has been that many men lie, say "I love you", "we're exclusive", "I'm committed", etc., in order to get to the sexual phase of the relationship within the first months. And after they've achieved their goal of getting sex, companionship and emotional connection, all free of any real, legal commitment, they begin taking you for granted, and the relationship gradually becomes a diminishing returns machine for the woman. I'm not putting myself through that again.

If I don't find someone who actually wants a loving spouse, without first demanding a sexual audition, then the peaceful alternative is to solely focus on being a mother and to take good care of myself, exercise, travel, be creative, etc. A much better prospect than spending months or years devoting my energy to trying to please a middle aged man in bed and in daily life, all in the hopes that he might someday decide that he wants to make a commitment.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:08 AM, Friday, April 29th]

Honestly conservative dating is already hard enough if you're young. With immorality like sex before marriage being almost a given dating even though we know it's wrong. But doing it now at my age almost feels impossible, was already hard enough in the 90s to find a girl with morals. I imagine it's worse trying to find a man with morals though.

We'll all make it though

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 3:48 AM, Friday, April 29th]

As a Christian I have thought a lot about this, especially because I feel like waiting longer would have weeded out my xwh before we were serious.

I have talked about in therapy as well and for me at least, the reasons for waiting for marriage were more me trying to control the potential of myself being hurt. I had a long list of these things - I wouldn’t date anyone who hadn’t been single for this long, no one that didn’t have a positive relationship with their ex, no one who had these certain jobs, no one who x,y,z… and in the end it was me telling myself that if someone fit into my strict guidelines then they couldn’t hurt me and it would be fine.

And ultimately we all know that’s not true. Loving someone is allowing them have them potential to hurt you. And I can’t control what someone else does - no boundary I put up is going to prevent heartbreak unfortunately.

For me, I landed on being healthy and whole myself is a better security than anything about the other person. When I’m healthy I notice red flags and am more able to walk away.

So I’m all for whatever boundary you want and if you want to wait until marriage, then that’s what you want and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that and I really in my heart believe there are good men out there who want that too. I would just caution you to make sure that you are not seeing this boundary as a way to prevent hurt if that makes sense. I’m sure it will definitely filter out a lot of assholes and that’s awesome, but ultimately it’s not going to protect you from a marriage that includes infidelity again.

When I’m healthy I notice red flags and am more able to walk away.

Yes, definitely, a red flag for me is a man who doesn't respect my sexual boundaries. Before, I let myself be pressured into sex I didn't want, because I was in love. Never again.

Maintaining this standard will also have the effect of weeding out a lot of users. I agree it doesn't guarantee you won't get hurt, but like wearing a seatbelt, it increases your chance of not getting hurt.

[This message edited by morningglory at 11:46 PM, Friday, April 29th]