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Reconciliation :
And then, it clicked...


DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:29 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Do you remember Victor Borge? He was a concert pianist and comedian who was very popular and very funny (back in my younger days). He had a "running gag" where he would put some sheet music on the piano stand, and then start to play the music... for example, it might sound peppy like the theme to The Lone Ranger. Then he'd make a weird face as if something wasn't quite right, squint his eyes and look more closely at the sheet music... suddenly he'd realize it was upside down! He turns it over and sure enough, smiles and begins playing, and it's actually Moonlight Sonata. It wasn't until he realized that the music was upside down that it made sense to him as to why the music sounded wrong before that. The thing that made it funny was that the audience had no idea what was wrong with him, until the actual problem was discovered, and suddenly, that which made no sense at all... suddenly made sense.

For me, having reality click back into my head felt sort of like that. I started to realize that a lot of the information I was working with was, well, disinformation to coin a term. The story in my head had been turned upside down just like the sheet music was, and the results were the same. Everything was upside down. My wife who loved me? Turned upside down, she hated me. My job which I was great at? I had no clue how to do that anymore. My kids who needed their Dad? Upside-down, they were just acquaintances or friends even.

The thing is, I had no idea that the sheet music of my life had been turned upside down, none. To me, I could see the notes clearly. I was playing them perfectly. It made zero sense to me as to why other people looking at my music were telling me how the song I was playing was completely wrong. And I got angry and defensive when others pointed out how badly I sounded, in part, because to me, the notes were perfect, I was playing them just as I saw them. I was playing Moonlight Sonata and they were hearing the theme to the Lone Ranger. Looking back now, with the music in my head right-side-up, I can see why everyone was confused. Everyone was telling me I wasn't operating on a full deck. To me, it felt like I was the last sane person and the whole world had gone insane around me.

With the benefit of hindsight, everything makes a LOT more sense now. When I turned the music right-side-up, everything that I had done, felt, everything that had been said to me... it all just started to fall into place. In a weird way, the experience (coming out of the fog) was a little like what I imagine it was like for my wife when she discovered my betrayal. I suddenly realized that I had been duped and lied to (by my own brain). I realized that I was operating on false pretenses, and that all of my thoughts, feelings and actions of the past had been forged on disinformation. With the truth exposed, I had to go through a reckoning, and re-examine every thought, every action, every conversation I had been in for months or longer, and start to weed out what was real from what was not. And THAT's when the empathy starts to come crashing back in like a tidal wave. My wife used to say to me, "I see the REAL YOU now". After the fog left, I saw the real me too. And I understood why she felt the way she did.

I'm telling you this long-winded story because, if what you say is true and that "the click" happened, then you're in for a new ride. Just be aware that she is likely starting to put pieces together as well. Coming out of the fog can be very confusing and disorienting, sort of like learning about what you did while blackout drunk the night before, and it can still take a while to accept that it really was you dancing on those tables, but now you have to accept that truth, and start to find your dignity where none exists. For me, it was also where the shame spiral ended, simply because I was finally able to accept my own responsibility and culpability in what I had done, as well as having empathy for my wife return. I crawled out of shame and into grief and remorse. Those emotions still suck, but they aren't selfish in nature like shame is.

I hope things really have changed for both of you. If this was just a false contraction so to speak, then you'll know soon enough. But if she's ready to birth the new her, then you'll have no choice (and that's a good thing) then to move forward.

I'm curious, with her new point of view in place, are you finding any of your own walls or your own "stories I tell myself" starting to loosen up a bit?

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1269   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8733192

 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 3:26 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm curious, with her new point of view in place, are you finding any of your own walls or your own "stories I tell myself" starting to loosen up a bit?

Excellent question, DaddyDom. The short versions is that yes, I am opening myself up more and being more vulnerable. I'm trying to get my mind in the right place to allow for intimacy.

And, when things pop in that bring me down, I am sharing them MOST of the time. Why not ALL the time, you ask? Because I still need to see more to show me that I can bring the deeper, painful things up & Mrs. Cap won't revert to running away.

But about 5-6 weeks in and she hasn't run back to the old, easy ways. There have been some popping of the head of old things, but they are quickly corrected by her, not me.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3233   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8733224

pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:43 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

How's it going with Mrs C ?

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2325   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734646
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