Hello all. I am a 30f who’s been married to me husband 33m for three years. Together for six years total. In December 2020/January 2021 I had an affair with a coworker. I will not make excuses or lay blame. What I did was wrong and I own it. I could have at any time made the decision to not carry on with the affair but I did it any way.
I know many who cheat will say the AP said and did all the right things and they were tricked into it or something. Yes my AP did all of those things but I knew what we were doing was wrong and I did it any way. It was the worst mistake of my life and I have regretted it ever since.
Dday was mid November of 2021. The guilt of what I had done tortured me for almost a year before in admitted to my husband what I had done. After I ended my affair I had resolved to be the best wife I could be and for most of 2021 I dedicated myself to my husband and our marriage. But the guilt was always there. To the point that I actually was having physical effects. I had shingles from stress and told my husband it was work related stress. He was so thoughtful and supportive about it and I just couldn’t lie to him anymore.
Needless to say he was devastated. He immediately cut me off, wouldn’t speak to me for a week and threw me out of our bedroom and told me to sleep in the guest room. After about a week and a half he finally let me have it and vented all his hurt and anger onto me. I will say he said some hurtful things to me but who can blame him? I told him that I was sorry, so sorry for what I had done and begged him for forgiveness.
We went on like this for a while. Him ignoring me and refused to even look at me. He’d spend his days at work and his evenings in the basement or out on the garage. Around Christmas he told me he wanted me out of the house, which I agreed to. He owned the house before we were even dating so I felt like he had the right to ask me to leave. However because of my dad being sick he agreed to keep up appearances until after the holidays for his sake.
Well on Christmas morning he told me he couldn’t spend the day with me and we’d better just spend it with our respective families. That evening he came home quite drunk and I told him if he was drinking he should have called me to come get him. We ended up having a huge argument and he broke down in tears. It was only the second time I’ve ever seen him cry. He called me a few choice names I won’t repeat. It hurt badly to hear this but I felt like his anger was justified.
We avoided each other for the next week and finally on New Years he told me that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He said on some days he hated me with all his heart and wanted to throw me out of the house. On other days he said he wanted to hug me and tell me that we can work this out.
I was trying to find a place to live all this while but it was very hard because of the current market where we live. He said he didn’t mind if I continued to stay. For the most part he was at least polite with me but that was about it. We talked about both of us getting counseling. I found a therapist but he never did.
My husband told me he’d found my AP’s fiancé on Facebook and was going to message her about what we had done. Which he went ahead and did. The woman contacted him and they spoke, then she contacted me and it was a very unpleasant conversation to say the least.
In February he matter of factory told me he was going to Las Vegas with his brothers for a week. He didn’t tell me this until a day before he left. I asked him if he was going out there to get revenge on me. He told me that he felt like what he did was no longer my business. When he came back he told me he didn’t do anything out there except gamble and go to a concert. He also said he still hasn’t told any of his family what’s going on between us.
My family knows what’s going on because I told my parents and my sisters. My parents are very disappointed in me. My sisters both are trying to be non judgmental but I can tell they don’t understand why I didn’t what I did.
I finally moved in with a friend last month and have been staying with her. My husband and I speak once a week. I’ve asked him about him getting therapy but he keeps telling me that he’s not the one who needs therapy, I am. I’m worried about him. I know that might not seem true but I am worried. I do still love him and I hate to see him hurting,
Now the bombshell from last weekend. I went to pick up a few things from the house and I spoke with my husband. He was avoiding eye contact with me the whole time. My heart sunk because I instinctively knew what had happed so I asked him. He was seeing someone wasn’t he? He admitted that the weekend before he had met up with a woman he knew through his job and they ended up having sex.
It felt like a gut punch. I knew this might happen. I know revenge affairs happen but I thought it wouldn’t happen. He was very upset and he apologized to me repeatedly. I asked him if he was going to see her again and he said no, he said he was so angry with me before but after he left her apartment he just felt sad and alone. I know it is hypocritical of me but I was so hurt by all this I just left and refused to speak to him.
So that’s where we are right now. I was hoping that we might be able to reconcile some day, but now I think it might truly be over. I don’t know if he even wants to reconcile, my own thoughts are all over the place right now. I’m ashamed of myself, and I know it’s hypocritical but I’m also angry at him. He said he was sorry and he did truly seem distraught but it hurt me so badly.
He texted me Thursday night to say he was off this whole weekend and could we talk. I still haven’t responded. I just feel so lost as to how to proceed right now.