SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HI,

I'm struggling at the moment with everything. We have the MIL and FIL living with us as they have both recently had operations. This caused a lot of pre and post op anxiety. I've taken on a new IC and also a new support group for anger management (formal sessions start in February). BS and I have been working well together through this. Although we have had little time for being "us"

I'm personal;y in a bad place at the moment. I struggle with focus on my recovery and getting through the day. I struggle at work and more importantly with doing everything in need to for BS. We have agreed a list of things that need doing on a daily basis and despite wanting to improve myself and save my marriage, I find my self in a vacant state of mind. I miss this simplest of things,both in my attempts at recovery and in everyday life. I forget conversations I had only a few minutes ago. I am paying attention, well I think I am as I'm actively involved.

Does this ring true for anyone else? If so, did you manage to get past it?

I don't think this is a shame spiral. It feels different.

Could it be medical? Memory loss can be caused by a number of issues, including aging, Lyme disease, and long COVID. It can also be stress-related, because it sounds like you and your wife both have a lot on your plates. If your mental vagueness doesn't feel the same as affair-related brain fog, get it checked out as soon as you can.

What methods have you put in place for stress relief? It's not a good idea to just white knuckle it, even temporarily. You can't pour from an empty jug, and the last thing you want is to let stress build into resentment, entitlement, and wayward coping mechanisms. You need to pursue healthy ways to recharge in order to strengthen your boundaries against the unhealthy patterns of the past.

I know it probably sounds like I'm talking fantasy here. I remember going to Weight Watchers when my kids were small, and they said, "When you feel like stress eating, take a walk, read a book, have a long bath, or call a friend." I snorted. I couldn't remember when I'd last had time to do any of those things. For six years, from when my oldest was born until my youngest started nursery school, I was on constant duty for almost every hour the kids were awake. If I got free time, I stole it from when I should have been sleeping.

But honestly, I should have stood up and said that recuperation time wasn't optional. I would have been a better parent and spouse if I acknowledged that it was a necessity and not a luxury. You and your wife need respite from work and care duties, even in the short term. If you don't refuel in order to tend your marriage, then things can go badly wrong in very short order.

BSR, I don’t think it is medical.

I’m working with various groups and counsellors. One I had not mentioned is a mental health and well-being group. I’ve not had any sessions with them yet, I’m awaiting a place to come up as this is sponsored by our health service.

I am also looking into meditation and mindfulness

Hi Bulcy,

I can relate to the fogginess. The lack of rest, lack of sleep and lack of personal space may be putting you into a situational depression. Please consider what BSR said above about self care.

Doing something for yourself doesnt have to be done just by yourself. If it would ease your concerns over caring for your wife, getting out for a walk with her for an hour- even if its just Costco- can be a help.

Cooking too becomes a relief outlet for myself. It gets me focused on the here and now, consumes my senses and forces me to focus on what I am doing. Then I have the added benefit of eating what I have made. This should probably be done with a new stirfry or soup recipie though... cupckaes end up being stress eaten in my house

Hang in there! Its a new routine for everyone, I hope you can adjust gracefully.

Hi. This has happened to me, too, when I was recovering. From my own experience, I'd say there's nothing wrong with you. When you're overwhelmed with too many things in your life, your brain can sometimes fail at compartmentalizing it all.

I know when my BH and I were going through a very stressful period, I'd often forget things we recently talked about.

It's just too much stress. I'd highly advise you look into getting some help dealing with it. This can turn pretty bad overtime.

Another thing that would happen to me in the early days is that I would start falling asleep in the middle of intense and stressful conversations. I don't think it was actual exhaustion, although I wasn't faking it, either. It was an involuntarily avoidant reaction to severe stress. I tried caffeinating to prevent it, but that just made me more anxious and wired at a time when I needed to be calm.

Another thing that would happen to me in the early days is that I would start falling asleep in the middle of intense and stressful conversations. I don't think it was actual exhaustion, although I wasn't faking it, either. It was an involuntarily avoidant reaction to severe stress. I tried caffeinating to prevent it, but that just made me more anxious and wired at a time when I needed to be calm.

Yeah, I get this a lot. Mostly when discussing the affairs, but while working sometimes if things are particularly busy.

I have a rearranged IC session tonight. Will bring these points up

Thanks

Cooking too becomes a relief outlet for myself. It gets me focused on the here and now, consumes my senses and forces me to focus on what I am doing. Then I have the added benefit of eating what I have made. This should probably be done with a new stirfry or soup recipie though... cupckaes end up being stress eaten in my house laugh

Interesting you say this, I have just started cooking meals again. By this I mean from raw ingredients not just putting something in an oven. I really enjoy it. I've not baked a cake in a long time. We've had a shit ton of take away recently and it's not helping with anything.

I'm/We're permanently exhausted at the moment. The sad thing is even replying to you guys on here or to contacts via e-mail is a struggle!!

It's just too much stress. I'd highly advise you look into getting some help dealing with it. This can turn pretty bad overtime.

I'm hoping for help with this tonight. Also from the support group I signed up to once they have a space available

Hang in there. We've been through it and come out the other side, and you can lean on us.