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Wayward Side :
New year, new me?

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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 6:56 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

So, BH and I were discussing what we wanted in 2022. The major things like trips, home renovations, etc that we wanted to accomplish.

It got me thinking more about the person I wanted to be. In our MC the topic of gratitude and validation came up. It is something BH has to try very hard to be conscious of- the need for others to hear good things about themselves from him. For me, it's something that comes more naturally. Validation, appreciation, just a sense of being seen for my contributions is a huge part of my love language. Since that's important to me, it's something I am more willing to give to others, as that's a core part of who I am.

Which got me thinking: what are the core aspects of who I am anymore?

The affair really made me hit rock bottom. I had to confront that there were many dark things in my character and psyche that needed to be corrected and healed. I have had to break out of my "identifying with my pain and shame" and get out of the "victim" mentality I used to justify my A. It's SO HARD TO DO. As evidenced by my recent crawled-under-a-rock-and-hope-to-die shame spiral post. So now I have to rebuild myself from the ground up in a positive manner. It's not enough for me to stop the negative self-talk. I have to fill it with something new and positive.

SO, who wants to join me this year in discussing the core positive areas of our character we would like to rebuild? Anyone up for some accountability partnerships in this? I tried the losing weight thing, but then me and my friend were depressed about COVID and just gave up laugh . Hopefully this will be more successful.

I'll start:

What are 3 main positive traits in your personality/character you would like to emphasize this year?

1. Generosity of spirit.
-I tend to be compassionate and understanding of others who struggle with their mental well being. Since I make many mistakes myself, I can more easily relate to those who do as well. This leads me to be less judgmental of others.
-HOWEVER, I have had a tough time applying this to BH in the past as his mistakes were frequently impacting ME. I had a hard time finding empathy for him as he was hurting me and then blaming me for being hurt. His lack of empathy and self awareness curdled my generosity of spirit.
-This year, I need to keep extending that same generosity of spirit toward my BH.

2. Honesty and accountability.
-I am good at being honest and accountable in my career life. My job rests on me giving honest answers about whether or not design choices are good for the safety of passengers, good for the health of the program commercially or even realistic for the ability of our suppliers to manufacture the parts. This means I often have to speak uncomfortable truths, face pushback and those who would rather inconvenience others than own up to their poor choices or lack of oversight. This makes me unpopular from time to time, but in the end, I'm usually right. laugh
-HOWEVER, I have a difficult time applying this in my family life. It's often difficult or inconvenient for me to own my personal failings to those closest to me whom I am accountable to. My personal failings and difficulties stir up a lot of shame within me. This tempts me to hide (like not telling about speeding tickets in the past or maybe I don't know, MY AFFAIR) or to gaslight and DARVO.
-This year, I intend to work on finding the courage to be completely honest about my failings or actual needs and wants is something critical to my recovery from my affair.

3. Good work ethic
-I am good at tackling complex problems and bringing a lot of energy to them to resolve them. I can do this at work, with house projects and even volunteer things around the school/church.
-HOWEVER, I struggle to apply this to my personal life. Shame, again, and lack of concrete reward hold me back. With shame, soon as I procrastinate on a promise, fall off the wagon (and get another speeding ticket AGAIN) or in general have a bad day, I beat myself up. Then I get ashamed. Then I give up. Also, in a relationship, I can do everything "right" and still not get a commensurate "reward." There's no concrete evidence that doing the right thing has resulted in a positive reward. I get paid well for my work. The school gets money when we run a fundraiser, my friends enjoy a well cooked meal at my house when we entertain, my garden and home are more beautiful after I complete a project.
-This year, I intend to put the same amount (if not more) effort into my marriage as I do my work.

posts: 295   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8707985
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

What are 3 main positive traits in your personality/character you would like to emphasize this year?

I'll play along. Fun to think about. Mine haven't changed much but here goes.

1 - Keep Fucking Going - that is independent of infidelity [BS or WS]. The past 2 years have been hard. Things changing so fast I can't keep up. The world is on a roller coaster and it has no signs of stopping. So it hard at times to just not mentally give up. I remind myself to keep fucking going.

2 - Play the Long Game - again independent of infidelity [BS or WS]. Keep in mind that life is the journey not the destination. What may suck now could be amazing in a few weeks. Keeping my mind focused on the long game of life keeps me from getting stuck in the muck of now. Snowy and Icy in the Land of Chaos - download that countdown app for your vacation and put a beach themed back ground on it. Big project at work bogging you down - schedule a pedicure for at the end of it.

3 - Realize Self Care is not Selfish - I've gotten much better at this over the years. But the reality is, my laundry can wait. My dust can wait. Hungry people in the Land of Chaos also know how to cook. But it took me a long time to realize you can't pour from an empty cup - and you can't keep using your last precious drops to momentarily hydrate someone else long term. Take the long bath, use the decadent lotion, wear your good undies under your PJs, deep condition your hair, burn the candle. You are your own special occasion. And that is liberating. Mentally liberating.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8708276
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Thanks Chaos.

Keep Fucking Going. Should be the next poster- "Keep Calm and Keep Fucking Going." Good one:).

The long game and self care isn't selfish are huge lessons I've had to learn. I'm a lot less busy impressing other people and it's been a bit of a relief.

Wishing you a good year!

posts: 295   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8708406
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