Thanks for taking time to respond to my thread. I really appreciate the insights.
The loyalty part is awesome. However, with my xbf he was beyond loyal. To people that didn't always deserve it. It creates a feeling of safety though. And this was definitely a plus.
-If left to his own devices, he would happily keep doing whichever activity has captured his interest and skip meals.
This is interesting. It drove me mad that he would forget to eat all day, then when we were together would whine about it like a child. About being hungry. It was like he had no planning skills and no self care skills. I see that it may have been just his interests taking over. Then he would gain weight. And what I found odd was that for someone so smart, he couldn't piece together that NOT eating made him fat. Because he would put his body into starving mode. Is that common? So smart yet doesn't get basic things? Especially self care things?
Son can be quite literal, and quite honest, This. The literal part felt like he was being argumentative. He would often pick a word when I was trying to explain things and say: what does that mean? And it was so obvious what the word meant. He would seem to complicate things. He said for any given question, he had many answers so he would have to go into his mind and pluck out the best response. He liked watching the Good Doctor (about a genius aspie doctor) and I had by that time suspected he could relate to the show. I got exhausted with this. It was super apparent if I was arguing or it seemed like I was arguing. Sometimes it was just when we were talking. I got to the point where I wouldn't even talk sometimes because the effort wasn't worth it. It made me feel further and further away. Like we had lost our connection that seemed so strong in the beginning.
He personalizes things. Anything done that is hurtful, whether amd honest mistake or accident, his first reaction is to personalize it.
. Oh this part! Yes...when we would go out (we both can't wear masks so going out was harsh in our locked down city of 2 years)he would say things like...did you see how they were looking at me? He would think people were giving him dirty looks. I never noticed. Can't tell with a half hidden face yet this was his interpretation of it. He always had such a victim attitude. When I brought it to his attention, he said, no, I'm just commenting and making an observation. He would say I was attaching a story to it, he wasn't.
His emotions get very large very quickly.
This is very interesting. My bf had studied myers briggs and he's an intp. Which means he doesn't process through feelings. He's a thinker. So the thing that bothered me was he would say things like are you having some big feelings right now? (I would say, they are just feelings. Not big feelings). But to him, he was so terrified of feelings (his ex was a screamer with lots of feelings). I tossed it up to the fact that he had been traumatized by her and also that he just wasn't much of a feeler. I see now that he can't handle feelings. The weird thing is this...I was AGAIN! confused about the actions. Because like you say above, the emotions can get very large very quickly. If we had an argument, he would escalate it. I would have to keep things calm and myself calm which I couldn't really do well. Nor was it my responsibility. So he would SAY that he doesn't have feelings around things, but in those moments of being activated, he definitely had feelings quickly and they would escalate. He was very conflict adverse and this made it super difficult to have a relationship.
What about asking questions? Do aspies avoid personal questions or questions overall? It drove me nuts that he wouldn't ask me questions. He would say it was a respect thing and he felt asking questions was too personal. He didn't' like being asked questions especially regarding what he did for work because he had't lived up to his potential. I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on this.
Its been a struggle teaching him healthy ways of discussing hurt and pain without going on the attack. Its exhausting sometimes... Yes...I would tell my ex that he needed to speak in the "I" instead of "you". He had a hard time using the word "I" overall. He would even talk about himself in the third person many times (referring to himself as an intp)It's like he can't do intimacy on any level.
All of this to say that, yep, sounds like your exbf could have been on the high functioning end of the spectrum. As a friend, he will likely continue to take an interest in your well being. You are just going to have to keep reminding him you are there though. Oh...so sad for me. I'm glad you mentioned this because it feels so unavailable. It was like this in our relationship. I did feel I had to remind him he had a girlfriend.And he also had to remind himself! This makes sense now. It's like things just didn't occur to him. Like that he needed to keep in touch or initiate things. It also brought up my abandonment things on some level. But mostly my initial attraction subconsciously to emotionally unavailable men. No more of that!
If there is anything else that would be helpful, I'd love to hear it. Thanks for taking the time to teach me about this. It helps me process that it wasn't my fault...I felt like I tried hard. And now I'll take some time off to get my energy back from what turned out to be a draining relationship at the end. Lots of good stuff came out of it to be sure. But not at the end when I realized that I couldn't do this anymore.