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Wayward Side :
Please Help

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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 5:23 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

Oh, never expect him to trust you again or give you "privacy."

As someone whose wife demanded both, she got one. She has her privacy. There is no trust as a result.

If you demand privacy, there will never be any trust. If you EARN trust, the privacy may, one day, return.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3088   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8704940
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:04 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

If you demand privacy, there will never be any trust. If you EARN trust, the privacy may, one day, return.

Agreed. I'll add that if you do the work, and if you actually do love your BS, then privacy (from them) is honestly not something you'll need or desire anyway. At least, not in regard to the relationship or things that could threaten it.

If I am having a rough bowel movement in the bathroom, I feel it's reasonable to ask for privacy from my spouse so that I can stink up the bathroom with a little dignity left intact. That kind of privacy doesn't threaten the marriage and it doesn't shut my spouse out of my life or my thoughts. It is asking for privacy out of respect, not out of fear or deception.

If my wife asked to borrow my phone and I replied, "Uh, no, I'm not comfortable with you seeing my private emails and conversations" then that's a problem. There shouldn't be anything so private going on in my life that my wife cannot see it or ask about it.

To be honest, questions such as, "Will I ever win a fight again? Will I be blamed forever? Will I ever be trusted again?' and so on, are still VERY self-focused/non-empathetic patterns of thinking. In the WS's mind, it may seem as if you are simply, "Protecting your own best interests", but well, that's the point. The affair was a complete obliteration of your spouse's best interests while the WS got their "needs" fulfilled. I often use the example of someone punching you in the face and then asking you to feel sorry for them because they hurt their hand while punching you. I'm not saying it's not okay for them to want to take care of their own injuries. But it IS unreasonable, and disrespectful, to ask your victim to worry about the consequences you brought upon yourself, and which are, quite frankly, deserved.

The loss of trust is not a punishment, it is a consequence. When your brain tries to tell you otherwise... correct it.

If you need privacy from your spouse, ask yourself why they can't see whatever it is that is worrying you, and then ask yourself why this exists in your life, and then remove it.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1190   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8704951
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 10:43 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

To be honest, questions such as, "Will I ever win a fight again? Will I be blamed forever? Will I ever be trusted again?' and so on, are still VERY self-focused/non-empathetic patterns of thinking.

I think they're natural questions. If a BS knew for certain that they would be lied to and cheated on again, that would make them far less likely to pursue R. Why wouldn't a WS, even a remorseful one, have reservations about pouring themselves into a marriage where they will never again be seen as worthy of love and respect? If they knew that would be their permanent status, no matter how hard they work to change, they might well decide that it's healthier for both spouses to move on.

Unfortunately, reconciling BS and WS will live with some measure of uncertainty for the rest of their lives. At first, it's dramatic; over time, if the work is authentic, both may slowly rebuild trust that they are in it for the long haul. It takes courage and a belief that there's at least a chance of light at the end of the tunnel.

That's a little different from what you asked, though, Badwife. Your BH is still working through the immediate aftermath of trickle truth D-Days. It's not reasonable for a WS to demand kind treatment or promises of R at this stage. If harsh words and an unpredictable temper seem unfair this early on, then you may need to readjust your expectations.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8704971
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:16 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Badwife79

I suggest you print out the two posts - DaddyDom and BraveSirRobin and reread till you have them memorized and/or fully assimilated the ideas into your reasoning for how you are thinking.


FYI - wife used her "privacy" to conduct her affair - and a consequence is trust is not 100% given now.

That is to say - her thinking still has some indications that what, when, how she does things are not viewed in the light of how the things she does (or doesn't) relate to being a safe spouse.

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8704979
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