SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's getting easier. We're nearly 3 years out and our marriage is better than it ever was - not that it was particularly bad. FWH has moved mountains for us...and me too. Neither of us is perfect, but we're imperfectly trying hard for each other. I'm good with that. Counselor fired us and said ya'll are good. Triggers are down to maybe once a month or every other month. I'm no longer wanting to shout to the mountaintops of how evil OW is. I'm sure she'll f-up whatever new relationships come her way all on her own without any help from me. But, it is affair season....and celebrating the good things we now have together takes a lot sometimes. FWH and I have made some incredible new memories in recovery. We have SO many better skills. I can honestly say that I am grateful for our marriage now, but certainly not the enormous pain that brought us here. I'm grateful that we've both tried so hard and can reap the benefits of that.

I know this is petty.....but I ran into her again today. Unfortunately, this usually happens at the gym locker room. Usually while, one or the other of us is undressed or otherwise vulnerable. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of changing gyms or sports. I did nothing wrong. It IS getting easier when these things happen to remember that I won. She wasn't all that enough to break up our marriage. She wasn't all that enough to keep her own marriage. Or a few of the recent boy toys I know that she's dated. It is just that when we do run into each other....she looks at me like I'M the one who pissed in her cornflakes and not the other way around. There is a part of me that wishes she would find it a little more obviously uncomfortable or embarrassing to run into me. What I get is angry stares. I KNOW that shouldn't bother me, but a little contrition seems appropriate. I know my brain is trying to still keep me safe....but she has too much rent free space in my head. I want benign indifference....to rise above all this.....when does that magically happen?

Are there any recovered FW's out there who were part of a double betrayal? It might help me to hear what might be going through the mind of someone who has been there. PM me if you don't want to make that public. I just wish I could understand why she seems mad at me. I don't care that she might be....that's her problem. Never having been a wayward, I just want to understand why I could possibly be her villain after all this time...or maybe, likely, I'm overthinking this as I imagine most BS's do.

WW here.

She's likely feeling pissed that you keep reminding her she has something of which to be ashamed. Also that she knows deep down that she's less than... just about everyone.

Keep showing up, it's pissing in her cornflakes just to see you!

LBM, I remember your story and I’m glad your FWH and you are doing well. I also remember OBS and AP’s story, and I’m so happy to hear he finally D that horrible woman. If you want insight into why she behaves the way she does toward you consider reading OBSs threads. She is a highly entitled person, and you did not permit her to have what she wanted when she wanted it (gasp!). Plus, when the shit hit the fan your FWH chose you over her! (Insert surprised Pikachu face here) That has to really burn her ass because she’s sooo incredible, right?

That said, her behavior toward you pales in comparison to how she treated her BS. Simply put, to betray someone and then try to screw them financially is a whole other level of shitty behavior. Be glad all you get is dirty looks, maybe practice some of your own on her?

As an aside, as a man I can’t even imagine this happening. If some idiot had an A with my wife and then gave me dirty looks afterward… let’s just say it would probably escalate very quickly from there. I know, I know, men are from Mars… Anyway, good job keeping your cool.

MIgander-I'm a little concerned at how much I like the idea that it reminds her of something that she should be ashamed....but knowing her.....I'd probably go with Sanibelredfish's assessment of her sense of entitlement. I know that the OBS is doing really well. And, that she's well high earner and being sued for nonpayment of child support....because she doesn't think OBS should be getting it. (OBS and I have chatted a couple of times in the last 3 years).
And the visual of the Pikachu shocked face makes me smile:). K...some people are just a-holes and may always be.
Good talk;)

I remember yours and the OBS's story quite well. He seemed to be a fundamentally decent person who had sacrificed his own career to his WW's job. She gaslit him for a long time before it all fell apart.

I do hope he has found work again and is the primary caregiver for his children. More importantly I hope he has found peace and happiness in midst of this all.

It's also good to know that you have reclaimed your life again. She is probably pissed that your former WH didn't pick her over you. She is never going to find happiness in her life.

She's an entitled narcissist who is accustomed to running the show.

She calls the shots.

She gives the orders.

She's the star in a high drama environment.

And she is never at fault.

She is never, ever wrong.

Count on that.

I've worked with people like her, in similar if not identical situations.

I remember your story.

You are about 6 months behind my timeline: your 3 years to my 3.5 years.

She was (and is) sure that she deserved your life, and she was equally sure that she was going to have it. After all, the math worked in her favor.

She is what? twenty years younger than you? what man wouldn't choose a woman twenty years younger?

And obviously she and your husband were meant for each other: hard driving, ambitious, competitive, educated professionals who know what they want and take what they want. No namby pamby house husband bullshit for them. If they joined forces and incomes they. could. have. it. all. Former House Husband could continue to shoulder the bulk and the brunt of child care, you'd do whatever the hell it is that you do all day, who knows? who cares? as long as you keep your son out of her hair, and she and your husband, now her husband, would have an exciting Type A Life.

She really did think it would be just that easy.

No, I'm serious- she really did.

If I have her profession pegged, or even close enough-

Let's put it this way:

A small army of dedicated people, beyond her husband, likely a HUGE investment by her parents and years of self sacrifice on their parts, and likely a huge sacrifice of time, attention and resources on the parts of any siblings she had, plus a large battalion of support staff in her educational and work environments, all of these people and their blood, sweat and tears went in to making her who she is, and that continues to this day. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes an army to make a 5 star general. Trust me on this.

And...

Because...

She's Worth It.

Obvs, no?

The point is:

She is very, very accustomed to believing that she is more worthy, of all of this investment. She is more worthy of everything.

Including your husband and your very life. ​

She did not even recognize the bond that you and your husband share, built on shared experience, shared work, shared sacrifice, shared failure and shared success. She did not recognize it because she has no experience with it.

She doesn't share. She doesn't contribute. She achieves. And she receives.

She didn't anticipate that your husband would have any loyalty or fealty other than to her. Why would he?

She didn't even see the quiet strength and competence of her own husband- and she was living with him. I won't say that she had a family with him or was raising children with him, because I strongly suspect he was doing all of that by himself.

Instead of robbing you of your very life,

she blew up her own.

Believe me when I tell you:

She is absolutely stuck in a mental place where to her,

this is just not fair.

It makes no sense.

No sense at all.

And she's pissed about it.

She's pissed as hell.

Ok. I'm going to postulate A Thing here.

I may be totally wrong.

At any rate, I do not mean to cause you pain.

But it is possible...

Your husband got to know this woman in ways that you did not, will not- and I'm not talking about the banal side of things.

I'm talking, he got to see her posturing and her maneuvering and manipulations and entitlements in ways in which you, believe it or not after all this, did not have a front row seat.

Can you imagine your husband trying to explain to her that they were over?

That he wasn't going to toss his life with you, and with your son, in the dumpster for a life with her?

By that point, he either realized that he was dealing with a hardcore narcissist, and in an effort not to trigger God knows what reaction out of her, perhaps he gave it the old "If only..."

... which leaves her thinking of you as nothing more than an inconvenient, and totally unjust, obstacle to her happiness.

NOT saying that your husband *actually* feels that "If only..." but if you've ever had to let someone down easy to avoid unpleasantness, imagine that on nuclear steroids.

Or, he told her flat out:

"I made a stupidly bad and selfish decision and I need to make it right and pray like hell that I can salvage my life. I love my wife and I love my son and I'm going home to my family."

Which she heard as,

"BLAH BLAH BLAH YADDA YADDA YADDA" and WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M NOT GETTING MY WAY??? and... that's about it. That's about what she heard.

Ditto you are an inconvenient and unjust obstacle to her happiness.

If she really loved your husband, she would desire his happiness and she would want him to make healthy, productive, positive choices.

She doesn't love your husband.

She doesn't love her husband.

She loves herself.

NOW.

I'm going to offer some truly contrary advice here.

Switch gyms.

Move, if you have to.

I'm serious.

Get your entire damned life out of her field of vision and out of her path.

Narcissists are deluded, and they are assholes. Narcissists are deluded assholes.

You and your family do not need ongoing exposure to a deluded asshole.

Look, you don't need to keep showing up at the gym, or around town, to 'prove' that you've 'won.'

You've won.

It's in the record books. Forever. Never gonna change.

Even if your husband had a complete mental meltdown and ran back into her waiting arms tomorrow, you know what? You've still won. This is a forever win.

You've won because you put your foot down to your temporarily discombobulated husband, and to this entitled narcissist, and said, "NO. NO, YOU DO NOT DESTROY MY BOUNDARIES. NO, YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT ME. NO, YOU DO NOT DEVALUE ME, AND ALL THE HARD WORK I'VE PUT INTO THIS LIFE AND THIS MARRIAGE. NO, YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT AND DEVALUE MY SON."

And you meant it.

And you made it stick.

And, God forbid, I sincerely hope not (and it sounds unlikely from your description) you'll do it again tomorrow if you must.

You know that.

Your husband knows that.

Miss Thing's stink eye?

She's not accepting it.

She still, evidently, thinks she can 'take' you.

She's challenging you.

Honestly, given everything that's gone down, in her own life even, pardon me, but that's fucking irrational.

It's a giant red flag.

I find it concerning.

You can't fix narcissism.

You can't out smart it, you can't reason with it, you can't stare it down, and honestly, you damned sure can't ignore it.

You are here posting about it because your gut is telling you, this is a problem.

Get out of this woman's line of sight and give her the opportunity to redirect her attention.

Also, honestly-

Your own life is worth more than this.

You don't have to 'prove' that you 'won't give her the satisfaction.'

You don't have to prove anything to her.

What you do need to do is get you, your husband and your kid out of the path of what appears to be an unhealthy person.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT KNOW *ANY* OF THESE PEOPLE. MY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS ARE PURELY SPECULATIVE. I'm just another yahoo on the internets. I KNOW NOTHING. :)

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 7:48 AM, Friday, December 10th]

marriageredux959 - YOU.NAILED.IT....and her. It was something that FWH said that stuck with me shortly after DDay in reading your response. She was enormously selfish with him. She never asked him about his day. Granted....he still was there in an affair. And, yes 15 years younger mate poaching.
It was all about her and how horrible her marriage was and how OBS was holding her back. She sent f-ing drawings about how OBS was an anchor around her neck to my FWH. Granted....FWH could have said that just to make me feel better given where we were then.....but time and his efforts during that time line up.

Unfortunately, moving isn't an option. And, keeping your post in mind.....I think I'll just stay at this gym to make her little brain spin at the "injustice" of her life. Plus, if it's not the gym, it is the supermarket. Or, restaurants, etc. It is a small town. We can't do our work from anywhere else without starting over. I'm not ready to start over at 53. Yes, lots of red flags there. I know she is electronically been checking up on me.....I can't control that. She may be a bunny boiler, but-thankfully - not willing to jeopardize her life to act on the stink eye attitude. I'm an inconvenient truth. She's an a--hole.

I can tell you all OBS seems to be doing very, very well since the divorce. I know he's in a much happier place and dating someone who appreciates him for the genuinely nice person that he is. I wish I could say the same for their kiddos. They are certainly struggling.