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Newest Member: InkHulk

Just Found Out :
Online affair

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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:35 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2022

It sounds like there was no other way out of infidelity - this was your only possible path given his actions. I am sorry he did not step up and do the work to try to fix himself. But you know, victims get comfortable being victims. They almost like it. The same crappy coping tools he used his whole life are the same ones he is using now.

This won’t sound or feel good, but at least he didn’t drag you through an extended false R. As bad as this is, hopefully he will be non-confrontational and non-aggressive as you D. Please look after you and be sure to think about the long game— look at the division of assets with your long term future in mind. Take care of you and settle for nothing less than what you are entitled to and in the way most advantageous for you long term (eg maybe you want to give up less of your 401k but let him have the car )…. This is a strategic business decision and you need to do your best to leave emotion out. He can figure out his own future— that is his choice.

You;ve been a rock star throughout— you are doing great. Keep taking care of you and know that you will have such a different perspective in a year or two. You got this.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4788   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8739865
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:30 AM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

I wonder why he is such a coward.

I’d be curious to understand that part.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8739910
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 Devasated63 (original poster new member #79637) posted at 8:16 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

The first wife:
I am trying to understand that part myself. If he really didn’t want D one would think he would be doing everything possible to try and reconcile. You made an interesting comment in previous post that maybe he is in love with the AP. Even though it was all online supposedly, and she is a paid "mistress" maybe he is just that delusional or in love with the idea of someone else or someone that will call him " my king". But he just won’t speak about any of this in any detail so I have no idea what is in his head and I probably never will.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8740013
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:54 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Has he always been conflict avoidant or is he just one of those guys who can't bear any criticism at all?

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5639   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740046
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 Devasated63 (original poster new member #79637) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

CT he has never been good at conflict and has always tried to avoid it and when it happens and he can’t avoid it his answer is generally to completely blow up and lose it. The inability to tolerate or accept any criticism at all for anything started a couple years ago.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8740051
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:04 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

D63

I’m sorry you are having to add this frustration to your life, on top of the affair trauma.

It’s possible he knows this whole thing sounds crazy and ludicrous, but he’s so addicted to the affair he can’t or won’t stop.

So it is easier to just not talk about it acknowledge it to you b/c he knows it’s ridiculous.

Even if the above is true, I don’t know what you should go about it.

From my experience I can tell you if he doesn’t have consequences it will make it easier to cheat again or even further hide the current affair.

I just don’t know what your options are at this time.

D seems like the only solution to get yourself out of this nightmare. Sorry to say.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740053
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