Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Im lost...

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 lostsoul17 (original poster new member #79623) posted at 10:37 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I have recently in the last few months discovered that my partner of 18 years has been seeing prostitutes for the last 2 years. About 20. I first found out by accident and then lost my mind sifting though our phone records and grilling him about it until he confessed the truth. It had already stopped a few months before I found out and he says he loves me and that it was the biggest mistake of his life and it got out of control.

I have felt we have been more like friends the last few years. He is my best friend. He is very upset and remorseful and has given he access to all his social media, phone and bills etc to prove to me its not happening anymore.

It keeps hitting me in waves and i feel like im losing my mind. I cant stop asking him for details and im driving myself and him crazy.

I feel stupid for still loving him and as much as i dont want to lose him, I just cannot get the thought of what he has done out of my mind.

I just really want someone who has gone through something similar to talk to. I am a mess right now and I just dont know what to do.

LostSoul17

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8699856
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Lostsoul

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Help is on the way here. First things first, this was not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do caused this. This is about his issues, not the relationship. Someone who visits 20 prostitutes very likely has a sexual addiction. Second, you are experiencing trauma. You need to educate yourself about what trauma does to you mentally and physically. Drink plenty of water, exercise (walking is fine), eat and if you can't sleep ask you Dr. for some temporary help with that. You need rest to think clearly. You may need to find an individual counselor to help you through this. Find one who specializes in trauma. Avoid couples counseling. Your relationship didn't cheat, he did.

In the mean time, start with the Healing Library just below the upper title bar. Start with the articles, read some of the stories on here and move to the recommended reading list. Audio books are very helpful. You can find many of them on Scribd. First month is free and only $10/mo thereafter with no limit to the number of titles.

Some good advice will arrive shortly from the very experienced. Peace to you.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 12:18 AM, Wednesday, November 24th]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8699882
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:33 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

You both should get an STD test as soon as possible.
No one could have accidentally slept with 20 prostitutes. These are choices, not mistakes.

it got out of control.

How is that possible, especially with prostitutes? Did they start paying him to sleep with him? He is the one who called and paid them. So, everything was under his control.
And how can you be sure that it had stopped?

He is very upset and remorseful and has given he access to all his social media, phone and bills etc to prove to me its not happening anymore.

I don't think these are very reassuring, considering that his infidelity was in the way he slept with prostitutes.

posts: 564   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8699893
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:38 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Like the flight attendants say. Put your oxygen mask on first.

You need to practice some self care.
1. See your dr. Get tested for STDs. Get some meds to quiet your mind and allow you to sleep if you aren't. Fight flight mode in the early days is common.

2. See an attorney or 2 learn your rights to walk away and how to protect yourself financially and legally if you stay. Especially if you have kids.

3. Educate yourself about both infidelity and addiction. Understand that your man is extremely broken and YOU Can NOT fix him. He has to do that. Addiction is a nasty thing that creates tons of dishonesty, shame, and obsessive behaviors.

4. Figure out of and why you want to stay. What your deal breakers are and lay down the law with him.

Lastly do NOT have unprotected sex with him. He engaged and may still he engaged in high risk behaviors. You have to make YOU and your well being your number one priority.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19030   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8699901
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:20 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

A mistake is forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk at the store. He made thousands of conscious decisions to be unfaithful.

Try to get individual counseling (IC) with a betrayal trauma specialist, if you can. He needs IC, too.

Keep posting. You'll get lots of advice. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 698   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8699908
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 6:04 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Hi @lostsoul17 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. I've also had to deal with this pain in my marriage.
The emotions you're going through are normal and you're not stupid for loving him despite what has happened because it's hard to turn off love like a tap.

It's good that he's remorseful which means he's ready to work on himself because this is really important for you as well as for him. I think time will tell if he is really sincere and remorseful.

The reality is that we all make mistakes but what has happened is really more than a one off mistake. From my own experience, I think your partner will benefit from individual counseling to address why he would need to engage with prostitutes and so many as well. It's really important to have this discussion with him and see what his reaction is because he should be willing to go for it and not be made to go as this will show he his willing to do all he can to rebuild the broken trust. He should be willing to answer as many questions as you have without complaining, he owes you that much.

I suggest you don't try and navigate this situation by yourself, you also will benefit from IC to help you process what you have found out and the best way forward. Try and be gentle with yourself and know that some days will be okay and and some days will be not okay at all but I pray you will come out stronger at the end of this tunnel.
Do you have a family member or friend you trust that you can talk to because you will need some support as you navigate this phase in your life

Despite what has happened, I want to encourage you to remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted. Stay strong dear friend!

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8700170
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