I have always been a liar - at least.. I was.
I used to lie about shit that didn't even matter - my parents would ask me about something benign like "Did you do xyz?", and I would know what they wanted to hear and gamble on them not verifying and tell a lie "Yeah of course I did!".
I would tell lies to embellish my accomplishments or make my life seem more interesting than it actually was because I can't - or couldn't just be average and sometimes people would catch me in them and I would lie to cover up the previous lie.
In my relationship I would tell lies to myself that "its okay to talk to this girl, as long as nothing sexual happens it's not cheating" and these lies would enable me to begin denying the truth to my BS when the evidence had mounted against me. I would be confronted with this and her justified anger would rain down on me, and I would start to lie (because it had worked so well before, right?). Too ashamed and too prideful to face the ugly truth that I had been an abuser, a liar, a cheater, and a bad partner I would just say whatever I could to pacify the situation. I would refuse to talk about my actions or I would become angry and turn the tables to distract from the issue at hand.
Eventually I had woken up to the real nature of my behavior and stopped the cheating, but I didn't stop the lying. I don't know why I decided it was finally time to come clean. A friend of mine said to me that "the best and worst thing that happened to you through this is that you gained a conscience.", and I think that is pretty profound.
Sure, I may never be able to reconcile with my BS and maybe she will decide that Infidelity is always a deal breaker for her, and that's okay.
The only thing that matters now is that I don't have to lie anymore. I don't have to do all of those things to cover my tracks or make myself seem more interesting, or accomplished, or cool. I'd rather be honest, courageous, and honorable and that's pretty cool.
Thanks for posting this FD. I have been struggling with my own issues regarding honesty and I get pretty emotional about it so it's really validating to know that someone else is in the same hypothetical boat as I am.
Im proud of you for always striving to do the right thing!