I haven't been here in a while. I keep thinking I'm moving on. That nothing else he does will surprise me or hurt me anymore. But, man. It still hurts so much. Here I am 2 years after his walking out on me and 1 year out from finding out about his affairs, and it still hurts. It hurts like screaming in the middle of the night and feeling like your heart has been ripped from your chest and the only thing that could make anything better is dying.
Right now, I am sitting with my special needs son in the hospital, while he rests on a vent from Covid pneumonia. And my STBXH still has time to tell me again that he's done everything in the world to try to make things right. That I'm not the angel I pretend to be. That he's tired of 2 years of trying to fix a one sided relationship. That I'm so angry that I wrongly believe that just because he cheated on me doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. That he loves me but he doesn't like me and he can't stand living with me and he's finally accepted that he'll be much happier moving on without me. That he's repented and made things right and that I'm the one with the forgiveness issues.
And I know that he's crazy. I know he's a narcissist. I know that he's done nothing at all to help us heal. He hasn't fully confessed. He hasn't stopped doing drugs. He hasn't stopped going to strip clubs. He hasn't stopped sleeping around. He hasn't stopped being ugly and cruel and harsh. He's trying to take the kids from me in the divorce. He's hiding funds and lying about his income. He's telling the kids that they are going to lose their home because their mom won't forgive him. He has never once asked me to forgive him. He has never once stopped blaming me for "my part" of the relationship. I was controlling, so that excuses him sleeping around. And I STILL LOVE HIM. What is so wrong with me? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I keep hoping that somewhere, down deep, the man I spent the last 20 years of my life with love me? Surely no one can be this cruel. How could he possibly have 8 kids with me and go through everything we've gone through and then be happy to see me homeless and lose my kids? No one is that awful, are they?
I'm in counseling. I have a strong support group. I have a very loving and supportive family. And yet...I can't seem to get past this. I can't believe who is he. He says one half way decent thing and I'm hoping that he really cares and then he turns around and kicks me in the teeth again and laughs. It's like I keep finding out who he really is, again and again. And it hurts the same every time.
We've had to communicate more this last week because our son is sick and we've been switching on and off in the hospital. He's been sending me jokes and chit chatting and being nice. And I fell for it again. And then he unloads a ton of blame on me. I was the one who filed for divorce. Sure, because he refused to stop any of the behavior which led to his sleeping around. I stopped going to counseling with him. Yup, because they would sit there and have me be vulnerable and open and he would tell me how it was all really my fault and I would leave sobbing and he would text me about how much he loved the session, how much he enjoyed it. I stopped meeting together with him and our pastors. Yes, because the last time we met he sat there and cried and said how much he loved me and how he was ready to go to rehab, and then waited for me outside to yell at me and tell me that I was just as much to blame and he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life making amends.
But I am so conditioned to believe everything he says. He writes to tell me that I'm going to lose the house and he's taking the kids 50/50, including the medically fragile one that he hasn't had overnight in 2 years, and I panic. If I believe him so much, surely a judge will too. He looks so smart and friendly and has it all together. He's this kind loving father who just wants to have his kids while his lazy stay at home wife needs to go out and get a job and stop mooching off of him.
It's just one mind game after another. He writes that I'm breaking the law by not giving him right of first refusal, but when I offer to let him have the kids when I have to go out of town he laughs and says no. He still has so much power over me. I know I'm letting him live in my brain and I don't know how to evict him.
All I want is for him to stop hurting us, and for me to stop feeling so scared. He leads this charmed life where he gets away with everything. Once again, I'm left paying for his choices. And I hate myself. Because I still have the dream that the nice, loving, kind version of himself, that he can pull out when he wants to look good, that that version could be the real him and that one day he'll wake up and love me again and miss me and want to come home. I am pathetic.