I was doing in house separation from October 2020 through May 2021 I was able to finally move out of our shared marital home-which we sold- into a rental. The first weekend I was in my rental I placed an offer on a new home. It is perfect for me! In the area I wanted to be in, safe neighborhood, the right price range... it was just meant to be. Since moving out everything has lined up for me, doors have opened, and it has helped me feel like the universe is telling me that what I am doing is the right move.
I KNOW it's the right thing for me, divorcing my husband. I KNOW there is absolutely no way I can go back to him. I love him still, you just can't turn off that emotion after being with someone for 23 years. I don't want to hurt him or see him in pain, even though his most recent actions -texting affair, and telling a woman he would pay her for a "date" devastated me and caused major pain.
We are trying to be amicable and stay friends to a certain degree. I'm not going to lie it is hard sometimes. But I am making myself do it for the kids. We have had our share of disagreements since all this started, and they are awful.
Our first mediation was not successful, while I compromised and tried to come to a custody schedule that he would agree to he refused to compromise. He wants what he wants, and this is who he is. We spent the whole session working on a custody schedule.
That somewhat gets you caught up to where I am now. I told him in August of last year that I did not want him touching me. I couldn't stand the thought of having him touch me and it literally made me nauseous.
I am in IC. I keep telling myself that I had to have played a role in the demise of my marriage. I must have done something that caused this. I know that I have played some role in it. But for the life of me I cannot figure out how. I had a man who I have known for years try texting me that he loved me and wished he never got married to his wife and wanted to be with me. I immediately told him no. I will not even entertain any of those thoughts and quit texting him. I did not tell my husband, I handled it and after several months my friend and I were able to start texting again, and he kept it appropriate and thankfully he and his wife stared marriage counseling and are working through everything!
All of this to say I had opportunities to cheat on my husband and I chose not to. There was no way I would do that again--yes I had a short lived affair years and years ago STBXH forgave me for it, but come to find out it was because he started and affair one year after we were married that didn't end until 2016-- his texting affair overlapped this physical affair. And I told him that I would leave him if he cheated again not knowing he was in a different affair as he was forced by OW1 husband to tell me. He kept this affair with OW2 a secret-it had been going on from what I can tell since 2014-- and kept it going up until last July. I have never strayed again. I have done everything I could do to prove to him that I am loyal without a doubt to him. I have given up friendships, family, stayed home with the kids so he could go party with his friends on the weekends. I have dealt with emotional blackmail and so many rude hateful comments about my affair all while he was in one. At time even emotional abuse. I took it all as my way of showing him I was in 100%.
Guys I have not had any intimate touch in almost a year. I cuddle with my kids, but it is not the same. The kids hug me it's not the same as a loving partner. I am feeling the effects of not having physical comfort.
I do not want to get involved with anyone--I'm still not divorced-- anytime soon or even later. I have been talked to and preached to about how I am jaded or crazy talking, but the only way I wont have to feel this way again is to not expose myself to a relationship again. I don't like all of this emotional mess and truthfully I believe I will have a hard time trusting anyone from here on out. Maybe IC will help with this.
BUT I want someone to cuddle with. I want strong arms to hug me and tell me its ok and everything will be fine. I want someone I can confide in. I am missing this terribly
Anyone else in this predicament and found a way to deal with it?
Please don't tell me that my affair broke him in someway and caused him to do all this, I have been told this by people in the past year. In fact I have been told this so many times that I started believing it and have had to work hard to tell myself this is not what happened.