Newest Member: username3016

General :
separation blues

Topic is Sleeping.
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 AsUWish (original poster New Member #77301) posted at 5:33 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I was doing in house separation from October 2020 through May 2021 I was able to finally move out of our shared marital home-which we sold- into a rental. The first weekend I was in my rental I placed an offer on a new home. It is perfect for me! In the area I wanted to be in, safe neighborhood, the right price range... it was just meant to be. Since moving out everything has lined up for me, doors have opened, and it has helped me feel like the universe is telling me that what I am doing is the right move.

I KNOW it's the right thing for me, divorcing my husband. I KNOW there is absolutely no way I can go back to him. I love him still, you just can't turn off that emotion after being with someone for 23 years. I don't want to hurt him or see him in pain, even though his most recent actions -texting affair, and telling a woman he would pay her for a "date" devastated me and caused major pain.

We are trying to be amicable and stay friends to a certain degree. I'm not going to lie it is hard sometimes. But I am making myself do it for the kids. We have had our share of disagreements since all this started, and they are awful.

Our first mediation was not successful, while I compromised and tried to come to a custody schedule that he would agree to he refused to compromise. He wants what he wants, and this is who he is. We spent the whole session working on a custody schedule.

That somewhat gets you caught up to where I am now. I told him in August of last year that I did not want him touching me. I couldn't stand the thought of having him touch me and it literally made me nauseous.

I am in IC. I keep telling myself that I had to have played a role in the demise of my marriage. I must have done something that caused this. I know that I have played some role in it. But for the life of me I cannot figure out how. I had a man who I have known for years try texting me that he loved me and wished he never got married to his wife and wanted to be with me. I immediately told him no. I will not even entertain any of those thoughts and quit texting him. I did not tell my husband, I handled it and after several months my friend and I were able to start texting again, and he kept it appropriate and thankfully he and his wife stared marriage counseling and are working through everything!


All of this to say I had opportunities to cheat on my husband and I chose not to. There was no way I would do that again--yes I had a short lived affair years and years ago STBXH forgave me for it, but come to find out it was because he started and affair one year after we were married that didn't end until 2016-- his texting affair overlapped this physical affair. And I told him that I would leave him if he cheated again not knowing he was in a different affair as he was forced by OW1 husband to tell me. He kept this affair with OW2 a secret-it had been going on from what I can tell since 2014-- and kept it going up until last July. I have never strayed again. I have done everything I could do to prove to him that I am loyal without a doubt to him. I have given up friendships, family, stayed home with the kids so he could go party with his friends on the weekends. I have dealt with emotional blackmail and so many rude hateful comments about my affair all while he was in one. At time even emotional abuse. I took it all as my way of showing him I was in 100%.

Guys I have not had any intimate touch in almost a year. I cuddle with my kids, but it is not the same. The kids hug me it's not the same as a loving partner. I am feeling the effects of not having physical comfort.

I do not want to get involved with anyone--I'm still not divorced-- anytime soon or even later. I have been talked to and preached to about how I am jaded or crazy talking, but the only way I wont have to feel this way again is to not expose myself to a relationship again. I don't like all of this emotional mess and truthfully I believe I will have a hard time trusting anyone from here on out. Maybe IC will help with this.

BUT I want someone to cuddle with. I want strong arms to hug me and tell me its ok and everything will be fine. I want someone I can confide in. I am missing this terribly
Anyone else in this predicament and found a way to deal with it?

Please don't tell me that my affair broke him in someway and caused him to do all this, I have been told this by people in the past year. In fact I have been told this so many times that I started believing it and have had to work hard to tell myself this is not what happened.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8675813
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Get a weighted blanket. I know it isn't the same but it can help you sleep when you are used to sleeping in the bed with someone. Or get a dog and let it sleep with you. In my opinion you need to heal more before you bring any other person into your life in that way. I understand, I have a high sex drive and love touch and cuddling but it would cause a world of problems if I don't heal first.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8675817
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 AsUWish (original poster New Member #77301) posted at 5:49 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Stubbornft Thanks for your reply. I really have no intention of getting anyone any time soon to fulfill this need I have. I agree I need to work on me and continue with IC until I am able to work though this disaster I called a marriage.

I will try a weighted blanket tonight.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8675820
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 5:51 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I used a weighted blanket when I first had him move out of the bedroom. It really did help. I understand your pain, it is rough and especially when your feelings are so beat up and hurt after betrayal. Hang in there!

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8675821
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

We are trying to be amicable and stay friends to a certain degree. I'm not going to lie it is hard sometimes. But I am making myself do it for the kids.

Why? Why do you feel like you need to be "friends" with your abuser? If you get mugged, do you thank the guy for throwing in a complimentary pistol whipping? Who's going to be YOUR friend if not YOU?

It's not necessary to be friends with your ex for the kids. It's okay to be NOTHING with your ex for YOU. If you're flying at 30 thousand feet and the oxygen masks drop down, you put on your own first, right? That way, you're capable of helping your kids, not passed out or an incoherent, flailing lump.

Have you ever read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. If not, I would really recommend it. Not only does she explain in scientific terms what's going on with our brains that makes letting go of the ex so hard, she gets us started on re-learning how to value ourselves. I got so much out of her Big/Little exercise despite the fact that I'm in R. It sound so silly and dissociative, but it really put me in touch with my anxieties and lingering FOO issues in such a way as to identify and start ministering to my own inner needs.

When a spouse has devalued you as a person to the extent that you have to divorce them to save your own sanity, you're NOT obliged to keep that toxicity in your life. And you might find that if you get a little tougher with your response to your ex, you might find yourself ready to move on to the possibility of a new relationship sooner. NOTHING you did (or didn't do) could cause another person to behave in ways which are antithetical to their character. You can't MAKE other people's choices for them. Your ex made willful choices to betray your trust, again and again. That capacity for perfidious action is still INSIDE him. You didn't put it there and you couldn't have changed it. Only HE can make positive changes to his character and to his core values. He has obviously elected NOT to do that work, and you are NOT obliged to give him any more chances. You've already given so many, most likely based on your own early guilt. At some point though, you have to decide you are WORTH more than this constant game of cat and mouse. You're almost there. You've opted to end the game. But it's time to put the guilt away for good. You gave him more than enough, and he chose to spit your care and compassion back in your face over and over again. Be done. For real. If you're going to be friends with someone, make it YOU.

posts: 4518   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8675839
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 AsUWish (original poster New Member #77301) posted at 6:21 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

@ChamomileTea I do feel as if my children would benefit from having two parents who can still communicate on a civil basis. I have witnessed many children in situations where their divorced parents are unable to get along and I do not want this for my children.

Yes STBXH does not deserve my friendship, but we will need to create an environment for our children where they will not feel the need to only invite one of us to future events for fear of an embarrassing fight, or an uncomfortable situation.

When I say friends, I am simply meaning that we are civil and able to put our differences behind us to make sure our children can have as normal a life as possible. It is not their fault that we are divorcing, and they shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of their lives.

I know that not everyone will agree with me on my choice, but I do feel that I am doing the correct thing in my situation and for my kids. My son has actually told me numerous times that his dad and I still getting along is making this change easier for him, that he was afraid that we would be the parents that fought all the time and he didn't want that.

I will read the book you suggested though The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson I do feel like it will help me let go in ways that I still need to.

Thank you for your post it helped me see things in a different way and made me think through what I was doing and why.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8676583
Topic is Sleeping.
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