Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Shocked at his reaction

Topic is Sleeping.
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cbgrace1980 ( Member #64109) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

The story doesn't have to end here. I am so sorry your husband is cheating on you. If counseling is an option, please pursue it together. If he's not willing, try going on your own. It will give you clarity for the next moves ahead. We are here for you anytime you need to vent. I have been in your shoes and it is very hard. Hugs to you.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8671270
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 10:25 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

but not this... total disregard. I have gone through many posts here but can't seem to find one similar to my situation.

We've seen this before. It normally means that the WS doesn't think their partner will do anything. They just ignore everything and hope to continue things the same as always.

Divorce papers and exposing his affairs are the only things that will snap him out of it. He might try to fix things once he knows your serious. He might not but it's really your only option.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671313
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SassyAndSweet ( New Member #78966) posted at 11:12 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Hi mino

They always seem to slip up in clearing their tracks , mine did the same thing when he was away on holidays and the home pc I saw everything he was doing whilst he was sitting there 11pm at night searching local escorts and local girls wanting to hook up for sex . He was chatting to them via the sex site which he didn't realise at the time the sex site sent an email to our home PC asking for confirmation so I screen shot it to him and said "busted" he acted dumb and messaged me saying he didn't log into anything like that but then I came across his google history that came from his phone onto our home PC which showed the girls he was looking at . Dumb ass. Of course they deny it.. my bf had no remorse either and blamed it all on me calling me names .

Why do cheaters stay with their partners and cheat rather than leaving .. I guess they want both worlds.. I wish I was financially stable 5o be able to say goodbye to him but I need to stay until I get everything soughted. He still doesn't know how much of his phone history I seen and I printed it all off the PC . He surely wasn't the man I thought he was,I thought I was his world.

Ok so if your financially ready to leave do it, you deserve better than that and I believe once a cheater always a cheater.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2021
id 8671326
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 11:41 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Do not go to counselling with him. It's frequently detrimental to the betrayed spouse. Blameshifting and revictimization frequently occurs. Not all the time but too much. The marriage is the patient in couples counselling. The marriage isn't the problem. He and his morals, values, commitment and integrity are the problem. Individual counselling (IC) for your self.

There is nothing you did or did not do that caused his adultery and selfishness. It is entirely (100%) on him. All marriages have issues. In mature relationships that is understood and the ups and downs are dealt with in a healthy, mature manner.

Do not continue on with the house purchase. You don't want to be saddled with a new or bigger mortgage in the event of a divorce. As you are doing, separate your entanglements as best you can. Should R happen and trust is rebuilt they can be combined again.

I'm sorry for the reason you searched to find support on this topic. This is the best club that I know about that you never wanted to or thought you would join. We all are survivors or in recovery of adultery. Our views may differ but, mostly, we want you to get out of adultery whether that's R or D and to not make the same mistakes most of us have made.

I'm so sorry.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8671330
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 Mino1 (original poster New Member #79021) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Thanks very much to you all that have offered words of advice or support. It really means a lot to me as I often revisit the post and reread the messages to keep me going strong. When I feel lonely and almost want to give up on the 180, I stay strong knowing there are others going through the same...but it is quite a lonely road I must tell you.

So far nothing has changed, we are more or less in an impasse. We don't speak to each other or do anything together, we are just cohabiting in the house with the kids. I wish there is something I could do that will shock him out of this. I'm not ready to file for D, neither am I ready to capitulate for R because I'm still reeling over my discovery. He has reached out a couple of times in the same way we reconcile over other issues, hold me and then we talk about it. But his touch just irritates me right now so I get up and walk away. When he is ready to talk, then we can talk without touching.

He's always been someone who cares a lot about our image in public so I'm thinking of exposing him in some way. One reason I think he's holding out is that we are billed to go to Disneyland by the end of this month and he probably believes there is no way I would travel alone with 3 kids and hopes I'll make up with him before then. As scary as it is, I'm hoping to do just this and post so many pics on SM of how happy I am alone with just my kids.

On a positive note, I have scheduled a call with a mental health therapist today. I've never been in therapy before but I believe it will help me get out of this funk of doubting myself and feeling like I cannot be loved. Thanks once again for all your feedback and words of support, really appreciated.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8671809
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

So far nothing has changed, we are more or less in an impasse. We don't speak to each other or do anything together, we are just cohabiting in the house with the kids.

This isn't healthy for you or for the kids. He knows you wont divorce him so he plans to ignore until it gets swept under the rug. Not doing any chores for him, going to disnye without him... they might have some impact but not something where he completely changes his personality.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your kids right now would be to see a lawyer. I'm not saying file. I'm saying that knowledge is power. Make yourself aware of what divorce is going to look like for you. It might not be as bad as you think. Might be better than living with a serial cheater. Many lawyers will do a free one hour consult.

He is giving you nothing to work with. He hopes to sweep it all under the rug. I'd talk to a lawyer first and then start exposing the affair to a few people.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671873
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:27 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Best choice is find a good counselor for yourself.

I think you are doing the right thing. Try to heal yourself — then make some decisions when you are ready.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671972
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:32 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

I wish there is something I could do that will shock him out of this. I'm not ready to file for D, neither am I ready to capitulate for R because I'm still reeling over my discovery. He has reached out a couple of times in the same way we reconcile over other issues, hold me and then we talk about it. But his touch just irritates me right now so I get up and walk away. When he is ready to talk, then we can talk without touching.

You've only got one really meaningful tool in your arsenal, Mino... and that's the abject REFUSAL to put up with a cheater. So, if you're not willing to divorce him, you're at a stalemate unless he decides he's going to divorce you first.

Frankly, I can see the merit in taking one's time and getting everything ready. But in the end, if he's not willing to budge, you're still going to be left with that one option. If I were you, I'd be working on getting my ducks in a row, and yes... since he's being a dumbass and refusing to engage with you, I'd fill out the papers and have them ready to file. Hell, if I had the extra money, I'd put an attorney on retainer.

And this business about him putting his hands on you? Nope. If you don't feel safe, contact whatever domestic abuse center is near you. But if you do feel physically safe, tell him to keep his dirty mitts to himself.

Build up your support network, Mino. You don't have to tell everyone, but do tell your key people, the ones who love you best and who you can't hide from. They're going to know something is wrong anyway and the last thing you need is to become further isolated.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672035
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 11:59 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mino, filing for divorce and getting divorced are two different things. Where I am filing for divorce is making a statement that you intend to divorce. It takes time to do so.

Where I live I could have filed for divorce and been divorced in 90 days because of the adultery. Because there had been considerable hysterical bonding and I was smoking hopium I was considered by law to have condoned the adultery.

Since getting divorced with adultery as the cause was eliminated I had to be separated for 1 year to divorce. It was over 2 years after filing that the divorce was final.

The point I'm making is that there is a lot of time between filing and the actual, legal divorce. Filing can have the effect of ending limbo. It may be what is needed to shake your WH off his secure perch.

It may make him decide to invest in R but it could also make him to not fight it and go with the divorce. But do you have a marriage now worth salvaging if he won't invest?

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8672086
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 Mino1 (original poster New Member #79021) posted at 8:09 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

So we finally talked and he acted contrite and remorseful and swore it was a mistake and that he regrets his actions. At first, he denied he actually slept with them, I got up and walked away because I didn't want to sit and listen to trash. He then came around and admitted to sleeping with 2 women, that he was bored and didn't know what he was doing. He begged and pleaded for forgiveness and attempted sex. I said no way for that until he tested for STDs, he said he just wanted to cuddle but I didn't agree to it.

The next day I sent him a list of conditions for reconciliation, which included testing, deleting and blocking said women, no more deception, no more flirting, taking up more responsibilities at home etc. He responded back to me attacking me for changing from who I used to be, making him feel less of a man, not respecting him and saying I should be more open by giving him the passwords to my work computer and my bank accounts.

To say I'm shocked is an understatement, it feels like he's putting me on trial for his own crimes. As much as I would have loved a reconciliation, at this point I feel like...to hell with everything. As much as I know I'm not perfect and can improve, that has nothing to do with what just happened, I'm so mad at him.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8672363
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SilverStar ( Member #46958) posted at 8:22 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

Begging and pleading and promising and trying to dickmatize you...been there. Then when you state what you need, there's the real him - still unrepentant, blame-shifting, just wants to rugsweep and go back to how it was before you knew and he had all this side action.

Do not fall for it. ACTION, not words, not pleading, not promising. Stay strong, dear lady.

BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14

posts: 455   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8672368
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:41 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

He responded back to me attacking me for changing from who I used to be, making him feel less of a man, not respecting him and saying I should be more open by giving him the passwords to my work computer and my bank accounts.

You should say to him that if he doesn't agree to your conditions then it only means that he's still seeing those girls and his multiple affairs are still ongoing.

Work computer can never be used for personal matter should it should be out of the question giving him your password for it as it would violate non-disclosure agreements. He should be aware of that.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672371
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:28 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

So it appears he’s not willing to do anything and everything to make amends and repair the damage and trauma he caused you AND he is now blaming you for his unhappiness and his Choice to cheat by punishing you for HIS behavior.

Tell him what you need again snd stand firm. Do not allow him to sweep this under the rug or blame you. That is what cheaters want - to avoid any consequences.

Please don’t let that happen. He needs to prove himself.

Without consequences he will cheat again. Ask me how I know.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8672374
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

He responded back to me attacking me for changing from who I used to be, making him feel less of a man, not respecting him and saying I should be more open by giving him the passwords to my work computer and my bank accounts.

"Making him feel less of a man"??? That's some real Grade A Bullshit there, isn't it? I hope you laughed right in his face. It's not your job to make that rat "feel like a man". It's his job to BE a man. That would mean being as good as his word, not skulking around lying and cheating like a little boy.

I hope you're contacting lawyers and protecting your assets, because this guy isn't taking you one bit seriously. He appears to think that the best defense is a good offense, right? So, he's going to pick a fight and make it about you? Tell him to go stuff himself, get an attorney, file for divorce, and mean it. He'll either change his tune or you'll be rid of about 180 lbs of excess flab in you life.

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672405
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TheEnd ( Member #72213) posted at 9:49 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

He's still trying to rugsweep. He does not expect you to stand up to him. He expects to do the bare minimum to win you back ... right where he wants you. Compliant and blind.

Nope. And Nope again.

You have to take a definitive step to show him you are dead serious. He has betrayed and hurt you, exposed you to STDs and is now trying to manipulate you further.

Start your therapy. Consult an attorney. Tell him you want to take the kids to disney yourself. Ask him to sleep in the guest room if he is not already. Or you take the kids and go stay with someone for a couple of weeks (if attorney says so).

You have to show him this is a deal breaker for you. The old marriage is D.E.A.D.. If he is interested in salvaging his family and starting over with you, he needs to step up and that starts with total remorse and no more blameshifting.

Be bold.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8672895
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realitybites ( Member #6908) posted at 1:25 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

"Making him feel less of a man"??? That's some real Grade A Bullshit there, isn't it? I hope you laughed right in his face. It's not your job to make that rat "feel like a man". It's his job to BE a man. That would mean being as good as his word, not skulking around lying and cheating like a little boy.

I hope you're contacting lawyers and protecting your assets, because this guy isn't taking you one bit seriously. He appears to think that the best defense is a good offense, right? So, he's going to pick a fight and make it about you? Tell him to go stuff himself, get an attorney, file for divorce, and mean it. He'll either change his tune or you'll be rid of about 180 lbs of excess flab in you life.

Could not agree more. ^^^^^^

He attacks you, then wants access to your accounts and passwords???

Seriously, I know that you are in shock right now, you have 3 children at home, hard to play catch up on the game of deceit and betrayal when the other side has been way ahead of you for goodness knows how long.

But I would be careful, we say on here that the A is just the tip of the iceberg. When his first thought to you is that he wants you to give him access to your accounts and passwords? Truly the sign of someone who has gone way further down the rabbit hole then you even know. Get some experts on your side to help you figure out where this whole thing has gone. And I hope getting to a therapist is also something that helps you right now, it is a total mind fu** when it all starts to unravel. Take care of you.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6891   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 8673456
Topic is Sleeping.
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