SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am never going to be free. He still has hold of me. I still believe all the shit he told me about myself. I hate who I am. I hate feeling fat, dumb, and ugly. I am never going to learn all this shit and someday I am going to kill somebody, if I ever pass this class at all.

You WILL be free of this poison. It takes time for it to process out of the mind and body, but it will get out. You are going to not only learn all that shit, but you will succeed at your career. You are clearly objectively not dumb and anyone who has read your words knows that. All this fat and ugly bullshit is just leftovers from infidelity and abusive asshat poison. That piece of shit gets to dictate who you are? Nah, I really don't think so. His judgment is about the last I'd trust on anything. He was here and I did read his words. Nah. Nope. There's nothing of value there.

(((WarriorPrincess))) you are a Warrior don't let this set you back. Process these bad feelings right out of your body.

S&D is no joke you go through a different kind of grieving than infidelity. The loss of a long M or partnership, dreams not come to fruition, financial loss. It's hard but it also comes with a peace and freedom I have come to love and would never trade to go back with the Ex. It starts to level out eventually, the waves of grief that you go through. At one year out from leaving him I am finally beginning to embrace this new life.

I too beat myself up at first and I slowly climbed out of the hole I was sitting in, step by step. It does get easier with time. Make sure you are loving yourself the most, take care of that girl inside of you who may be scared. Show her the way.

Sending you much love!

WP, I get the alone feeling. Hell, after the crazy year and a half we’ve all had, I feel like it’s worse. The thing is that if you let yourself get in your head, you will go to a dark place. I’ll start doing it and know I must switch to something else. It’s like Turning a channel. I have to distract myself. How do I know it’s happening? It’s like, “I’ll NEVER “ or I CAN’T” or “why did I think I could…”. Do I go down the hole? Sometimes. But it’s less now than a year ago. Because what you learn is that things you said “never” about work out. Or you do them. And you shock the hell out of yourself.

When you are at work and having Simpsons play, put in headphones. Pick a positive podcast that focuses your mind on something productive. Between audiobooks and podcasts, I’ve really found I’ve learned a lot and I’m happier.

As you said, look how far you’ve come. You will continue to feel better and find peace. I’m looking forward to your next chapter .

Dem

Thanks, everybody. I really needed the support. Summer is proving to be pretty hard for me. Summer was affair season, and summer was also when we used to do all the things we liked to do together. So of course the first summer after the end is emotionally turbulent. It will be over in a while.

He has now decided he wants me to send him receipts for all the things he thinks he paid for since I moved out. Surgery for the dog that never happened because he confiscated the money and still needs to happen. The propane we used in the house that had not been paid off, that he never gave me any money for. And so on. I told him I will be happy to generate receipts if he will show me the bank transfers where he sent me all this money, but I am not relying on his memory and say-so. I am certain he is getting ready to file for D and wants his ducks in a row.

Weirdly, I woke up yesterday or today with the expectation that the day would bring some of that horrible, aching grieving pain, the kind I had after my fiance died and during STBXWH's affair. But as the day went on, I didn't have any such feelings at all. I wonder now if maybe it was a tail end of a dream or something.

Anyway, school marches on. I have another test tomorrow, a comprehensive final for the 4th of 5 units, and oral exams too. I cannot wait for this to be over. I am about to embark on 6 weeks of almost constant activity, as I finish up all my clinical hours and preceptor ride time. But by the end of September I will be done with my hospital hours and the classroom portion will be done October 14. After that it's just preceptor ride time and Wednesday-night skill sessions.

Well, I had to see him yesterday because kiddo and I needed to get some of our things from the house. The house itself was unbelievable. There was rotting food all over the place, a pile of dishes in the sink, and there has been no running water since before we left in February. But he is still using the toilet, eww. He has been packing things up, both is and mine, which of course is helpful.

I asked him to leave us alone but of course he wouldn't, and eventually sucked me into an argument. It was exactly like before we left. Nothing but a bunch of word salad. Apparently he thinks I want to stay married to him, but he has (by his own admission) little to offer me. He will never express deep feelings. We will never enjoy emotional intimacy. He is not interested in helping me heal from his infidelity, which he insists was not actually infidelity since PIV sex is the only way a person can be unfaithful. It is my own fault I never got to go to med school; he worked two jobs for "years" so I could have the time to go to school which I wasted (it was like a year when kiddo was little. I went back to work when she was 2. And he worked to pay the mortgage on that house he had to have, which I hated.) His pornography use was not actually harmful to me. He is not responsible for the lies he told me around his pornography use. And blowing him off for the holidays since I left this past year is every bit as bad as what he did to me.

I am the love of his life and his soulmate but if I want to leave he won't feel too bad. He is not going to beg me to say or "kiss my ass." He still loves me but if we get divorced (is there any doubt at this point?) he is going to go after me and try to take away my trailer and get me to pay him support. He is even going to go after the patio furniture I took (Value, $50) just so I won't have it. But he is becoming a better person since I have been gone. He is a good man now.

This morning I felt like I had a hangover. It wasn't just being tired, I actually felt sick and drained like I had been drinking all night. Yesterday was, to say the least, a painful day.

However it was also very educational. Now I can see how he fucked with me so badly. For years, I have been listening to his word salad and believing it was normal conversation. So then of course I started to believe there was something wrong with me for not understanding what he was saying. It seemed like the conversation changed directions all the time and without warning, because it did. I didn't really see what was happening at the time, so I would be blindsided. Then he would gaslight me (which he claims he was not doing because such a thing does not really exist) and further add to the chaos. I would get turned around and lose track of the conversation. After years of this, I labeled myself easily confused.

His petty bullshit ate away at my confidence in myself as a human being and as a woman. He kept us in financial and emotional chaos and thwarted everything I tried to do. He got me believing I couldn't balance a checkbook or manage a household, when he was actively going behind me and messing things up. I always believed he was doing it but I could never catch him. How the hell was I going to continue on the path to med school after he convinced me that I couldn't handle basic math? And I knew that being a med student and the mother of a small child at the same time would take a ton of support. When I realized I didn't have that, what was I supposed to do?

He also subtly let me know that he was not a big fan of intelligence in a woman, so If I wanted to continue on this very brainy endeavor, where would I be in my marriage? And he had the trauma bond so firmly established, I obviously had a hell of a time breaking away.

So I'm kind of ranting, but the more I think about this, the more it irks me. Also the more I think about it, the better I see all the subtle ways he controlled me. Ironically, my own belief in myself both kept me trapped and eventually allowed me to walk away. It kept me trapped because I really believed if I cold just figure things out, I could make everything come out all right. But fortunately, eventually I realized the truth, which is that some things just can't be fixed.

[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 5:29 AM, Monday, August 16th]