SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For years I had that gut feeling that he was up to something but when I found evidence it was far worse than I had thought.

One day I accidentally came across his phone history on the home PC. And for the past 5 years he was searching escorts and brothels online, he was on dating apps . And he was searching escorts every few days so it was quite regular. Every year He always went away alone with his family at Xmas for 6 weeks as I was at home looking after the kids and his Google search showed that the first night he arrived on his holiday which was Xmas night he was looking up local girls looking for sex and backpackers in the area looking for sex. When he was away at Xmas he hardly messaged me and never called me and now I know why .. He even had a Google location search while he was away for a porn shop in a nearby town. Of course he denied it all and said he was just looking at pictures and I said local escorts pictures? It probably wouldn't had bothered me so much it it was just a typical porn site but no these were local brothel girls . Anyways I felt sick and didn't eat for weeks. He said sorry and started texting I love you and stuff which was unusual for him because he would ever only say I love you about twice a year.. I tried to move on and tried to believe he was just looking at pictures but then I came across just 1 phone bill paper sitting in the filing cabinet from 3 years ago with just 3 days of phone history and there it was 100 calls in just 1 day to escorts, brothels and girls off a dating sex app as well . I rang them all and googled all the numbers.. so my fears were unleashed. I never told him what I found out and I am still with him and I know he is still upto thingsz it's like I need him to confess so I can do the decision to leave. I can't walk away with him denying what I know is true , it would eat me up as much as staying is.

Are you getting things lined up so you can leave? I am sorry you are hurting. What steps can you take to make yourself in a better position? Can you set aside a little money?

You don't have to prove anything. This isn't court. You know what is going on, he knows what is going on.

Please get an STD test. I had to do the same, it sucks but you need to focus on yourself.

You have all of the information you need. He is cheating with hookers (mine also paid for sex, I am not judging you or him, I am you!) and you know that. Now what are you going to do?

Do you have kids?

Keep posting here. People will say things you don't want to hear. You need to hear them. Even if you can't do it all right now, you need to get a plan in place. I am in the same position. I am working towards what is best for me, but I am taking care of things in the meantime. Stay here with us, you are brave to post. We are here for you.

Edited to add this - I want you to save up some money so you can leave if you need to or he can leave. I am not saying you can't work things out someday. But you need to be able to confront him and kick him out if necessary.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 5:44 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

Why do you think you need him to admit to things you already know? You have hard evidence from your phone bill.

It’s been years of this behavior from him. It’s not stopped.

Why are you afraid to stand up to him?

Big hugs to you.

You can take back your power. If your future depends on needing a cheater who, aside from the cheating, doesn't treat you very nicely, to suddenly become an honest person, then you are in limbo indeed. You can't control anyone but yourself.

There are things you can do to start taking back control, which range from little to big. You can confide in a friend or close family member. You can sign up for therapy, which is very easy to do online these days if you can't go in person. You can call a solicitor and set up an appointment. You can call your GP or OB-GYN for an STD test, or go to a walk-in clinic.

Often when we're in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat us well, we lose our voice. We feel trapped because that's how they want us to feel . . . like we have to do things their way or else. But you are a big strong mama bear. I know this because you've kept going with a partner who leaves you hanging all the time. I know you find your way through to the other side of this. One step at a time.

ETA: You already took a big step in deciding you needed some outside perspective and signing up here. Good for you!

[This message edited by swmnbc at 10:25 PM, June 22nd, 2021 (Tuesday)]

I never told him what I found out and I am still with him and I know he is still up to thingsz it's like I need him to confess so I can do the decision to leave

You don't need him to confess. Get yourself lined up, speak to a lawyer about what you can and can't do around separating and maybe staying with a friend if you feel you need to. Then you just say to him "I have been made aware that you are doing X,Y,Z for at least the last 5 years therefore I am leaving you.

I don't think he looks much of a bet for reconciling, this sounds a bit like a long-term habitual activity which is hard to break and to be honest, he doesn't sound like a great husband - going away for 6 weeks at Christmas without you? That's crazy, he should be with you for holidays. Only saying he loves you twice a year is poor. You can do a lot better.

...it's like I need him to confess so I can do the decision to leave. I can't walk away with him denying what I know is true , it would eat me up as much as staying is

These are excuses that you're making up in your head so that you can ignore the evidence you've already seen. You say "I can't..." and suddenly, you're off the hook for taking action. But that's okay. When you're truly sick and disgusted by your cheaters continued abuse, the blinders will drop away. My suggestion is, that you start getting your ducks in s row so that when you are ready to look, you'll be ready to act.

Gently, you already know the truth.

He's been paying for sex for years.

Honestly, he probably won't change.

What's holding you back? This is no way to live.

Who knows how much of the family budget he used for his addiction.

Please meet with an attorney and get your ducks in a row.

Find your courage and your self-respect and move forward with your life.

Sending a huge virtual hug.

He has a lot of money and i never see his accounts or any statements , he gets them sent to his email and same with his telephone bills so I don't ever see anything of what he does. I just happened to had came across an old paper telephone record from years ago that had the escorts and brothel numbers on it.. and that was just 1 day of records,imagine if I seen records of every day for the past 5 years. It eats me up that he thinks he has gotten away with fooling me for years. He just prints out the front copy of his telephone bill now and doesn't print out his monthly phone call records so I can't see calls he makes. That's how he has gotten away with it for so long.. I never seen anything , he kept it all away from me. Even. Bank accounts I've never seen any of them for the past 15 years. God I'm so stupid to had trust him so much.

I'm just so sick of this sinking feeling in my stomach and my head hurts from thinking all the time.. even at work I'm in tears crying every day ,I lost interest in music I used to play because most of the songs reminds me of him cheating. When I wake up in the morning the first few seconds I feel great until my head starts filling up with everything I saw on his google history and that happened a year ago and I still feel sick and haunted by it all , I go over and over in my head of the whole relationship and analyze everything if I just did this if I just checked that it's never gonna go away , he sits there acting all smug , laughing and putting on a big nice act with his family and friends while I stand beside him knowing what he is really like. They think he is a fantastic funny guy.Hes a dirty pervert of a man looking at 20yo girls constantly, It makes me sick, even tv shows and movies all he watches is anything with young pretty girls on it.. and also the america got talent shows. He would watch that and when the young girls came on singing he would watch them over and over on you tube.. he only watched the girls . The escorts he was ringing up were 19 and 20 year olds. He is 50 btw.

Even. Bank accounts I've never seen any of them for the past 15 years.

Go talk to a divorce attorney. They can find the money. You don't have to file to go and ask questions. Take some of your power back. Meet with an attorney and see what options look like for you.

He’s a serial cheater. If you stay this will be your life.

Hi @SassyAndSweet I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you.

From my own experience, issues like this cannot be rug swept and honestly the evidence you have is already enough proof of what has been going on in the course of your relationship.

I know the process of addressing what you have found out with him might be hard but honestly you will need to do this in order to move forward.

Do you have any family member or friend that you trust that you can talk to? Please remember that what has happened is not your fault and you are truly worthy of love that can be trusted.

Also do consider counseling for yourself to help you process what you've found out and the best way forward,

I pray the near future brings you wisdom and strength for the journey ahead. Stay strong!

Thank you everyone <3