Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 2:55 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Since the affair took place at work, I think it is perfectly acceptable for her to be served at work. It won't be like in the movies. Most likely some one will show up and tell the receptionist that they need to hand deliver something to Mrs C. Not uncommon in a law office?

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8671148
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 3:15 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

MB you're correct, that is why OP needs to simultaneously contact the HR office and explain why he filed for divorce and who the AP is...and as another has said, OP need to suppena the AP for an interview under oath...

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671153
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 3:48 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Meanwhile in the office:

- The coworker you spoke to probably talked with Mark or your WW or both or with a director about your conversation.

- Your WW definitely told Mark that you now know she's in love with him and you want a divorce.

You can understand Mark's reaction from your WW's behavior towards you.

If he has been hesitant, your WW will be a little upset and a little worried about the divorce.

If he was happy about it and said something like there is no longer any barrier between them, your WW will be happy and will say "let's do it" about the divorce.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:48 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8671163
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Govsiz is spot on.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 9:59 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671165
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:27 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Are you in a state where you can sue the OM?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671180
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

We qualified for the second one months ago.

Affair or no affair, that's not something you should ever accept in a marriage (assuming you like sex).

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8671210
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Brother, just keep highlighting the facts that she left the loving marriage months ago, you wanted to address the issues, but she just continued willingly down the relationship road with Mark. How many times did you raise this with STBX but were ridiculed for smothering her.

Time to highlight this to all. Including her workplace and may look into this legally.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8671240
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 8:18 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Coming back with another update:

I got a job offer out of state. It's better pay, better benefits, and frankly, a better career move for me regardless of anything else going on. It'll bring me closer to family and friends, too. The new place is willing to work with me on a flexible start date, allow me to work remotely (from where I currently reside) until I am able to complete the transition/relocation. They even offered to reimburse relocation costs. They don't know the extent of what has been going on in my personal life either.

The timing of this is wildly uncanny.

I, however excited I may be for the new opportunity, am feeling a ton of nervous anxiety about this...

I know I don't owe her anything...but I feel like I need to tell her. the good person in me wants to talk to her about it....but I know that I need to just focus on ME and what's best for ME right now.

i called my dad to talk about it. He was so excited and happy for the new opportunity. We chatted about it a bit and then he asked if I wanted to talk about the "other thing"...and I just broke down sobbing.

He was so encouraging, supportive, and kind. But I'm an emotional wreck right now. It's been a lovely two days of feeling relief and feeling better, and now I feel like it's all kinda...hitting me all at once.

And it's really hard. I should be happy right? I should be excited? I am really struggling now.

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 2:18 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671253
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 8:23 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Good things do happen to good people sometimes. You need to process the grief from your WW’s betrayal. Don’t try to bottle it up. Just get through it. You will get through this to a better place. Congrats on your new career move. Very glad for you.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8671254
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CCB,

Congratulations on the new position!

Your #1 job is to get yourself out of this sham of a marriage. You can do this kindly and respectfully but you need to do it quickly.

Let your WW know that you have a new position, and that she will be served this week. You can ask her where she would prefer getting served, if you feel like you want to avoid her being blindsided.

ETA: Meanwhile, YES, what fareast said, you WILL need time to process your grief and pain. The range of emotions that you are feeling is NORMAL, even though it should not stop you from moving forward and doing what you need to do.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:32 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8671255
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CheesecakeBaker,

You are pretty torn up and that makes sense given that you loved your wife. However, you loved someone that didn't exist - she proved that through her actions.

You should definitely accept this new job offer and file for divorce - it will give you a clean start. Once that is done, let your family and friends and her HR department know that you've filed for divorce and why - serve her at work. Then, you can sit down with your wife and let her know you're moving on and she is free to be with Mark. There will be plenty of crocodile tears but stay resolute. She will want to change the narrative so she isn't the bad person that destroyed a marriage through adultery.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8671257
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I got a job offer out of state. It's better pay, better benefits, and frankly, a better career move for me regardless of anything else going on. It'll bring me closer to family and friends, too. The new place is willing to work with me on a flexible start date, allow me to work remotely (from where I currently reside) until I am able to complete the transition/relocation. They even offered to reimburse relocation costs. They don't know the extent of what has been going on in my personal life either.

Great news. Fresh start. Divorce. You'll heal faster.

Have you told her parents? I can't remember. It's not for revenge but rather to live not by lies, to live in truth, and to force her to face reality instead of living in a fantasy.

Next her and move on.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8671259
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HapDaz45 ( New Member #75872) posted at 8:38 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I know I do not owe her anything...but I feel like I need to tell her. the good person in me wants to talk to her about it....but I know that I need to just focus on ME and what's best for ME right now.

You have no obligation to communicate with her beyond the dog, your shared assets, and shared obligations. She blew up the marriage long ago. It is up to you to pick your way through this debris field as best you can. I would advise you to play all your cards “close to the vest”. I would recommend that you to take the job, move, go no contact and get on with your new life ASAP.

YES, focus on ME!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8671260
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Hi CCB,
Congrats on your new position, you deserve it!
That is an understandable feeling if you talk about the 'other thing'. You've been with her for the last 6 years. But you said it yourself, you don't want to compete for your wife with another man. She didn't even say she loves you yet she said she loves Mark.
If I am in your place, I will file, get out, ghost her, and move on with my new life. I will bet with you even if you tell her that you have a new position out of state, she won't be joining you. That I can assure you. Her heart belongs to Mark now.
Good luck and all the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 8:51 PM, Wednesday, June 30th]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8671262
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I would not tell her a goddamn word about the job.

Serve her then ghost her. Don't let her know anything about your plans, don't tell her when you move.

She'll come whining to you later, and that will be you opportunity to rub her nose in what she squandered, if you so choose.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8671261
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CCB, as has been said, you need to grieve the loss of something that was precious to you.

I can't tell you how many times I took a fetal position and had heart wracking sobs until exhausted. Later just crying without a stimulus to do so.

My IC told me the crying is cleansing and needed. It's letting go and gaining closure. It's a release of poison making space for healing.

Best wishes to you. It's tough. It takes considerable time to heal whether together or apart. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4660   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8671263
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:42 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I know I don't owe her anything...but I feel like I need to tell her. the good person in me wants to talk to her about it....but I know that I need to just focus on ME and what's best for ME right now.

No good deed you try and do for her will go unpunished.

You haven’t fully come to grips with who she really is or how little she cares about you even though her horrific actions tell you this.

Do yourself a favor. Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

This is a perfect opportunity and you will be leaving nothing behind except more pain and disappointment.

I hope you wake up. You need to.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:42 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671264
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I would strongly discourage you from telling your wife anything about your new job. Have her served and get the dog thing worked out in your favor, whatever that means. If you choose to, you can tell her when you're moving but you absolutely should not tell her before you have finalized plans.

She has been absolutely cruel to you for MONTHS. MONTHS!!!!

Do not give her any access to hurt you further. Detatch detatch detatch. Make plans for yourself. Do not include her. She made her choice and you must move forward with who she IS and not who you thought she was or hoped she would be.

She is choosing to cheat on you after shutting you out for months. Absolutely nothing good will come of including her in your planning.

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8671278
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:12 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Great opportunity, take it and don't tell her anything. Not just the job offer, don't talk about anything that's going on in your life.

New job, new environment, closeness to family and friends, all of these will help you heal in a very short time than expected.

I know you're in pain, but it might even be fun for you if you serve her in her office and dump her out of nowhere. If you're thinking about what she deserves, let me tell you; that's it.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8671280
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Meanwhile, the problem with "talking it over" with your WW--beyond letting her know that you are moving on that is--is that she has shown a complete unwillingness in the past 6 months to consider your needs. So giving her any say as to how you are going to be moving forward, is only going to be to your detriment.

And realize, she just does not deserve that from you. Your WW unilaterally broke her vows from her role as your W and fired you from your role as her H, to put her energy on Mark--except she never even told you. In fact, when you pressed her on what was as obvious as day, she denied and denied.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:29 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8671282
Topic is Sleeping.
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