Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:23 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Oh boy.

She's 'sorry' she slept with a 23 yr old FOR FIVE MONTHS.

Ya. She's sorry.

What to do about your kids? You tell them, you can't keep this from them their mother isn't living at home any more. This isn't your fault YOU have nothing to be ashamed of here.

Long road back from this man. It's going to take a few years before your marriage is more stable for you. May never happen.

You've got some tough choices, damn shame what's happened. Best thing is to face this head on like you're doing. Don't sweep this under the rug.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8669189
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 7:48 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I am so sorry your wife has so miserably failed you and your marriage and proven her lack of morals and character.

No matter which path you choose you need to take care of yourself first. Your wife's well being is no longer your concern, yours is.

As someone who spent a decade looking for answers at the bottom of a whiskey glass, let me tell you, that as absent as the pain is while you are inebriated just so suddenly it will return when you sober up and it will remain undealt with until you face it.

In the mean time, life passes you by. Please cut the alcohol immediately, I lost everything and my choice to drown my pain in the devils juice was the cause. It's an easy way out of pain, but it's also a cowards choice since prolonged, it is nothing but slow-motion suicide and one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Look after your health. I do not envy you this path you are now forced to walk through no fault or choice of your own.

One step at a time, just make sure most of them is in a direction that benefits yourself.

Strength to you OP.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8669193
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 8:35 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Tacit:

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support and advice. Sisoon has laid out the parameters of the road map to healing. I agree with keptmyword to, in the long run, trust your own judgement as to what you want going forward. It appears from your description that your WW is the latest one to engage in a mid-life crisis A. You are not alone in feeling this pain. Keptmyword has accurately described your WW’s likely path in infidelity. Accept no blame. A mid-life crisis is no excuse for being unfaithful. However, we do see a recurring scenario of infidelity at a certain stage of life. Read in the healing library.

Always value yourself. Take your time to process the emotional trauma. It is a real thing. Good luck moving forward.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8669201
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Tacit, lust is still the strongest motivator for cheating there is. Good old fashioned lust is why she did it. She met this young handsome guy, had the hots for him, he played her and she gave into him. She enjoyed it and kept going back. Never underestimate lust. It is powerful.

She wasn't thinking about you, or the marriage when she dove into her affair feet first. At no time did she stop to justify it to herself by dredging up old and forgotten animosities or grudges between the two of you. Those didn't factor either. In fact, she probably never gave you a single thought. She was completely ensconced in a make-believe world where she was still young and beautiful and she was experiencing that same heady flush of desire and lust that she felt when the two of you were deeply in love at the beginning of your relationship. It was pure brain chemicals taking her over and driving her forward with this guy. He is in no way the "better man". He is a young punk thinking of his own selfish needs and not giving a crap about what it would do to your family.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 2:48 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8669202
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

The Wrong One pretty much nails it. What you want to do is up to you. Take your time. Do not offer R right off the bat. If this is a deal-breaker, so be it. Move on from her. You have no obligation to stay with her. If you are like most of us who have been betrayed, you will never look at your wife the same way again. You may heal to some degree, but you will never forget what she did in throwing you and the marriage under the bus. If you can get sufficiently past that truth, then move forward with the marriage. Unfortunately, you will not know the answer to that question for years to come.

As a side note, your wife must quit her job NOW as a condition for anything. She must tell her supervisor/personnel the reason for her resignation. What her superiors decide to do with the 23-year-old is up to them. But make sure she does it. If she refuses, file for divorce.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8669208
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Oh, Tacit, I'm so sorry, that sounds like a heartbreaker. I'm sorry you're here in our little club of the walking wounded, but trust me you have landed with a crowd that have some decent advice for every stage of what you are going through right now.

Could you clarify a couple of points? I'm not saying that everything has to make sense but this really stood out in your initial post:

What I heard made me want to die. My wife and her AP had been meeting in secret almost every Wednesday at his house. Wednesday is the day when I meet with my therapist that I have been seeing since I was a teenager.

How did your Brother and SIL find out so much about her affair? Did she just give up those details (who the guy was, what day she cheats on you with him, how long it has been going on) when she explained why she was seen holding hands with a twentysomething?

They were still there when my wife came home from work. As soon as she saw her brother and sister she started to cry. I didn't even have to say anything before she tried to explain herself, how she was sorry for everything. I didn't want to hear it.

This is the other thing. Your wife presumably gave them all this information about an affair she was embroiled in.. then.. what? Did she hope they would just forget and move on and mind their own business or something? Or were they waiting for her to come clean to you and were disappointed when she said nothing (which sounds like the likely outcome to me). If that's the case, that's very telling about your wife's penchant for wanting to dwell in fantasyland.

I'm glad you are reading her texts. You can't avoid a confrontation forever. You have already picked up on the logical fallacies of her professing her undying love to you (now, that she's been caught red handed). Don't be taken in by that crap. That's all it is. It's what desperate guilty people say have said when they don't have a way out of being caught red handed, and it's as old as history. So you know you are reading the old cheater's formula of pleading, shifting blame, and gaslighting. She is going to move from deer in the headlights to being super defensive really quickly, so stay ahead of it. You don't have to sit down for an interview until you are ready for it. In the meantime, your kids are done for the semester and heading home. They are adults now, and you should not hide what has happened from them. NOT OUT OF VENGEANCE, I stress this. You are about to make some decisions that will certainly impact them, one way or another. They need to know what is happening, they are both old enough to absorb what the consequences of your wife's adultery will be.

You're getting lots of good advice already-- all of it very practical. I don't make a habit of repeating the tactical stuff as it just gets repetitive. By "tactical" I mean the short term, immediate steps that you absolutely MUST take. Taking care of yourself, your health, your finances, your retirement, etc. That's all the advice about STI/STDs, Paternity checks, getting a lwayer, etc. Think of that as the immediate reaction stuff (tactical). The strategic level is about taking stock of your life-- not just now in the wake of this terrible betrayal, but five years from now, or ten, or twenty. This is the hardest part of making a decision, that's why I dont' advocate reacting immediately. Take your time, get healthy, stop the drinking. Make informed, rational decisions. Don't let this ruin you.

I don't know you from Adam any more than I know anyone on here, but I know you didn't deserve this and trusted your wife implicitly (that seems clear). You're going through a lot of pain right now and there's no off switch for that (for a while). If you follow your therapist's advice and seek support from your family and friends, the pain can sort of die down to a dull ache. It will take time. I wish you resolution and strength. Keep us updated.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8669215
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 10:21 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Hey KingofNothing, thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts. I wasn't there when my SIL confronted my wife, so I don't know all of the details, but this is what she told me:

She caught my WW and her AP at the mall. She confronted her then and there but didn't get any answers othen than "he's a friend". She didn't buy it. She shared what happened with my BIL and they both confronted my wife at our house. It took them both pressuring her for answers before she broke down crying and told them what they told me. She begged them not to tell me, but they insisted that she did. It was the next week that they both came to my house and told me.

I think my wife didn't think that they would expose her. Part of me hopes that she was still gathering the courage to tell me, but I know that's unlikely. It seems that she really was caught up on this "young again" fantasy.

[This message edited by Tacit at 4:25 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669218
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Tacit,

Sorry that you are here, friend. Great advice from the others, so I'll just be one more person to add that there is nothing that you could have done to prevent this, other than never meeting her. This is her failure alone, but unfortunately you and your children are direct casualties. It is beyond incredible how someone who is so intertwined with us can literally self-destruct without thinking anything through.....as it pertains to real ramifications.

I will say this:

She caught my WW and her AP at the mall. She confronted her then and there but didn't get any answers othen than "he's a friend". She didn't buy it. She shared what happened with my BIL and they both confronted my wife at our house. It took them both pressuring her for answers before she broke down crying and told them what they told me. She begged them not to tell me, but they insisted that she did. It was the next week that they both came to my house and told me.

You have some EXCEPTIONAL in-laws, unless there is some ulterior motive. It is not often, in all the years that I have been on here, that siblings would go to their in-law if they didn't feel their own sibling would do the right thing. Somewhere down the road, you may be able to appreciate how difficult that decision to inform you may have been. If there is one thing that you will see here among the betrayed, is that the pain of betrayal is hard enough, but to have our AGENCY taken away from us is another. Your wife took that from you; your in-laws gave it back.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8669225
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

She probably didn't tell your ILs the whole truth.

Another important point is whether she continued and still continuing the A after she was caught.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8669230
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notanotherchance ( Member #46677) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

So in between her siblings confrontation with your WW and your DD a week later she was so ashamed & distraught that she went to her cow's place and had sex with him a few more times. Seriously. There is nothing she would be able to say that would convince me to R, absolutely nothing. I would file now.

Good luck my man.

posts: 582   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2015   ·   location: Overseas
id 8669238
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:35 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I still haven't heard back from her.

So it's still been radio silence from her? Then return the same. See an attorney and file.

If I'm incorrect here and she has been reaching out, I think you need to be more explicit with your demands:

1. A written timeline. Written, not spoken. She doesn't just tell you, she writes it all down in detail.

2. She hands over her phone for retrieval of texts.

3. She provides access to all social media and email.

4. She has three days to work on the timeline. Then you review it and ask more questions. After this, you set up a polygraph to test the truthfulness of the timeline.

5. Expose not just to your SIL, but your WW's parents as well. Blow up the fantasy completley.

6. Cold turkey, hardline no contact with her AP is instituted by your WW immediately.

7. She gets a comprehensive STD/STI text immediately and gives you the results.

8. She reads "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and provides a detailed written plan for how she will implement the book's recommendations.

9. Institute a 30-day minimum therapeutic separation so you can be away from this woman and clear your head. No more drinking, except water. Start working out, lifting. Get sleep.

10. She must find another place of employment immediately, although ask your lawyer's advice because you don't want to get stuck with more alimony if she's jobless.

11. Hard 180, no pick me dance. Read up on the 180 in the SI sidebar.

12. Things to read: No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Way of the Superior Man, and Cheating in a Nutshell.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:44 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8669239
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 12:10 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Thumos. My wife has replied to me after I sent her text making all of those demands, the written timeline, access to all her devices and social media, having no contact with her AP, the STI screening and her quitting her job. She has agreed to everything. I still plan on seeing a few attorneys, just in case.

Her parents already know. They learned about it the same day that I did. She is staying at their place.

What I'm not sure about is confirming her written timeline with a polygraph test. I've always heard those things are incredibly unreliable and I wouldn't even know where to look for one where I live.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669255
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 12:17 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit,

When you speak to your attorney, I suggest you also ask them about a post-nuptual agreement. Depending on the state and how it is structured, it could be an effective tool to protect you and your assets (legally) regardless if you decide to reconcile or divorce. You could (potentially) avoid any alimony payments, gain sole ownership of your home (no sharing of equity), etc. It is at least worth a conversation.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8669257
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:24 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Tacit!
Be strong for your kids. Now is the time to ponder things, whether you're going to R or D. It's your decision to make.
If you know where that 23 year old punk works, you should also report it to his work. Or if he's married or not. From what I can see he's a single guy.
Good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669259
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 12:26 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Thank you for your input, BlueRaspberry. Unfortunately, I am not in the US and I'll admit that I am completely ignorant of my own country's and state's legsilation regarding divorce. It's one of the reasons as to why I'm going to see an attorney.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669260
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 12:59 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

I wouldn't even know where to look for one where I live.

I found the one I hired in the yellow pages (live in Canada).

Tough one convincing you on its reliability, I can see arguments both ways. You need to think about it and decide if it will help you get to the truth.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 9:09 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8669269
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

I've always heard those things are incredibly unreliable and I wouldn't even know where to look for one where I live.

In the USA they are frequently used in cases of infidelity where the WW is viewed as desperate to save their marriage (lie and/or withhold information).

They are not perfect but are still used in the USA by private companies, certain government agencies, and cases involving child molesters on parole.

It's a tool to encourage your wife to not withhold information. It doesn't matter if you trust them as long as she believes you're going to schedule the test.

You may never get to scheduling the test (if you decide to D).

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8669272
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit,

My wife has replied to me after I sent her text making all of those demands, the written timeline, access to all her devices and social media, having no contact with her AP, the STI screening and her quitting her job. She has agreed to everything. I still plan on seeing a few attorneys, just in case.

Please try to remain on the fence when it comes to your wife's response to your requirements.

She is scrambling like mad to save her marriage, her future, her retirement, and her home. If you point a gun at somebody's head, they will tell you that day is night, black is white, and two plus two equals a hundred and thirty six.

I say this because a person desperately trying not to lose everything may agree to anything for purely selfish reasons, not because they have suddenly become 100% committed to honesty and the marriage and people they betrayed. It can be entirely about them.

Your wife was busted walking around in public with her junior boyfriend, and she was not phased. He was 'a friend'. Then she got grilled by your brother and sister in law until she finally admitted what her friendship involved, and she ignored their ultimatum to confess to you.

What did she think? That no-one would say anything, and she could continue dating junior? Does that sound like someone who has seen the error of her ways?

What I am saying is that whatever you choose to do, be careful of convincing yourself that she has made a complete switch from trying to continue her affair even after she was busted to suddenly loving you madly and being totally committed to the marriage. Nobody changes that fast.

If you want to try to rebuild your relationship with her, that is a perfectly valid choice, but make her prove her commitment, and ask her why she is committing to a marriage that she abandoned to pursue a boyfriend half her age. Let her explain that until your gut tells you that what she says sounds genuine.

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8669276
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recovering2018 ( Member #63336) posted at 2:02 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit, you don't need to do the polygraph.

But given that she's agreed to your list, you should review all the available evidence to ensure she doesn't lie on her timeline or admissions. Lying or minimizing at this point would indicate that she just doesn't get it and that you should move on.

If you haven't already, instruct her not to delete anything from her phone, social media or google/apple accounts. Things like location history and app store logs are important tools in verifying the story. Her deleting history after being told not to would be a deal breaker.

_________________________________

Me- H/BS 50s
Her- WW 40s
Married 20+ years with minor children
D-Day 2017, 6 week EA

posts: 94   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2018   ·   location: United States
id 8669278
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barkplugs ( New Member #74667) posted at 2:13 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

My wife has replied to me after I sent her text making all of those demands, the written timeline, access to all her devices and social media, having no contact with her AP, the STI screening and her quitting her job. She has agreed to everything.

You are officially behind the curve on this because you 1) aren't in her presence and 2) can't get to her phone.

This matters because she can spend all the time she wants covering her tracks so you can't see her messages. She can delete apps. She can delete texts. She can dispose of a burner phone.

Have her tell you how they communicated, what apps if more than just phone calls. Verify the call history and texts with your mobile provider. I don't know android devices, but if she uses an iPhone, get into her App Store and look at her Purchase history since it shows all the apps she's ever downloaded using that account. Dig for gold, brother.

If she's got a facebook account, don't let her delete it before you have a chance to download a backup of her messages (its in the settings). This wont always get you what you want, but if she's not tech savvy then you might uncover some more bullshit.

I'm sure there's some forensic links around and other experts to help you with the rest.

Since she left, she's had lots of time to prepare, spin, delete and craft. Turns your veins to ice, pry, prod, verify and make sure your boundaries don't tolerate blameshifting and rugsweeping.

REMEMBER: You are gathering this info to make the best decision you can for yourself. Not knowing details robs you of this ability. If you can't stand the unknown for the next 20 years, then do what you need to do to get answers.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2020
id 8669280
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