Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Feeling defeated


BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021


Another reason to inform the OBS is to help end the affair and potentially kick your wife out of the affair fog. Affairs thrive in secrecy and shining a bright light on it by informing the OBS as well as family kills the fantasy and thrill.

Earlier, you stated

I want our marriage. I want our family. I wanted her then but I don't want her now and I'm at a Mexican standoff.

You are obviously still conflicted about whether you still want the marriage or not. You may not even know at this point if you could get over this betrayal assuming (big assumption) she comes to her senses. If you proceed with divorce and inform the OBS and family, you control the narrative about why it occurred. If you proceed with reconciliation (assuming that is what both you and your wife want), you get her out of the affair ASAP. Either way, transparency is the way to go.

If you are interested in reconciliation, do NOT offer it right way. Serve her with divorce papers then observe how she reacts. If you can get IC for yourself to deal with this trauma, I recommend you do that as well. The IC can help you process the trauma and determine next steps.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8668896

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 4:40 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Do not show any signs of emotion during the confrontation. Pretend you're in a job interview. Keep it short and don't engage her.

Informing OBS is something often recommended here. I often recommend it too. The justification generally put forward is "she deserves the truth". I think this is political correctness. It's not a bad thing to let someone know the truth, but it's not necessarily our job, and in any case. I don't look at it from that angle. I'm in favor of it because it works.

This, first of all, allows WS and AP to return to reality and begin to face the consequences of their fairy tale. They see how they can throw each other under the bus, how all those "if circumstances were different" "ending together" words are reversed 180 degrees.

It also gives BSs control over the A. They feel mentally stronger.

And, of course, it also provides a kind of relief from taking revenge. The person who contributed to the destruction of your family is faced with the same situation.

I think these are much more solid reasons than "she deserves the truth".

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8668898

Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Please inform OBS. You can inform without being cruel.

I didn't on DDay1. I had a lot of people [outside of SI] convince me it was the right thing to do.

All that accomplished was the LTA going underground and DDays2/3.

Tell the OBS. And don't tell anyone you are going to do so. Just do it - offer proof - and slowly back away.

My script went something like this:

OBS - my name is Chaos. Your wife [insert name here] and my husband Mr Chaos have been having an affair. It started [insert date here] was discovered [insert date here]. I just found out that it never ended and is still ongoing. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry.

And I heard words I that both shocked me and didn't surprise me at all - OBS told me "you aren't the first upset wife I've ever talked to"

Please don't make the same mistake I did.

Tell. Let the chips fall where they may.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8668902

swmnbc ( Member #49344) posted at 5:06 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Sending strength to you for the task ahead of you tonight.

I wonder if your own ambivalence is impacting your feelings about telling the BW. Just remember that what you are fighting against accepting is the changed reality of your marriage., and not knowing about it doesn't change that reality. Affairs are wrong because they deny betrayed spouses of informed consent. No one has a right to make decisions that impact your health and future without your knowledge. "I wish I had never found out" is really a misdirected lament of "I wish you had never done this to me." It is the message that's the problem, not the messenger.

But I would table these thoughts for now. You don't need to make a decision one way or another. You can put on your own oxygen mask as you take these big steps and worry about handing the BW her mask when you have the bandwidth for it

One thing to note when you confront is where your wife's concern is. Is she worried about you and your kids, or is she worrying about the impact to AP. If she begs you not to tell his wife, that will tell you a lot about her priorities and thinking. It shows you that deep down she knows that the "we should have stayed together" talk was all fantasy and grass-is-greener-ism. She knows that when push comes to shove he will chuck her, and she wants the option to stay in the affair longer.

I'm not a super fan of generalizations, but several years of reading on affairs have revealed some. First is that for married, heterosexual APs, you often find that it's an "exit affair" for the female AP and "cake eating" for the male AP. I've read dozens of stories of women who wind up leaving their marriage and men who stay. Surely cultural norms and finances impact that. Another that would take you in the opposite direction is that long-lost sweethearts do have a higher (though still dismal) chance of making it in the long run, maybe because there's an element of compatibility and shared longing for youth. But you are, of course, your own person in your situation, sadly joining the rest of us in this "tale as old as time."

We'll all be pulling for you tonight.

posts: 1747   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8668906

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 5:09 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I'd say to tell OBS but to do it strategically. If you R, tell her immediately. If you D, talk to your lawyer first and figure out if you have reason to wait. Who knows. Maybe your WW really does want out and to be free to see OM. Telling too soon may turn an agreeable D into a contentious D. If that's the case, wait until the D is settled before telling.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8668907

goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 5:31 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Looks like she is back to her teen year lala land. And the ex BF OM is feeding it.

The steps may go like this. WS tell the AP the problems in the marriage (all marriages have problems, gaps). Which is a blue print for the scheming AP to start the process. All he has to do is nicely respond to the "complaints". The WW think she has never met a more caring person. Once the reality strikes the dream world collapses.

Looks like she is also emotionally involved. Do not tell her what you saw in the texts. See how she describes the nature of the affair and how emotional she gets when you ask for the details of the OM

Most probably OM will hasten to save his back leaving your family shattered for ever. For anyone this is great shock as you have been building a future together. But worse things happen to people. As you are already doing only effective way is to work towards the best outcome from the fallout. You may not require this but the following may help:

In youtube: ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma's short talk on attachment and clinging.

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8668911

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

IMO you need to make arrangements for the kids for at least this evening (and probably longer).

IMO your wife will initially say they're just friends, act insulted and/or even call you crazy or jealous. Don't be surprised if she insists they just talked in the hotel (yes we've heard that too).

However, once she realizes you know and are divorcing her - she will then totally collapse. Fall on the floor crying hysterically or block the doorway and beg you not to leave.

If she mentions suicide, call 911 (don't try to deal with it yourself).

Don't expect her to be able to care for your kids until she calms down which may take more than just one evening.

Don't disclose your sources of information or identify the mistakes she made in covering her tracks. You may need it to monitor R.

Experience shows us that Ex HS boyfriends are very high risk. And it's a common story, including the texts lamenting about being together. Your wife's affair (every stage) is very typical.

IMO you will ultimately find the OM means nothing to her. He was just a tool who was available to create a romantic fantasy around.

IMO your wife's affair is 100% fantasy (based on a carefree feel young again HS relationship) that allowed her to escape the daily grind of 4 kids ... and something she compartmentalized just for her amusement - thinking you will never find out (or get hurt).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:03 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668919

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

With respect to notifying the OBS.

Yes, regardless of whether you D or R, do it immediately without informing your wife.


1 - nothing kills a fantasy/affair like exposure

2- the OBS is your best ally in monitoring future contact

3 - the OBS is probably going crazy wondering why her husband is distant and criticizing her all the time. That nothing she does is good enough.

4 - the OM deserves to have his world blown up

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668923

Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Please reconsider telling this other woman.

ASoreLoser, no matter how you want to spin it in your mind, she deserves to know the truth!!

Even though it's painful, again she deserves to know what's going on behind her back JUST AS YOU DID.

This loser husband of hers could pass along an std to her. Who knows if he's screwing her over (and his kids) financially?

There's a story on another site where a guys wife was cheating on him, the OM wife didn't tell the OBS, and when she finally did she gave him damning evidence (part of it was the two of them walking out of a hotel room together with his wife smiling).

He confronted his wife and she continued to lie but then he showed her the photo. He was done, ready to walk away and then he finds out that she's now pregnant with a baby and it's his (not the OM). He's still divorcing her but his wife purposely wanted to get pregnant by him after her affair ended.

Don't you think he would have liked to know his wife had a affair before he found out she was now pregnant with his baby??

I know you're hurting, take care of your business but please tell this woman what her husband is doing. Let her decide what's best for her and her kids.

It's also why you need to tell her soon because there's a strong chance that your wife is going to tell this loser that you now know and he's going to be in damage control and he more than likely will tell his wife that you're a crazy lunatic, a wife beater, and that you have some crazy notion that he's sleeping with your wife. To stay away from you!!

Or he'll be monitoring her emails, the mail, her phone etc to cut off you reaching her directly to tell her what's going on.

If you're not going to tell her before you confront your wife tonight please tell her first thing tomorrow!!

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8668956

ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Robert’s posts are spot on. We read so many stories and those scenarios are very common.

It’s imperative that you bring her back to reality. Hundreds of stories tell us that informing the OBS is part of that process.

Don’t expect her to be a remorseful spouse who does everything right to save the marriage on disclosure e. She’ll be like a drowning person attempting to save her life.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8668958

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:25 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I agree on Robert's post, 100%...
They gave you hell, give it back to them!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668997

BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021


How did your meeting with your wife go last night? Did you confront/serve her? How did she react?

Keep your chin up. You did NOT deserve this and are not responsible for your wife's immoral/poor choices.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8669286

Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 5:00 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Strength to you in your trying time.

How did the confrontation go?

Please tell the OMW she has the right to know!

This wan never a mistake they were tested before it started so no excuse there.

One day at a time


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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 10:22 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

So any updates???

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8669495

 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 6:10 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Throughout the months I have known of my wife's affair, I have come to an understanding that life is inherently neutral.

Evil, good, etc. are constructs. A lion doesn’t kill because it’s evil. It kills because it's hungry. The antelope don’t view the lion as evil. The antelope just wants to survive. The feeling of grief, hurt, and pain that I’m feeling are purely human constructs. These are “complex” human emotions haphazardly labeling animalistic primal urges of anger, jealousy, and rage. What she did was animalistic too; selfish fulfillment of need. Forgiveness, however, is what separates us from being described as "animals". The ability to overcome these constructs allows us to show true love, through kindness. It is the unique capacity of people. Some people forgive, but some people don't and that's because some people are worthy of your forgiveness and some people aren't. I will survive this like that antelope. I know someday, somehow, I will be able to forgive - because I am human. Today? I just want to forget.

My sister came over to pick up the kids, they were having a pajama party with their cousins. God bless my sister and BIL for babysitting 6 sugar-rushed kids, only God knows... My wife agreed because I told her that so we could have "alone time".

I set up my spare phone and hid a dictaphone on me. I prepared a nice dinner that took longer than expected. We ate. We talked about mundane stuff. Then serious stuff. Then I talked about how I valued everything that we built, Our connection, and both of our hard work (her being a SAHM and me an overachieving dad), that I was thankful for her. She couldn't manage to look me in the eyes. All she managed to say was yes and a few mmmhmmms. And the occasional "I feel that too". I then quickly asked her "Do you feel the same way with Phillip (AP)".

Well, it started there, She denied EVERYTHING. I asked for her phone and she was even taunting me that I was crazy and that he was an ex. I knew about that secret alias "Janice" and when I asked her about Janice, boom! Deer in the headlights that lasted for about a minute. That quickly turned to "It's not what you think", "I was lonely", "It was nothing", and many more excuses that went right over my head. I asked her about a specific text that hurt me the most. She texted, "I wish it was you and me against the world instead.". I asked her if she regrets marrying me, if she hates the life I've given her, and if she hates me. She was just shaking her head while crying on her knees. I've listened to the recording a few times and I still can't understand what she's saying. After a lot of crying, apologizing, and what seems to be trickle-truthing and blameshifting after, I managed to get through to her and say that I know more than she thinks and I want to separate and I already have a lawyer and he has already drafted divorce papers. I told her I have an apartment 10 mins away set up and I will be moving there soon, that we both need space to process this. She screamed! I have never seen a woman scream before, not to mention, my wife. She just laid down on the floor crying and apologizing profusely and I had to help her up. I called her parents and they spoke to her. While they were talking, I left. This whole thing lasted for 5 hours.

Immediately after, she was texting me where I was and that to please come back to talk. She was also apologizing. I replied that we need space and I will be living in the apartment for a few. Visiting the kids occasionally. I talked to my sister and explained the situation more and how the confrontation went.

The next day, still a lot of messages coming from my wife. To my Facebook, personal email, work email, and even the email I used for this site. She knows all my contact. It is like what you guys said. A lot of promises and apologies.

I messaged AP's wife on Facebook, and surprisingly enough she already suspected. She suspected a few hours before I told her and with the evidence, I gave to her, There was no denying it. It turns out AP was on thin ice with his wife, Their marriage is failing because this was not his first affair. A few hours later I got a text from AP blaming me for telling her and being a "fucking loser". He was teasing me about my manhood, fatherhood, and bragging about how he is a better man than me and how he fucked my wife. He was mad because I gave his wife the final reason why she should divorce him. He threatened that he could beat me up and I'm not ashamed to say I taunted him and even dared him that I would beat his ass. Yeah... We got into a heated argument and I will skip the profanities. Then he hung up. I'm not going to lie, what he said hurt.

After that conversation with AP I was so enraged I went back to the house and told my wife what the AP said to me. More profanities from me. I really showed my wife hell. Then I calmed down and we talked again. More crying and begging and promises. I asked about the affair. It started when things started to open up and AP liked her post from 2 years ago and showed on her notification. But when I ask about the messages and the sex, she just lies. I don't know why she won't just tell me the truth? Why stab me slowly woman? I turned the conversation about the kids and proposed to her the logistics of how are things going to be, separation and co-parenting, etc. From me berating her quickly turned to a more transactional type of conversation. She begged me to not divorce her and a lot more excuses. And I shit you not, AP turned up at my house not know whether the kids would be there or not. He was banging on my door taunting. He was shouting profanities at me and I am not one to back down from a fight, especially with a guy who fucked my wife. It was basically a gift. We fought outside in my door which escalated towards the middle of the street. It was pretty even. I got a few bruises, scratches, bloody gums. He got a broken nose and some other shit I hope leaves a mark. My wife was just screaming at us until the neighbors and passersby stopped us and called the cops. I was actually the one who initiated the fight. My wife explained the situation and surprisingly they weren't putting us on a misdemeanor. I am now talking to my lawyer about this and right now the cops just issued an RO on both of us.

My In-laws called, My FIL understands but still, I sense that he is trying to protect his daughter. Who can blame him? My MIL, however, apologized and was disappointed in her. She hopes for us the best and hopes that we can work this out for the best of the kids.

Recently my wife called to tell me the kids came home. I reassured her that I would not do anything that would harm the kids and I hope she does the same. We talked more, The usual apologizing from her but she still wouldn't tell the truth. She says he means nothing but according to the texts, he was the one that got away. She doesn't sound too good, I don't think she can take care of the kids for now so I'm thinking of sending them away to my in-laws in the meantime.

My sister and BIL came over to my apartment after dropping off the kids and brought food and a housewarming gift. We talked and they offered support basically.

I called OBS and referred her to my lawyer, she says she already has one and I told her to keep the number if she needs any information, just contact him. We talked about my fight with AP. She thanked me for that.

It feels good I stood up for 2 women. That was my only victory.

It's bizarre to see and hear your wife in a state of fear. As husbands, it's our duty - a privilege even, to protect, serve, and satisfy our spouses. I saw her beg and plead. It hurts to see her like that. Maybe that's a good thing and that means I'm not too far gone. But I have to remind myself that today, she's the enemy.

I need rest. And I need my kids.

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 12:14 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8669560

 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 6:18 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I'm sorry I wasn't able to update sooner, While I was writing it, more things keep on happening. I thought I finally get to have rest and heal but it's the opposite.

I have an STD test tomorrow and I'm thinking of getting therapy for my kids.

When should I tell my wife my demands? Like therapy, IC, and stuff?

What's next?

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8669563

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 6:30 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021


Good job for standing your ground! You're a BigWinner! Salute from a fellow who was also betrayed!
Whatever your actions next will be a difficult path. Divorce is a messy event! I believe your firm in that path reading from your stories.

If you live in an at-fault state, and want to go nuclear on AP, go ahead! He destroyed your life, you may destroy his. Report him to his work for having illicit affair. I'm pretty sure there's some passages in their policy that does not encourage it.

Again, salute to you and all the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669566

oldmanchris ( New Member #78645) posted at 6:37 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

ASL - I’m not one for rabble rousing but there’s not a single member here who doesn’t wish that we could have been there on the sidelines (lining the street) cheering for you.

So, now that you’ve got that stress off your back, HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Be descriptive, please.

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8669567

BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 6:45 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021


Wow, that went sideways pretty quick. I think you handled the discussion with your wife pretty well.

You state

When should I tell my wife my demands? Like therapy, IC, and stuff?

Before anyone can answer that, you need to help us understand what you want. Are you committed to divorce? Or, are you open to reconciliation? I would NOT promise reconciliation at this time. Your wife has NOT told you the complete truth, determined why she chose to have an affair and how she can prevent it in the future. In short, she has not earned it.

In the interim, I would recommend she send the OM a NC text/e-mail/letter and block him on all platforms - you should see/approve the message. Given the fact the OM showed up at your home and got into a fight with you, I would also recommend she issue a RO against him as well. If she refuses, that tells you where her feelings lie.

In the next week, she needs to write out a complete timeline of her affair detailing everything that happened and what she was feeling. You can have her read it to you to help drive the point that what she did was incredibly selfish and immoral. It might also help if she wrote a letter of admission and apology to those she has harmed - OBS, you, your family. She should also find an IC that specializes in infidelity and start to work on the reasons for her poor choices and what she can do to prevent it in the future.

Your divorce filing should proceed and you should make it clear that there is no guarantee you will not finalize the divorce regardless of what she does. However, if she does not comply with your demands, the divorce will definitely happen.

I am sure others will have other suggestions. Good luck to you!

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 12:56 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8669570

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:06 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Right now your wife is only sorry for getting caught. There are no excuses for her behavior. While the AP is a part of this your wife is the main culprit.

Sorry you went through this.

For an attempt at a successful R you need:

No contact with her AP.

The truth.

A remorseful spouse.

Sorry man but right now she is not R material. You don’t want a repeat and go through this again. Now you know the capability is there and repeats happen.

Even if you have the basics there are no guarantees this will work out long term.

Its early. Infidelity is a lifelong gift. Can you live with that? Better be thinking long term.

Do not offer reconciliation until you’ve had time to think this through. Do not jump into marriage counseling. The marriage isn’t broken she is. Marriage counselors are notorious rug sweepers and may cause more damage than help. Beware.

A lot in your situation just want them back. What will you be getting back?

Expect her parents to side with her. Blood is thicker than water plus they are not going to want the responsibility of helping her out.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:10 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

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id 8669595
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