My kids went to my in-laws and would be staying there for a while because my wife couldn't handle taking care of the kids.
I met OBS on friday and I showed her the email that AP sent my wife and she told me that she already saw them. AP apparently showed them to her to prove that "he's changed" or trying to. Then we went to my home so my wife could meet her. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, my wife made lunch but OBS didn't stay to eat, she was just there to listen to what WW had to say. While WW poured her heart out from what I could tell a well-written apology, the conversation was still cold between them.
OBS was kind enough to reply with a neutral tone. She wasn't mad but still demeaning. OBS told her that while WW had a husband striving for her, she chose to ruin her life with POS OM that was a cheat. OBS asked W if the sex was worth it, and the experience of having an affair worth our 4 kid's stability? OBS said that she doesn't blame WW for OBS's marriage because that was POS OM's fault but she was disgusted at her for the part that she played in it, and WW didn't deserve a man like me. [This is where I got nervous]. OBS told WW that she tried to see what kind of husband I am to be able to sabotage a marriage for POS and that she tried her best to seduce me but it didn't work, and that only proves my dedication to WW [OBS kind of implied that something happened between us]. OBS told WW that despite the fact that WW is an idiot for ruining her life, that she envies WW because she will never experience going through a pregnancy alone and has not yet experienced having a cheating husband. OBS never cussed throughout the conversation but her words left scars on WW and helped heal my wounds.
After that, I called an Uber for OBS she went on her way. When I got back in, I went to the living room and WW just hugged me and cried in my arms for what feels like hours. My shirt was dripping with tears and snot. I had to comfort her. It seems OBS really got through her. She told me she read the books was willing to do anything.
When she composed herself we talked about AP's email and our reply. She threatened AP that she would be taking legal action if he contacts her again. I also reminded WW that if she even ever looks at AP that everything we're doing here is done. WW's also told me that she's found an IC and MC who is the same therapist. She also was negative for STD.
We had sex, multiple times. She wanted to and I wanted to. I guess I needed to re-establish my "ownership" of her, I know it sounds bad but it really is what I feel.
How do I feel? Unsafe and Uncertain. It's like traversing your way at night through the kitchen when the power is out. You can't see anything and you have to carefully use your other senses to navigate your way around. It's doable but it's hard. I have been using my eyes my whole life and now it feels like somebody took them away from me and I had to cop a feel through every crevice to know where I am. In short, lost but surviving.
I too have desires and constantly want to "touch". But I was always able to control myself which puts me at an advantage compared to others. I love the feeling of sex and passion and lust. Earlier before I found out about WW's affair, I was always trying to initiate not exactly sex but intimate moments with my wife with the free time that I have, but it went dry and drier until I forgot how good it felt. I missed it.
I don't see my wife as the enemy anymore. I just feel pity for her. I know I can walk away from this and I'll have control of my own life. Yes, I will take a huge financial hit but it's not everything in life. I'm in no way dependent on my wife, I just trust her to take care of the kids. We both chose for her to be a SAHM. I can walk away and still remarry and there would be no guarantee of anything - only what I make of it, and if my wife is truly what she says she is? I can try and work with that.
I used to see her as this perfect queen that I have to please, but now I see her as a normal person with flaws just like me. I now see her mistakes clearly and I see her trying to right those mistakes. I hope what she is doing is genuine and is not just a front. I am the kind of guy that gives second chances, so why can't I give a second chance to my wife? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger right? I just hope my wife won't cheat on me again or worse - kill me. I guess we'll know through her actions. I hope she doesn't mistake my kindness as weakness. I can only hope.
I do think she's doing the work, not as clear, not as perfect, and not as precise but she puts in the effort. If I were to judge her progress, it definitely needs improvement. But so far she lets me guide her through what I need. She is making mistakes along the way, but she is also eager to correct them. As far as I know, she has given me all the information I need. I now have seen her in her "rock bottom", which triggers my white night personality. So far, the only problem we have was the contact with AP and she seems to understand and agree on how inexcusable and inappropriate that is. I have assured her that if she ever disrespects me like that again that I would "find myself another woman to be a step-mom to our kids while she goes to be with that cheating POS". That scared the living shit out of her. It gives me hope.
Most people would tell me that WW is faking it and I should run the other way. Maybe they are right, maybe not. One thing for sure is, I owe my kids to try, and that in itself is enough reason why. I am now trying to accept what happened, this is my life and if the person who mattered the most in my life, can hurt me more than anyone ever could, then so be it, "to err is human, forgive divine.". Even if it doesn't work out, then truly I will have my closure.
The affair? still feels like it happened yesterday. But me? I feel like I have gained 10 years of experience from emotional turmoil which made me a little jaded but capable.
I admittedly have my own contributions to the downfall of my marriage, I am not going to deny that I could've done this or that. But I also understand that my wife's affair is entirely hers and I hold no responsibility for that - if my wife wants to fix it then sure, she can try. I won't make it easy though.
I'm still on the divorce train, but I'll be honest, I'm rooting for my wife to make shit right again, but if she can't, then there's nothing we can do but go our separate ways.
Some of you might think that I'm letting my WW off easy, but this is what is currently on my mind. I want to be transparent to you guys.
OBS called me today to check up on how WW took it. I thanked OBS for putting me in a good light but I told her that telling WW of our interaction was unnecessary and would possibly hurt both of us and take out our moral high ground. OBS reassured me that it was absolutely necessary to tell WW that and WW needed to know that to wake her up. We caught up on AP, he is still kicked out. OBS told me that she could take AP to the cleaners even though it is a no-fault state because AP is an alcoholic and she could argue to take the kids full time, hence more child support and alimony payments. I invited OBS for dinner at my place but she declined. I hope her the best and to stay in touch. I told her that I may not ever be in a place in my life to understand what she is going through but I am there for her. She thanked me.
WW and I have agreed that I would stay at my apartment Mon-Thurs and go home Fri-Sat. We would go slow while respecting her need to make it up to me and my need to have space.
If there's any typo, I hope you can sort them out.
[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 8:24 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]