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feelingthenoose ( member #35328) posted at 12:10 AM on Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

It seems to be a police order which only last about 72 hours. These are not criminal but can be made permanent by court order.

Thanks for explaining. That's a relief.

Despite my brawl with him last week and her begging and promises upon d-day, she is still talking to him...

Already? I'd spend this weekend moving into the apartment. You deserve better than to be someone's Plan B. That's what this looks like to me. I'm sorry. Stay strong. You're worth more than how she's treating you right now, and one day she'll look back and kick herself for not realizing it.

posts: 881   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2012
id 8672089
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 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 10:05 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I went home to see the kids Friday night, I picked them up and spent our evening without their mom. After I got the kids exhausted, we went home and I put them to bed. I noticed my wife was all dolled up, make-up and everything. I even saw on our credit card that she went shopping and to a salon and spent $400 that day. I asked her about that and she said that she got a babysitter from an agency. I asked her when did we get a designated babysitter. It turns out that the "Pediatric physical therapist" that I was paying for every Tuesday to help my kids with their "motor skills" was actually just a babysitter my wife uses to get some "alone time". I was livid but I quickly composed myself as I wasn't surprised she is capable of these things. She told me that she is trying to be honest and not try to hide anything and that's the reason she told me. It was actually a legitimate PPT but then the kids didn't need them anymore so she took advantage of the situation and pretended it was still going on and just got a babysitter instead.

I didn't let it get to my head as we have to go over a lot of things. I asked her if she was still in contact with OM. She admitted it, what she said was the truth. She said that OM was in a really low place and she felt guilty because of the part she played in it. She thought that she should at least let him down slowly. I asked her about what I feel. In the end, we sent OM an NC and she blocked him on "all" her social media - we'll see about that.

She gave me the timeline letter which is adequately detailed. There isn't anything that I didn't already expect besides the unprotected sex. There were the places they had done it and how many times. She also explained that there was some form of emotional attachment because she felt overwhelmed with 4 kids and that I wasn't really present with her. She said she needed my help not specifically physically but emotionally. She had felt that the most important things in my life were my job and kids and she felt neglected. Then OM came and her weakness let her succumb to his advances.

We talked about the divorce briefly, she asked for mediation but I told her that mediation only works if we're on good terms. She asked, "are we not on good terms?". I told her that it's up to her. She begged me to let her fix this and not go through with this too fast. She said that the IC for her and MC is taking a little bit of time due to my request for the counselor to have experience with infidelity.

Throughout the night she looked beautiful, but her voice was raspy, low, and weak. I could tell that she is feeling shame.

I told her that I'm tired and I just want to watch the news and rest. I told her I'm sleeping on the couch. I pulled about a bottle and of course, she initiated and tried to have sex with me. She asked if we could just cuddle instead she is feeling lonely and that she missed my body and my smell. I thought about it, but it wasn't a good idea. Instead, we just watched tv until we both fell asleep on the couch.

The next day my wife made breakfast and she asked me if she could contact OBS, I told her that she can do whatever she likes. I also asked her to consider getting a part-time job. She told me that she's worried about the kids because school is about to start again soon but she told me if that's what I really want then we'll make it work. I see her point though.

OBS asked to meet, she reconsidered reconciling with that POS because everything is too much for her because she's pregnant. I offered her support but she declined and just thanked me for the gesture. She wanted to know all the details to see if she can forgive that POS again. Turn out POS is doing all the right things with her but she is just not sure. I feel bad for OBS. I also told her that my wife asked me if they could meet. OBS said she'll think about it.

I met my lawyer and we went through the offer again. I gotta say, child support combined with alimony and misc. expenses payments really is a bitch. What the hell happened to the justice system? They think just because I work in a bank that I make bank?? I hate family court. She's going to have half of the equity, half of my retirement, even some of my investments! Oh and if she does get a lawyer? I'll be paying for it!

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8672477
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:28 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I noticed my wife was all dolled up, make-up and everything. I even saw on our credit card that she went shopping and to a salon and spent $400 that day. I asked her about that and she said that she got a babysitter from an agency. I asked her when did we get a designated babysitter. It turns out that the "Pediatric physical therapist" that I was paying for every Tuesday to help my kids with their "motor skills" was actually just a babysitter my wife uses to get some "alone time".

Nope it’s for AP time.

I didn't let it get to my head as we have to go over a lot of things. I asked her if she was still in contact with OM. She admitted it, what she said was the truth. She said that OM was in a really low place and she felt guilty because of the part she played in it. She thought that she should at least let him down slowly. I asked her about what I feel. In the end, we sent OM an NC and she blocked him on "all" her social media - we'll see about that.

My bullshit meter just spiked.

She asked, "are we not on good terms?". I told her that it's up to her. She begged me to let her fix this and not go through with this too fast. She said that the IC for her and MC is taking a little bit of time due to my request for the counselor to have experience with infidelity.

Please, you aren’t buying this are you?

OBS asked to meet, she reconsidered reconciling with that POS because everything is too much for her because she's pregnant. I offered her support but she declined and just thanked me for the gesture. She wanted to know all the details to see if she can forgive that POS again. Turn out POS is doing all the right things with her but she is just not sure. I feel bad for OBS. I also told her that my wife asked me if they could meet. OBS said she'll think about it.

Sorry man but.

She’s getting the same BS “sorry I got caught” you are.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:38 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672478
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:35 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Wow! The justice system kinda suck!
It seems like POSOM gets a second lease of life. I pity OBS, she has no choice now. She'll just suck it up until after she gives birth.
Did your WW got her STD results already? I believe that's one of your conditions with her, correct?
If you file under adultery would POS also be included? Would she still have half of your assets and everything?

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672479
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 10:54 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

She also explained that there was some form of emotional attachment because she felt overwhelmed with 4 kids and that I wasn't really present with her. She said she needed my help not specifically physically but emotionally. She had felt that the most important things in my life were my job and kids and she felt neglected. Then OM came and her weakness let her succumb to his advances.

She will need to take responsibility for her actions instead of blaming you. Otherwise, how can you trust her again? Say she works part time. Some one where she works gives her compliments. And she succumbs because “you can’t seem to get over her A”. See how it works?

She should have had a talk with you or divorce you but she chose to cheat. Her decision, her responsibility.

As for alimony and child support, you can’t avoid that, your children will need food on table, a place to live etc…

I was in a similar situation. You lose 1/2 your stuff, investments etc… and the longer you wait, the more painful it is. but for that part, when I started dating again, I pre-screened for professional women only, eventually got married and now live a very confortable life. If I D again, I pay nothing.

Child support eventually stopped. My XWW now lives in a mobile home. I travel the world

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:59 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8672481
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:36 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Justice well that is the perception of the individual.

You have taken the first of many steps down the road of your recovery be it R or D that fork in your road will be your call.

I am perplexed that you are ok with the contact between your WW and her POS so he is in a better place.

What about you? And your children?

Keep up the IC, exercise the best you can as it is a great stress release. Drink water and most of all communicate. Talk to your children about life as they pick up on things. Talk to WW about everything but don’t do any rug sweeping. Make her accountable as she was invested in being Mr & Mrs POS. Those dis respectful things she and he said about you, now she is just try to get you to believe that this was just a fantasy.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8672482
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:37 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

She also explained that there was some form of emotional attachment because she felt overwhelmed with 4 kids and that I wasn't really present with her. She said she needed my help not specifically physically but emotionally. She had felt that the most important things in my life were my job and kids and she felt neglected. Then OM came and her weakness let her succumb to his advances.

The above is a perfect example how cheaters all seems to read/talk from the same book.

Your wife's response is a typical cheater response.

- she's basically saying that if you paid her more attention and she didn't have 4 kids, then she wouldn't have cheated. That's blame shifting.

- It's like saying she just had a bad day vs saying the adultery was caused by a deep flaw in her character that must be fixed. As long as she ignores she's broken inside she's high risk to repeat (and for the same reason).

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672483
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:42 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I recall that you mentioned earlier that your friends don't believe in monogamy and aren't sympathetic to your situation.

Is that true of your wife's friends?

Is there anyone that knew of the affair while it was going on?

What's your wife's attitude toward sex with the OM and it's impact on you personally? Does she think that after a few weeks you'll just get over it and forget about it?

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672484
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:48 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

The cost of divorce is very significant, but so is the cost of living with someone you don't trust.

If someday you remarry a successful professional woman, the financial loss will be less damaging to your standard of living. Plus child support isn't forever.

btw: Has your wife read the books?

btw: What reason did you wife provide the OM as her reason to cheat?

What reason did the OM tell her for cheating? You could pass that on to the OBS.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672485
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 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 12:47 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I'm in no way fine about her still being in contact with POS. When I asked her about it I pretended I didn't know and when she admitted it I went down on her and she just listened.

I had cut off contact with some of my friends. Regarding my wife's friedns? I'm not really familiar with them, I'll talk to my wife about this.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8672487
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 1:01 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I hope you are not buying any of what she is saying. I get the feeling she is sure you won't leave her no matter what she does. She feels entitled to money, free time and whatever she wants at anyone's expense, including you and he children. She is reading from the cheaters handbook. Instead of reading about how to help your spouse heal she is reading how to be a total dick to your betrayed spouse when they want to take away your gravy train and boyfriend.

She was more concerned about AP healing than you. She literally admitted to more contacted and BLAMED YOU. Please don't believe a word out of her mouth.

She can show her remorse by making divorce easy and favorable to you. It will be expensive but she can make it fair and less painful to you.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8672488
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:13 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Anyone that knew of the affair and failed to discourage it are not considered a friend to your marriage. Therefore, she must go NC forever. That's one of the few consequences for her decision to cheat.

Your wife seems to not understand that IC is not a magic bullet. Trust is a foundation to a marriage and she's destroyed it entirely. And she can't fix the marriage until she fixes herself first.

Has she read the books yet?

With respect to rebuilding trust, she's continued to be untrustworthy:

1 - contact with the OM (btw: she used one of two typical excuses ...so is 'we need closure').

It's evidence that she's still in the affair fog.

They typically make contact again because they brainwashed themselves to think they have real feelings (including commitment) for each other.

It takes time and NC for that mindset to evaporate.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:13 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672489
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I forget to say how sorry I am for the disappointment and pain from your last chat with her.

Recovery from adultery is a messy painful process regardless of whether you decide to D or R.

Hopefully, someday your wife will acknowledge how she has scarred you for life (in multiple ways).

And how totally inappropriate she was to continue to reach out to the OM (for any reason) after the vile things he said on the phone; and his follow up attempt to humiliate/attack you in your home in front of your wife and kids (he didn't know they weren't home).

Plus he's a serial cheater, including cheating on his pregnant wife.

The OM is a true self centered low life that does not deserve any consideration.

Don't be surprised if it takes a year or more for that to hit her.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672493
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 2:09 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

It turns out that the "Pediatric physical therapist" that I was paying for every Tuesday to help my kids with their "motor skills" was actually just a babysitter my wife uses to get some "alone time".

She complains about your hard work, but she doesn't hesitate to use what you've provided her. Did she express her gratitude for this before? Maybe she was spending her "alone time" with AP.

She said that OM was in a really low place and she felt guilty because of the part she played in it.

Then OM came and her weakness let her succumb to his advances.

There is a contradiction. If the AP who initiated it and propelled it forward, she was simply a victim of her weakness, why would she feel responsible for the AP's situation as if there weren't any more important things to worry about right now.

Why didn't she show this thoughtfulness for you and your children before destroying her family?

There was nothing in their messaging to indicate that the AP was low place. The fact that she knows this shows that they talked on the phone, I guess.

The A aside, it's really disgusting that she's still able to do that after all the AP's humiliating and emasculating words to you and your fight. Can't she think of it herself, is this really something you should warn her about? (Btw, it occurred to me that she might be the source of what AP said. If not in their texts, in their meetings she may have praised his manhood and insulted yours.)

And all that, I was alone, you neglected me bullshit; don't buy her blameshifting. If everything was that bad, now it's worse. Why doesn't she want a divorce? If the solution to that problem was to sleep with someone else, is the solution to the current situation to sleep with more men?

She begged me to let her fix this and not go through with this too fast.

So you weren't the problem? Will she fix you?

she asked me if she could contact OBS

Did she say why? Obviously she'll apologize to her. But is there any other purpose? Does she want to fix their marriage too? For whose sake, OBS or AP? Is she still trying to do something for him?

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8672494
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

<Did she say why? Obviously she'll apologize to her. But is there any other purpose? Does she want to fix their marriage too? For whose sake, OBS or AP? Is she still trying to do something for him?> Guvensiz

Yeah, this is a meeting you really should sit in on - F2F and not on the phone.

[This message edited by oldmanchris at 9:08 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8672505
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

ASoreLoser,

You state

I met my lawyer and we went through the offer again. I gotta say, child support combined with alimony and misc. expenses payments really is a bitch. What the hell happened to the justice system? They think just because I work in a bank that I make bank?? I hate family court. She's going to have half of the equity, half of my retirement, even some of my investments! Oh and if she does get a lawyer? I'll be paying for it!

Perhaps your lawyer could draft a much more favorable post-nuptial agreement and you could lead with that instead of the divorce settlement. You could frame it as one of the steps necessary for reconciliation. If your wife is capable of gainful employment, why is alimony necessary? If she committed the affair, why should she be entitled to your investments? You and your wife will likely both need attorneys to review the post-nuptial but if your wife continues to claim she is remorseful, perhaps you can get this done.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8672506
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:46 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

It's not uncommon and I also suggest that you stay in touch (even have lunch) with the OBS.

She is a valuable source of information to compare to your wife's version of the affair; to monitor their contact; to learn how he justified the affair; to learn what they talked about; and what your wife told/discussed about you with the OM.

It's early. Your wife may still be R material - but not yet.

She has a long way to go. And in view of the recent contact with the OM -she hasn't started yet.

She's still being deceitful. Although she admitted to contact with the OM - she lied about her motive.

Why do I think she lied?

After his attack on you at your home and the vile things is said to you on the phone, she would only contact such an unworthy person because she still thinks of them as being in a loving/caring relationship. That's an affair mindset.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:48 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672517
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:55 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

How did your wife arrange time to meet the OM with 4 kids at home?

Did your wife use your children's therapist as a babysitter in order to give her time to meet the OM?

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672520
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I noticed my wife was all dolled up, make-up and everything. I even saw on our credit card that she went shopping and to a salon and spent $400 that day. I asked her about that and she said that she got a babysitter from an agency. I asked her when did we get a designated babysitter. It turns out that the "Pediatric physical therapist" that I was paying for every Tuesday to help my kids with their "motor skills" was actually just a babysitter my wife uses to get some "alone time". I was livid but I quickly composed myself as I wasn't surprised she is capable of these things.

So, we can tack on financial dishonesty as well.

Your WW just doesn't sound like she's got much integrity. So, if you guys choose R, she's going to really need to work on building some character. This is classic "pussy bombing", which is a manipulation, but she disarms you at the same time by giving you honesty regarding her lies about the pediatric physical therapist. Don't get me wrong... I'm not giving your WW credit for being some kind of machiavelian genius because I just don't think she's got that much on the ball. I think it's likely she manipulates without even thinking about it, and that she's probably feeling pretty good about herself for finally giving you a little bit of honesty.

It's up to you what you want to do with your life, but I have to admit to some concern for what's going to happen to your kids if your WW doesn't smarten up. She's immature, wasteful, manipulative, and dishonest. Those aren't great qualities for single parenting. She needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like one of the kids.

I met my lawyer and we went through the offer again. I gotta say, child support combined with alimony and misc. expenses payments really is a bitch. What the hell happened to the justice system? They think just because I work in a bank that I make bank?? I hate family court. She's going to have half of the equity, half of my retirement, even some of my investments! Oh and if she does get a lawyer? I'll be paying for it!

And then there's this. She's not working and you're looking at a really tough situation in terms of settlement with a SAHM.

No cheater is owed a second chance, and if you're absolutely sure that you want to be done, no one could fault you for it. But your kids are small, and their mother needs a total overhaul in terms of character. Maybe the thing to do would be to give R a shot, see if your WW can make progress in learning how to be a truly honest and faithful human being while you let your kids gain in age and maturity. If things aren't progressing in a few years, if the love doesn't survive, then you might be in a better financial position, particularly if you've sent your WW out to work. Talk to your attorney (or financial planner) and see if there are ways to protect your assets.

You said in your first post that there's still love there, so I do suspect that your WW has some redeeming qualities. It's possible that you might achieve a good reconciliation. It's possible also that you might achieve one that's "good enough" to get your kids bigger so that they aren't defenseless just in case R falls short.

Yours are the boots on the ground, so it's your call. I just wanted to put this option out there for you.

posts: 4530   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672551
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 7:58 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Perhaps your lawyer could draft a much more favorable post-nuptial agreement and you could lead with that instead of the divorce settlement. You could frame it as one of the steps necessary for reconciliation. If your wife is capable of gainful employment, why is alimony necessary? If she committed the affair, why should she be entitled to your investments? You and your wife will likely both need attorneys to review the post-nuptial but if your wife continues to claim she is remorseful, perhaps you can get this done.

This. Meet with a lawyer and see if it's legal in your state. I know several people who did this and when their cheater inevitably cheated again, they had more certainty -- and a better financial position -- than they would have otherwise. When I asked my WXH (who was begging me to R) if he'd sign a post-nup that only came into play if he cheated again, he declined, saying I should trust him. That was what finally pushed me over the edge to divorce and a wonderful new life.

If she's as determined to save the marriage as you think she is, she'd sign a post-nup with favorable terms for you. (But make sure you do it with a lawyer and make sure it will stand up in court.)

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8672552
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