SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When we separated last year, we told the kids it was because we didn’t love each other the same way. We told them we’d still be friends and do stuff together as a family. Then, their mom went insane and started hanging with a whole bunch of unsavory characters. The lies and deceit and pain she caused me and them is too much, so I don’t get to keep those promises of family dinners and holidays that much.

The issue is that my kids (my 13 year old daughter, mostly, but the 15 year old and the 12 year old sometimes as well) absolutely hate that they can’t see their mom that much (even though she’s with them almost every weekend). They’ve expressed a desire to live with her (because, hey, who wants rules and responsibilities like at Dad’s house, right?) and they accuse me of not trying.

I told her to tell them the truth because I refuse to be blamed for her actions. She said she would, but I know she won’t. I don’t want to break their hearts again, though I think they know a little about it all. My kids can smell subterfuge from a mile away because I’ve always been so up front.

I will take the brunt of the angst if it is better for them in the long run, even though they sometimes think I’m the bad guy who won’t let them live with Mommy. Or should I just be honest and say that their mom blew up our marriage and then spent the months before and after our divorce making ridiculous, harmful decisions? I know they’re mad at both of us and they only feel safe with expressing that with me, but I don’t want them thinking I’m the bad guy. I bite my tongue constantly to keep from saying negative things about their mother, but sometimes the truth is something negative.

Tell them the truth, without all the details, but with no opinions.

Mom decided to be with another man (or men, not sure). You value marriage, and that is not marriage. Mom choses to continue being Mom but separate from the family. You both still love them. You didn't want this to happen and it was not your choice. You will still respect her as their mother, but you can't be in her life anymore.

As far as them accusing you of not trying. That was put there by her. My ex tried the same propoganda. (jerks) Be clear with the kids. You tried everything, but she CHOSE to be with someone other than you. YOU DID NOT WANT THIS. To pretend to be family every so often now would be a lie, and you can't live a lie and they probably would't enjoy being around that.

They may doubt you a bit because of not telling them the real deal at first but they probably have a feel for why. You can mention you didn't say anything at first because your heart was broken for them and you were trying to protect them but from now on you will be forthcoming.

BTW,It's good you are biting your tongue on saying what you want about Mom. Good move.

Good luck. This stuff is tough.

I agree, they are all old enough to hear the truth. As mentioned above, keep emotion out of it. General facts only, and tell them that it is okay to walk away from things that are not healthy for us. This will be a good lesson for them going forward in life. My daughter is 12, and I finally told her the truth last year. The youngest two haven't been told anything yet, and they don't ask.