Dignitas posted 4/20/2021 10:01 AM

You can’t start R one week after D-Day for “the right reasons.” It is so abundantly obvious that WoB is in sunk cost mode right now, which seems to be pretty typical. You can’t R with a woman who has no respect for you. His wife has absolutely no respect for him based on her behavior thus far.

180, ensure WW is remorseful and near groveling -> (maybe) re-ignite her respect for you as a man -> carefully consider the cost benefit structure of R/D

Westway posted 4/21/2021 09:44 AM

We went away for a few days and had some very difficult and emotional talks - more than we have in a long time. My wife says she is remorseful because of the hurt she sees it has caused me, but I struggle if she is remorseful for having the affair ( this is an important distinction ). As previously mentioned, both my wife and I are in IC and she has been reading books on the infidelity and what she can do to help me/us.

Realistically, it will take a long long time, if ever, for her to feel true remorse. Right now she feels guilt, embarrassment and shame for what she did. Those are inwardly-focused feelings. Those are the feelings you wallow in, but they fade with time.

Remorse is outwardly focused and is accompanied by repentance. True repentance would be for her to take full accountability and blame for her actions, do everything in her power to fix her issues as well as facilitating your healing, even if that means letting you go with a fair divorce if it will be conducive to your healing and well being. Repentance is a lifelong commitment. If she cannot commit for the rest of her life to become a safe partner and regain your trust, then she is just spinning her wheels and she needs to let you go.

Gixxer1998 posted 4/21/2021 13:48 PM

As everyone else has said I feel for you and am so sorry you're here. All your feelings are valid and understandable. Don't think for one second they aren't. As far as being 64 and thinking you have to stay because of your age. Buddy 64 ain't shit. You still have a long way to go and why not make that time enjoyable by yourself or with someone new. It sounds to me that your WW doesn't very much care for your feelings and I'm sorry for that. I hope you can come to a conclusion on this I'd say move on and enjoy your life but you'll need to listen to your gut. Just my opinion. Good luck friend!

Tempocontour posted 4/29/2021 19:39 PM

I hope you're doing ok.

fabbhmg posted 4/30/2021 21:26 PM

I'm sorry you have been through this. The first weeks are the worst! I used to have melatonin pills to get some sleep. The emotional rollercoaster is constant, shifting from one emotion to the other really fast. Even today, 3.5 years after DDay, there are some triggers that make me me feel bad: this week I was watching a silly tv show, W confessed to H that she slept with someone else, and in this exact scene where you can see that H`s heart is cracking into pieces, mine also does...

For as hard as it may be, try to get as much sleep as you can. A person without sleep is highly unlikely to think straight.

Unfortunatelly, these feelings will not go away for a long time, but time does make these bad feeling easier to bear. So, while dealing with these feelings, try not to forget that life is good, enjoy what you like to do, and take the time you need.

As you can see in this forum, you are not alone.