Notaboringwife posted 4/13/2021 10:23 AM

In reading about how the mind occasionally likes to reside in the past, I found this helpful hint, and I tried it and it worked for me, so I'd like to share it with either the ex-betrayed or the ex-waywards, when we have those negative intrusive thoughts...

I'll give you my example: yesterday my husband drove in the neighbourhod of his ex affair partner, to pickup an online grocery order. It is the grocery store where once upon a time, they both shopped in. I knew about this, and my though went into the past, to haunt me with "is he going to meet her there?" I could not shake that thought off as it chained onto, what a cheater he is, why did I take him back and on and on...I was not having a great day.

I remembered the helpful hint of asking myself this question;"what evidence do you have today that....." I asked myself these questions: "What evidence do you have today, that your husband will meet her there?" Answer to myself, "well, no evidence whatsoever."

"What evidence do you have today that your husband is a cheater?" Another answer to myself: " There is no evidence."

I felt immediately better, no great but better.

And maybe, just maybe this will work for you.

outofsorts posted 4/13/2021 20:23 PM

Thank you for the tip! Anything that helps with the pointless rumination is great...

bluebonnet posted 4/13/2021 22:17 PM

That is an excellent tip. I find that I am frequently wondering when the other shoe will drop. When will he get lazy and I discover that they’ve still been in touch? Most times I convince myself to relax because there’s no point in getting worked up about it until it happens. But it still bothers me even though honestly there’s no evidence for it whatsoever. This tip is worded well... what evidence do I have today, not from what he did a year and a half ago, but today? None.

Thank you.

GTeamReboot posted 4/13/2021 22:36 PM

And even take it a step further! (Reminding myself as well here)...

“What evidence do I have today that he is working hard at R?”

When I really make myself ask that, I can always always find an answer - even when FWH isn’t handling some aspects of it perfectly. I need to remember the value of that, I really do.

The1stWife posted 4/16/2021 06:36 AM

You have to remind yourself that the cheater has changed and is not cheating and as the betrayed, we have to stop living in the past.

Sometimes it’s not easy.

Lucky for me the OW moved to the opposite coast. But.... as we all know the AP could be anyone who is or was available.