"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Westway posted 3/31/2021 17:02 PM

I think this one will definitely come crawling back once her house of cards completely crashes down around her. Expect it and be prepared to have an answer for her when she does.

chepo1966 posted 4/1/2021 00:41 AM

3rdTimeIsACharm
It shows that you are too noble, to see reality, in the negative attitudes of the person you love,
I just want to clarify something:
Saying I love you, and a kiss is not loving, those are just words, if your actions show otherwise
In your case, you say you love, and your actions to your children show that everything you say comes out of your being, you take advantage of all your time to be with them and your family, you are real and honest,
Regarding diseases and traumas, I will tell you that in this world there are millions of people with this thing, and not all of them go to bed or have relationships outside of marriage, not all of them arrive at dawn, when everyone is sleeping, so that they do not bother her She prefers to be, fucking with a guy quietly, without the typical annoyance of what you do around the house, "I totally have a good man who cares about that"
I think that, really, nothing but nothing, justifies infidelity or having a parallel relationship with your family, and less twice in a marriage, (the ones you discovered) maybe there are more,
YOU SHOULD TAKE A FEW DAYS ALONE, IT WOULD DO YOU VERY GOOD, TO REST AND BE ABLE TO MEDITATE,
TELLING HIM TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, SINCE SEEING IT EVERYDAY, IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU, AND EVEN IF IT COULD YOU TO RECOGNIZE IT, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT FIGHTED, TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY UNITED UNTIL HERE,
YOU HAVE LEAVED MANY THINGS THAT YOU STILL DON'T REALIZE, WHICH WERE PART OF YOU
FOR EXAMPLE; GETTING TO SAY, THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHE HAS SEX WITH OTHER TYPES, AND THAT IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW IT HURTS YOU,
DEAR, TAKE A FEW DAYS, IT WILL DO VERY GOOD, A GOOD MAN, JUST NEEDS TO BE ALONE TO THINK OF HIMSELF AND KNOW WHAT HE WANTS OF HIS LIFE from her,
AAAA, HOW DID YOU DID WITH THE EXAMS, WHAT DID YOU PRACTICE?
MAY YOU BE WELL AND MAY GOD, GIVE YOU TRANQUILITY AND MORE WISDOM.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 4/5/2021 09:35 AM

I think this one will definitely come crawling back once her house of cards completely crashes down around her. Expect it and be prepared to have an answer for her when she does.

So far she hasn't made any move in this direction. We actively negotiate the separation, custody, financial etc., so the writing is on the wall and I think she is realizing that this is serious.

BTW, I am the biological dad with 99.999% certainty. Ay least this is not complicating anything.

[This message edited by 3rdTimeIsACharm at 9:35 AM, April 5th (Monday)]

Marz posted 4/6/2021 05:31 AM

At least some good news.

Marz posted 4/6/2021 05:31 AM

Ditto

[This message edited by Marz at 5:32 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Westway posted 4/6/2021 13:21 PM

So far she hasn't made any move in this direction. We actively negotiate the separation, custody, financial etc., so the writing is on the wall and I think she is realizing that this is serious.

Well you did good. Move fast and get her to give you a fair D while she is still in the fog. Maybe she won't come back, but she knows deep down she screwed up bad and pissed away a good relationship. Her pride probably just won't let her admit it to herself or anyone. She is hedging her bets on an OM who will probably screw her over and hang her out to dry. But that isn't your problem.

[This message edited by Westway at 1:29 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 4/6/2021 14:21 PM

At least some good news.

That was a huge f**king relief.

Move fast and get her to give you a fair D while she is still in the fog.

I live in a state, which allows for an at fault D. I already scared the shit out off her, that I could drag her and OM's ass in front of a judge, and burn through the marital assets in the process so we both would have to start over at zero.

Her pride probably just won't let her admit it to herself or anyone.

At least she has admitted it to me. I am not sure if she moves on to OM, according to her she won't but who knows what desperation can cause.
She will be definitely worse off from a socioeconomic point of view. This dude makes far less than her so she will be footing the bills.

Something I am wondering about is, should I investigate OM or just move on?
I consulted a PI and it's quite a chunk of money for a thorough background check.
PRO's
-I would know if he is married or in a relationship and could warn any potential OBS.
-The PI told me if anything criminal pops up, I could get a no contact order (him/my kids) from court.
CON's
-a lot of money
-I might give him more real estate in my head than he deserves

What are your opinions?

Westway posted 4/6/2021 15:09 PM

Just move on. The problem is your WW, not the OM. He is just a vehicle for her disfunction. If it had not been him it would have been some other fool.

Your kids will have tol earn to live with any new man she brings home. It's all part of the heartache of divorce. There is nothing you can really do to keep it from happening.

Spend your money on a good lawyer.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:10 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

asc1226 posted 4/6/2021 15:10 PM

Might be worth it. If you find out he does have a wife or gf you’d be giving them the ability to deal with reality instead of the lies he would have to be telling them. Also be sure to inform your WW that as well as being a cheater, she’s also a homewrecker.

And of course if there’s some reason he shouldn’t be around children (other than being a scumbag in general) you want to know.

I might give him more real estate in my head than he deserves

Maybe ask the PI for a sealed written report and he can tell you if it contains any agreed upon significant information. If not you can throw it in a closet and can take time to decide if it’s just as well to feed it into a shredder.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 3:16 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 4/6/2021 15:48 PM

I don’t think you have to go through a PI for a general background check.

HR does a general for all our new hires.

Credit, criminal background, etc. I don’t think they’re that expensive but it wouldn’t be as thorough either.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/6/2021 18:59 PM

If you mean upkeep of house, kids and home with physical work, this is equally shared.

I disagree that your division of household labor is equal. If she has all this free time to fuck around before, during, and after work (along with all her business trips), you are likely pulling a lot more weight then you realize.

In fact, the rudest awakening she is going to experience is when she stops having you as her nanny service/room mate and has to deal with how hard it is to handle kids without a second parent.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 04:58 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 04:58 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 05:08 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 05:08 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 05:08 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 05:08 AM

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP? and if she doesn't work out, she comes back to you, asking for forgiveness.
You do not think it is better, to give the final cut to this whole situation, I know that you still do it, but even when you think to hold on, so much disrespect for you and your children, you do not think it would be better, try to be happy and leave to be suffering for someone, who will never really change,
life is very short, and everyone deserves to become fully happy, together with someone who loves him, respects him and is worthy of you, a man of noble sentiments, and a great father,
AA I congratulate you that the exams were fantastic, and one more peace of mind for you, knowing that you are his biological father, I am really very happy for you, you deserve it, and much more, as a true woman by your side, that you have the same qualities of person as you.
Do not worry about her AP, let her solve her problems, and you try to get out of the cloud and start to act, and protect yourself, and protect your children, since your wife's priority is not YOU, FOR HER IS JUST FUCKING WITH ANOTHER AND HAVE A LIFE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 4/7/2021 08:47 AM

Maybe ask the PI for a sealed written report and he can tell you if it contains any agreed upon significant information. If not you can throw it in a closet and can take time to decide if it’s just as well to feed it into a shredder.

Credit, criminal background, etc. I don’t think they’re that expensive but it wouldn’t be as thorough either.

All good points but I have the feeling I will get sucked into it too much.

Your kids will have tol earn to live with any new man she brings home. It's all part of the heartache of divorce. There is nothing you can really do to keep it from happening.

That's a good point, I can't control it and I need to work on not wanting to control it.
But I will teach my girls that they let every new guy know, that their real daddy owns a shotgun and a shovel.

We had a realtor in yesterday and it's a perfect time to sell. Probably getting more than asking price and we will each walk away debt free and with a small chunk of seed capital.

Later that evening she made her first move, asking if I really want all this.
I immediately shut it down. I told her it's not what I had envisioned but that I do not see any other way considering her behavior.
Then we talked about custody; she want's full custody, I want shared custody. Her rational, I should be happy if she has full custody because then she can't "do anything". I told her that I don't care what she will do while having kids-free time. The look on her face: priceless.

I disagree that your division of household labor is equal. If she has all this free time to fuck around before, during, and after work (along with all her business trips), you are likely pulling a lot more weight then you realize.

I mean it was really well balanced up to when her A started. The EA lasted 3 month and was mostly texting only (1-2 texts a day), the PA part lasted "only" 2 month. If I would have let it progress, I agree the balance would have been shifted significantly to my disadvantage.

In fact, the rudest awakening she is going to experience is when she stops having you as her nanny service/room mate and has to deal with how hard it is to handle kids without a second parent.

Weird enough, that's what she wants.

You split up, and is she going to live with her AP?

I don't think that's going to happen but never say never.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 4/12/2021 12:23 PM

Little update as things are right now.

I kind of feeling stuck and the future looks blurry.

It's weird stilling living with my WW and we act almost like normal family. Doing the day to day activities, doing family activities with the kids etc.
We talk a lot but only about this one topic and I am getting tired off it. She has provided the level of detail she is able to share and I don't think I need anymore.
It's almost like before d-day just lacking the ILY and the physical intimacy.
Emotionally I am surprisingly collected, only reading her older texts and comparing them to the timeline, as well as reading OM's letters triggers me. Not sure why I always go back and look at them though, knowing it hurts me.
But her being out on a 1-day business trip to ATL today is gut wrenching too. Even though I told myself over and over again that I shouldn't care anymore.

I get some anxiety looking at all the crap we have accumulated and how to split and move out of the house.

To be proactive, I looked at apartment housing in my lunch break today and I have an attorney consultation on Thursday.

WW had her first IC and likes it. I feel good about her taking this step.
My IC sucks, don't know if I am not providing the right information or my counselor not asking the right questions. It sucks but I probably have to look for a new one.

chepo1966 posted 4/12/2021 19:52 PM

3rdTimeIsACharm
Dear, I think a long time has passed, and you are still next to her, her pain continues to surface, this will not stop until you get away from her,
For her, she continues living the same as always and she knows that you will forgive her, as you did the previous time, you have to make a decision and be firm, when she arrives from her business trip with her AP, you should have her suitcases and her things at the entrance or you have already changed, while you continue with the procedures, and you can begin, to rebuild your life, it is not fair that you continue, with her to pure suffering, old man, you do not deserve all this shit, you are a great man, you deserve a woman who I love you and respect you,
I know that you still love her, and you try to justify her actions, due to some mental illness, and that normally they were great siciocians, but what do you get, with that, if every time the pain will get worse when she starts to fuck another, or You do not mind sharing your wife, she really reacts, nothing justifies infidelity, she is a serial cheater and even if you do not want to accept it, she is not a good person,
Begin to prioritize yourself and set time limits, enroll in a gym, this will do you very good, much more than therapy, if you want to buy a punching bag, it will relax you more,
stop being, there is always for her, for her you are only her doormat and she knows that the more you are together you will change your mind, and you will sweep away from the carpet again, sorry for what I told you, I don't want to offend you, I just want you to react since it really shows that you are a good man,
She talks to your lawyer and tell him everything you want and get out of that house or out of it. This week at the latest, or you will continue to see her, and she happy, while you suffer, I bet you that once you are away from her, a week and your life will change, with a lot of exercise, you will feel much better and want to be happy,