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Mentally Stuck in DDay & in the Hurt

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WalkingHome posted 4/5/2021 10:22 AM

Know when to say when and just D.


If she isn't fully remorseful and all in on making it right...just call it done and stop hurting yourself.

Jambomo posted 4/5/2021 11:38 AM

Did you just know 100% you were done after the second DDay?

Apologies, I just seen your reply.

Yes. I left and went to stay with my parents before moving to a new city and new job. He had his second chance and threw it away. What hurt the most was that he saw how badly it damaged me the first time yet did it again. The first time I could almost excuse that as him not realising what damage it would do to me and to our lives, but the second? He knew and didnít care. That made me really despise him.

I am a person who is massively nostalgic and so I sometime look back with sadness as the loss of him from my life when we had such a long time together. To be honest though, I donít do it nearly as much as I imagined I would do and actually, I look forward and try to think of my new life which is really good now.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 4/5/2021 12:42 PM


What hurt the most was that he saw how badly it damaged me the first time yet did it again.

Same experience here, I asked her how she could do it a second time knowing how much hurt was inflicted the first time. I asked how she could do it while still insisting she would care about me.
I had to answer this question myself and came to the same conclusion you did, walking away is the smarter decision.

Embrace the nostalgic feelings, except them and grief the loss.
I wish you all the best on your journey towards a better and brighter future.

ChamomileTea posted 4/5/2021 20:44 PM

Our couples therapist suggested a mental reset and break in the form of a week separation. Has this ever been effective for any of you? Our therapist thought it would help me gain some clarity on wanting to R or D and this made me start focusing again on outcomes instead of healing..

On another note, I shifted to searching for an Infidelity trained therapist instead of a general therapist. I am hoping this will be better for us to help through this process.

You know, I'm not at all enthusiastic about your couples counselor and even less enthused with your WW's IC who thought it was a good idea for her to continue abusing you for however long it took until she finally went NC. I'm not forgetting that your couples counselor handed you Michelle Weiner-Davis, so I think it's good that you're looking to replace her. While it's true that sometimes a therapeutic separation can move things along, that's not necessarily where YOU are in this process yet. You're still dealing with the initial trauma, trauma which has been compounded by your WW's IC's poor advice. Note that you were feeling a little better while working on yourself, and now there's this pressure to move things along again.

It's okay for you to work at YOUR pace. The priority isn't the marriage right now. It's putting you back together in some semblance of wholeness, so that you don't feel like you're being punched in the gut two dozen times a day. If your WW can't bear up with that, if she can't be patient and WAIT for you to get to a point where you can make good decisions for yourself, well... that tells you something about her, doesn't it? Healing doesn't happen on the cheater's timetable. Neither does reconciliation. It might be tough for her to wait, but that's nothing so bad as what she's already put you through.

Anyway, I think it's your call. If a therapeutic separation works for you, that's fine. It could break your enmeshment and you might decide you're better off without her. Bear in mind that statistically, the longer a separation persists, the more chance it will become permanent, because one or both partners might decide they're better off. It's your call to make, but if you want to know what I think, I'd wait until I had a better therapist on the job. I think it's possible that being apart right now could increase your anxiety because you won't have any method of being certain that there's no contact with the AP going on. All you've got is your WW's word on the subject and she's got a recent history of lies and deceit. So, instead of thinking about your healing process and working through your PTSD, I think you might end up overwhelmed by worrying about what's happening with her and focused on outcomes again. So, I'm thinking it's okay to put yourself first right now, think about what YOU need, and not get sidetracked by the impatience of your WW and your MC.

MaintainThePain posted 4/14/2021 08:01 AM

Entering into the 4th month since the A ended..

We started seeing an infidelity specialist this week and the difference between this therapist and a generalist is extremely obvious.

I wish this had happened right away but you don't know what you don't know.

So, instead of thinking about your healing process and working through your PTSD, I think you might end up overwhelmed by worrying about what's happening with her and focused on outcomes again. So, I'm thinking it's okay to put yourself first right now, think about what YOU need, and not get sidetracked by the impatience of your WW and your MC.

I believe you are correct here. I am continuing to focus on my own healing and working with our new infidelity specialist. I have started to implement some of the 180 behaviors after a nice chat with another member here where he suggested it.

I'm sort of removed from the "urgency and panic" we were in everyday thanks to the 180, not totally enmeshed with my WW which was a big issue with my progress at first. This has allowed me to work on myself more with more focus. I'm still thinking of the A everyday and feeling overwhelmed and still struggling through work.

Trying hard not to focus on outcomes. Somedays I still have that voice "Hey you always said an A was a deal breaker for you! You can't look past this!!" I just keep telling that voice I'll decide when I decide and I'm not putting pressure on myself.

If R is possible, I want to explore that option, it's better to know than to not know.

Most days now just feel exhausting.

Cooley2here posted 4/14/2021 13:12 PM

I state this on so many posts because it is something you are going to have to deal with. Everyone who goes through this horror has to deal with it. You have got to get yourself out of infidelity. That does not mean divorce. That does not mean reconciliation. It does mean that you have to take care of your health. Your mental and physical health. Long-term stress will impact you down the road. I know several people who are paying the price for not getting out of a stressful situation and have serious health problems because of it. Please look up what long-term stress does to the body. Thereís a book out. THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE. Buy it and read it

ChamomileTea posted 4/15/2021 19:23 PM

I'm still thinking of the A everyday and feeling overwhelmed and still struggling through work.

Like we talked about earlier, rumination is a tough habit to break. I would listen to all the methods my therapist would suggest for stopping and her advice would go in one ear and out the other. I felt like ruminating was a valid choice, like I was eventually going to figure it all out if I just kept working the problem. Having been there and done that though, today I would liken constant rumination to causing BRAIN DAMAGE. I feel like if I had treated it as a serious health issue, I might have given it up before I ended up so badly depressed. Of course, there's no way to be sure about that, what's done is done. But I would REALLY encourage you to work diligently with your therapist to break the habit of rumination.

I do think ACCEPTANCE helps. And there's lots of different aspects to Acceptance. We have to accept that this bad thing happened to us, that we can't change it, that we couldn't have stopped it, that it's NOT our fault. We have to fully accept that the cheating was about the cheater. They do it for their own reasons based on whatever the payoff is in their own heads. And of course, we argue back that they should have thought of us and they should have. But that too... is about them, not us. You really do have to pass every last bit of the cheating choice to the cheater. And once you've done that, you have to figure out if you can still love this horribly imperfect person.

I think it's okay to love imperfect people. In fact, I think if we wait for perfect, we'll never find anyone at all to love, right? What we're looking to reject is toxic. An active cheater is not only imperfect, they're toxic as well. So, as time goes by, we try to figure what our cheater has learned, if anything. Some cheaters are so disappointed with themselves that they pull out all the stops, dig deep, and don't stop until they feel like they can look themselves in the eye again. Others though, continue to cling to their blame-shifting and are really just giving lip service to taking personal responsibility. These ones are still toxic.

I think one of the good benefits of not concentrating on an outcome is that it frees up your senses a bit to really look at your cheater, to determine whether or not she's taking real responsibility. Most of us really do have a preferred outcome. If you flip a coin, there's a fraction of a second where, if you're listening closely, you'll find yourself rooting for either heads or tails. But it's hard to take a good reading on another person's character when we a) have that preference in the back of our mind, and b) are dealing with our shattered confidence. It's not like we haven't been fooled before, right? But this will all come clear to you in TIME. For now, just have patience with yourself and with the process.

Buffer posted 4/15/2021 21:30 PM

Brother you decide when you are ready to decide. You donít March to the beat of her drums!
You are doing the best you can. One day at a time.
Strength to you.

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