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Wayward Side :
Great read

Topic is Sleeping.
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 JBWD (original poster Member #70276) posted at 9:52 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

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Fixed vs growth mindsets. This is a little bit dated but it was just sent my way and is really relevant. Especially this statement:

“To Dweck’s devastation, the most toxic byproduct of the fixed mindset turned out to be dishonesty”

A great perspective on how we view and respond to the challenge of “failure.” This on the heels of “Rising Strong” where Brene Brown points out that we have such a broad spectrum of failures to face:

Compare minor revisions on a document for work to restructuring your life while adapting to the knowledge that your actions drastically and painfully altered that structure for other people. (Yup, even in the two I tip my hand on the challenge of labeling)

How have folks here adapted to understanding, responding to, and recovering from the shame of failure?

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8621328
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DaddyDom ( Member #56960) posted at 2:46 PM on Monday, January 4th, 2021

This was a great read, thank you for sharing. I recognize a lot of my own thinking patterns in that article.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1156   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8621897
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MrsWalloped ( Member #62313) posted at 7:15 PM on Monday, January 4th, 2021

This was really informative and definitely resonated with me.

This stood out.

Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over.

Exactly. And when you have developed a fixed mindset of negativity, that creates shame and you want to combat it so you try to prove that you're not bad. But you need to prove it over and over again because the fixed part is that you are worthless or bad and that's what you always revert to.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8621979
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Snowyjune ( New Member #72831) posted at 12:56 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

It's really easy to be stuck in the fixed mindset, especially when we face up to exactly what we have done and see utter carnage. I've been there too many times, just dying from the shame and guilt.

Pushing through the question "how am I helping him now" helps me snap out of it and work towards something positive instead.

Even the most painful and distressing of talks and venting by the BS is them letting us know they are in so much pain. So I look past the words and trying to understand he is trying to tell me instead.

Thanks for the read!

ME: WW
D-day: 23 Aug 2019
5 months of EA/PA
TT for another 4 months
D-day 4: Apr 2020

posts: 46   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020
id 8625003
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hikingout ( Member #59504) posted at 2:09 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

This was really informative and definitely resonated with me.

This stood out.

Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over.

Exactly. And when you have developed a fixed mindset of negativity, that creates shame and you want to combat it so you try to prove that you're not bad. But you need to prove it over and over again because the fixed part is that you are worthless or bad and that's what you always revert to.

Me too. This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I never realized how much shame I carried around before I started therapy a few years ago (fixed mentality). Generally speaking if anyone wasn't happy in our family I generally felt it was my fault or my job to fix it. It pulled at all the ways I felt inadequate and I disguised myself with my perfectionism for fear anyone else would see the me that I saw. I can talk myself out of this fairly quickly these days but I wish it wasn't my default. I feel a lot of that mindset comes from FOO.

These days I try and remind myself that I don't have control over other peoples reactions and feelings and I have to live my life based on my own standards and needs. This is a struggle for me most of the time. A worthy one for sure because I feel seen and heard (even if someone doesn't like it) and it keeps my resentment level so low. I still tend to notice the smallest slights and feel like I earned nothing else than that. Like it's a grading system. It's a fucked up place to be in my mind but I don't let myself stay there or wallow in it the way I used to. I can see so many things I have done (including my affair) was to escape or drown out those feelings.

Being aware of it is half the battle though, I think the rest of it is just practice and mastery. It takes a lot of vigilance over your self talk. I also find that releasing my response to the reaction I am perceiving from someone else helps. I will quietly remind myself of the old saying about the things people do have way more to do with them than you.

I also find it interesting because I have a growth mindset about some things, especially career wise. But, in other spaces I have mostly held the fixed mindset. I imagine those of us who get "stuck" this has a lot to do with why.

I like this article because it gives some very clear illustrations of the thoughts and behaviors that do not serve us. Internalizing that your worth is inherent and not based on whatever parameters you put on it is quite a journey, a very long hard one for many.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:10 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

WW/BW BH/WH
Turnthepage
My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PA
His Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5914   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8625016
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 JBWD (original poster Member #70276) posted at 8:24 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

I also find it interesting because I have a growth mindset about some things, especially career wise.

That’s always puzzled me as well- I have long been the same. I think I was explicitly told how the growth mindset applied to such things as professional performance- And that the lack of discussion or modeling led to assumptions in my FOO. That is to say, I got scolded A LOT when I over-reacted to criticism. And despite that not being super healthy, it at least got me to understand that I could do better with the help of others.

BUT, because I felt that performance tied to validation and worthiness, I think it was only post-adolescence when my work became “independent” that I could completely become comfortable with growth and its associated “scariness.”

[This message edited by JBWD at 2:34 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8625095
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hikingout ( Member #59504) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

I don't have trouble with criticism, never have. Instead my issue has been being the worst critic of myself. I tend to jump to conclusions about what others might think as a result. But, someone being straight up with me on how I can do better? I have always appreciated that and taken it into great consideration.

I haven't really done any introspection on whether the successes of my career was related to overcome shame or if I tie my worth to it. I suppose I am getting ready to find out in a few months as I semi-retire and just work on our self-owned businesses. I generally feel I have been lucky in my career in things suiting me and my interests well. I am burned out, and nothing has been the same since the affair. Especially that first year, I was worthless pretty much.

WW/BW BH/WH
Turnthepage
My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PA
His Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5914   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8625110
Topic is Sleeping.
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