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My newest beginning

Karmafan posted 12/23/2020 08:38 AM

Lovely SI folks, I havenít been much on here in the last three years, and it is so nice to be back. There are some familiar Ďfacesí, a lot of welcome new additions, and the usual amazing collective wisdom that, four years ago, helped me navigate the darkest period of my life.

After separating from and then divorcing my XWH, I threw myself into dating, thinking I was ready. I guess we all do to a certain extent....only to realise that all we have done is slow down the recovery process and add some more damage to our already pretty broken selves. So I was no exception and, after only a few months of absent-minded, fickle dating, I started my first proper post-divorce relationship. Glaring red flags, and those of you a bit further down the line giving me some hard truths but no, I wouldnít have another failed relationship to my name.

I ended up staying with SO three and half years, and although there were some good times, I couldnít help feeling dejected and swallowing the Ďbetter than nothingí pill on an almost daily basis.

The biggest mistake was to join forces (or weaknesses) with someone who had recently separated but was still living with their XWW. They eventually divorced, but this man had clearly chosen resentment over forgiveness, bitterness over compassion, and wasnít going to let any of it go any time soon. And whilst I was easing into a better, more civilised relationship with my XWH, he persevered with his hate campaign against the ex, to which he had even enlisted his own children . To witness this first hand prompted me to work even harder on forging a good, long lasting relationship with the father of my children - I guess negative examples are, often, the most helpful ones.

I read stories on here of people who are at the beginning of the process, still so raw and vulnerable, and wish I could scream out loud, donít do it, take some time off, get your bearings, donít expose your vulnerabilities to people who donít have your best interest at heart. Except that would be hypocritical and everyone learns at their own pace.

My most recent relationship made me realise that, as betrayed spouses, we are conditioned to think that, so long as the other person doesnít cheat, or is not overtly abusive, then we must count ourselves lucky. We choose to ignore the signs, the more subtle forms of abuse, until we get so drained that leaving becomes a matter of survival.

So I have been single since the summer and this is my NNB. I have made the conscious decision not to date for a while and possibly ever. I am allowing myself time for self-reflection and self-love. Whatever I feel like doing, eating, reading, watching, spending money on, goes. And I can travel without being frowned upon....what a relief! After years of self-negating, singledom feels pretty awesome for sure

And not only am I thriving, my kids are too. I waded through so much crap to find my diamond, only to discover that it was here all along.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:28 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday)]

Chili posted 12/23/2020 09:50 AM

Karmafan!

Yes yes and yes.

I'm a huge fan (from hard-earned personal experience) of really learning how to be single. Realizing that you are your own best champion - that you "got this" no matter what life throws at you.

Surprisingly, I've found my single days have also been my least "lonely." I can have real shared experiences with lots of somebodies without ordering my life around a single somebody. I was never lonelier than I was with assclown.

I also learned to never say never - perhaps one of us will find another person to share our life with. But we are usually only ready for that after having spent a pretty big chunk of time on our own - tending to our own healing journey.

I'm on my own NNB myself from this Summer (thread here in NB so I won't repeat it). It presents some new challenges given the 2020 stuff, but kind of reinforces that resilience thing too.

Big kudos to you Karmafan - that diamond sure is pretty and sparkly!

Charity411 posted 12/23/2020 10:38 AM

Awesome post Karmafan! I came to the same conclusion as you have. I did it the hard way too.
I'm not sure I'll ever date again either. I've learned to love the freedom that being single affords me.

Your post reminded me a guy I dated that had unbridle hatred of his EXWW even 4 years after his divorce. It felt like constant warnings that he was not like other men, because he had been wronged. It was like she was always present in our relationship. After that experience I did my level best not to be the same.

Cheers to your new beginning!

twicefooled posted 12/23/2020 11:23 AM

Amazing!!

I've spent the majority of my post-divorce years single. I also decided, during this pandemic, that I love my life and the right person will fit in the way it is. Relationships shouldn't be as hard as they've been for me. So instead of doing things the way I had, I approach dating much differently than I had previously.

So far it's worked. I met an amazing man that isn't my "typical" type. But wow, is he ever amazing. I can be totally myself with him. I don't plan on blending families under one roof (and some of my other dates had a problem with that) and he feels the same way.

And if we don't work out in the end? I will always be ok! I'm not defined by a relationship, it's just nice to be in the right one for a change.

Cheers to growth!!!

Karmafan posted 12/24/2020 06:32 AM

@ Chili

I can have real shared experiences with lots of somebodies without ordering my life around a single somebody. I was never lonelier than I was with assclown.

Absolutely. I now find real meaning in my friendships, children and even job - I didnít realise how much of my soul had been sucked by that relationship. I guess that applies to all romantic relationships - they tend to take centre stage, but Iíd love to think that the right person adds to your life, not deplete it. And you are spot on about the loneliness thing too. There isnít a worst kind than being with a person and feeling that you are playing a part. Again and again.

@ Charity411, thank you for your kind words. I am glad you got to the same conclusion as I have the hard way...but then again, is there any other way? Any kind of growth seems to require an inordinate amount of suffering But to be able to reach a place of serenity, security and strength, certainly makes all the tribulations worth it

@twicefooled, happy for you. Your decision not to compromise has borne fruit and I can only wish that that will be me one day. But if thatís not on the cards, thatíll be ok too

phmh posted 12/24/2020 11:34 AM

So love reading this, and as you said above, I wish there was a way to get people new to NB to realize to take time off, but it seems like that is a lesson that needs to be learned first-hand. I definitely dated way too early, and the summer of 2015 (3 years after D was final) was when i decided I was not going to date, but was going to fully heal, form amazing friendships, and have the time of my life. And I did, and it was incredible! I did wind up meeting a guy in the fall, but he enhances my life and I maintain a life of my own, which is something I never had with WXH. So glad to read that you are doing so well!!!

Karmafan posted 12/29/2020 05:46 AM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Karmafan at 5:54 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

Karmafan posted 12/29/2020 05:50 AM

@Phmh, thank you for your message...I certainly intend to devote 2021 to the pursuit of solo happiness (I have just booked my first post-COVID trip!)

Reading some of the current posts, itís becoming apparent that I am never ever going to do OLD again. Absolutely not worth the ups and downs! Thereís someone at work I have been getting quite close to....donít know if it is going anywhere but, if nothing else, itís reminded me of how nice it is when things develop organically - no empty promises, no trying too hard, no nasty surprises....and a nice friendship to fall back on

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:09 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

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