I have read both of your threads, and am impressed by your courage and your husband's strength.
English is not my native language, but I will do my best to convey my thoughts and experiences to you in an understandable way, with no pedanticism and no intention to hurt you further.
I am writing to you with the best of intentions. For years I have been scouring the various internet forums for answers that I have not found even with the help of counseling.
Please believe that love, trust and emotion come in varying degrees, from superficial to immensely deep.
What I read of your husband is that he belongs to the small group where love and emotion run very very deep. Perhaps deeper than you can comprehend.
Please do not take this as a reproach but as confirmation of the diversity between individuals.
Even after these 5 years, your husband has no idea what became of his life and how it all happened.
To one man the things you shared with your lover are to overcome, and to others this thought is so abstract that it simply doesn't fit in their head.
(For a personal example from my life)
On Friday June 19 1981 I came unexpected home early, as I opened my door at home I heard noises coming from the first floor.
When I opened my bedroom door I had to see my wife being the burger in a sandwich.
This is etched in my soul and have never been able to erase that.
I sincerely believe that your husband has forgiven you and that you two love each other very much.
You are not a bad person, but you have done bad things as you admit.
Even if your husband were to divorce you, this will not solve anything, rather it will worsen, because the immense love that your husband has for you is and will remain.
I think it is the main reason he is still with you.
Your husband is a survivor of Covid, and that's because of your loving care and devotion, but such a life-changing circumstance also incites introspection.
But his film keeps on running, it doesn't matter if you rinse your mouth 100 times a day, your husband knows what was in it.
Your husband is joking and enjoying you and his family, he loves his wife and his family.
He tries to push away his film and tries to think about other things, but after so many years you and he notice that unlike in a normal film that there are never any end credits and it never shows THE END.
And please don't laugh at me because unfortunately I saw it up close.
A good friend died of a broken heart
( taktsubo cardiomyopathy)
This has been scientifically and medically proven.
This condition is bitter to look at, but can largely be treated with proper guidance.
I think this could be because of the depth of your husband's love, and the way he describes it.
I hope you can do something with my thoughts, You are in my prayers, and wish you both all the best