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Wayward Side :
At A Loss

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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, December 27th, 2020

Your husband is a noble guy and he never allowed himself to hate you and be angry with you. He chose to lock those emotions away, where they remain.

It's like when you eat spoiled food. The logical move is to throw up and get it over with. The alternate is going to bed and being sick for a long time afterward. He chose to not make a mess and go to bed.

Unfortunately for you there isn't anything you can do (except make it worse). Something needs to light his light again.

FWIW. You've done everything that you can do. It wasn't your affair that did it for him, it was the phone call that you made from your sister's house that tore his soul.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8619960
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 10:18 PM on Sunday, December 27th, 2020

FWIW. You've done everything that you can do. It wasn't your affair that did it for him, it was the phone call that you made from your sister's house that tore his soul.

Couldn't agree more. When I was directed to read Walloped thread, I was AMAZED at how rational a man he is and it was mind boggling to read how he went through the list of all the questions that you to your credit answered honestly I believe.

That and your kids are why you weathered the initial storm.

But if I remember it right, and please correct me and I apologize if I am wrong, but you went right to your sisters, called your boyfriend, who was glad you got caught, and ONLY AFTER Walloped got you on the phone for a tongue lashing from OBS did you realize this OM was not divorced and that you got played. Then you snapped out of it.

You then become the model xWW and are I guess somewhat of a legend here and role model for WW. But my bet is, and of course my opinion is NO more valid than anyone elses, is that Walloped has done a lot of wondering how this all would have turned out had he not been so diligent and somehow proved to you that your boyfriend was no great guy. He snapped you out of the fog by his actions, not by yours.

Hopefully, this is just another blip. I seriously doubt if you guys will not make it. You both have done all that you can do.

I wish you luck and hope you work will be rewarded by someday putting this way behind you both.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8619977
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 10:25 PM on Sunday, December 27th, 2020

I was thinking about my post and want to make one more comment about the phone call. When you were caught your emotion was ...something... to him. This is what gets your husband. It gets him beyond the normal betrayal because of the type of guy he is. He's locked up those emotions. He may have exhibited emotion, but not all of them, they're all locked up. He has never been able to process this because he would never even be able to *do* something like that. He probably understands the high of the affair, he doesn't understand why you were still leading with your emotion after all was said and done.

That little part that he has locked away has been dividing by zero for five years now.

(I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, you've been one of the top .00001% of waywards here in terms of response. It's not fair to you to leave the implication that ANYTHING here is on you... you fucked up. It would literally be impossible to be the ideal wayward. never blame the 2020 version of yourself)

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8619981
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Dutchman1 ( New Member #63634) posted at 1:09 AM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

Dear MrsWalloped,

I have read both of your threads, and am impressed by your courage and your husband's strength.

English is not my native language, but I will do my best to convey my thoughts and experiences to you in an understandable way, with no pedanticism and no intention to hurt you further.

I am writing to you with the best of intentions. For years I have been scouring the various internet forums for answers that I have not found even with the help of counseling.

Please believe that love, trust and emotion come in varying degrees, from superficial to immensely deep.

What I read of your husband is that he belongs to the small group where love and emotion run very very deep. Perhaps deeper than you can comprehend.

Please do not take this as a reproach but as confirmation of the diversity between individuals.

Even after these 5 years, your husband has no idea what became of his life and how it all happened.

To one man the things you shared with your lover are to overcome, and to others this thought is so abstract that it simply doesn't fit in their head.

(For a personal example from my life)

On Friday June 19 1981 I came unexpected home early, as I opened my door at home I heard noises coming from the first floor.

When I opened my bedroom door I had to see my wife being the burger in a sandwich.

This is etched in my soul and have never been able to erase that.

I sincerely believe that your husband has forgiven you and that you two love each other very much.

You are not a bad person, but you have done bad things as you admit.

Even if your husband were to divorce you, this will not solve anything, rather it will worsen, because the immense love that your husband has for you is and will remain.

I think it is the main reason he is still with you.

Your husband is a survivor of Covid, and that's because of your loving care and devotion, but such a life-changing circumstance also incites introspection.

But his film keeps on running, it doesn't matter if you rinse your mouth 100 times a day, your husband knows what was in it.

Your husband is joking and enjoying you and his family, he loves his wife and his family.

He tries to push away his film and tries to think about other things, but after so many years you and he notice that unlike in a normal film that there are never any end credits and it never shows THE END.

And please don't laugh at me because unfortunately I saw it up close.

A good friend died of a broken heart

( taktsubo cardiomyopathy)

This has been scientifically and medically proven.

This condition is bitter to look at, but can largely be treated with proper guidance.

I think this could be because of the depth of your husband's love, and the way he describes it.

I hope you can do something with my thoughts, You are in my prayers, and wish you both all the best

Dutchman1

No one can take away your dignity, You can only give it away.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2018   ·   location: Neterlands
id 8620018
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Tamers1955 ( New Member #52802) posted at 8:03 AM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

I am sorry that he had covid and nearly died .I know when I had my heart attack and was in IC you really do reflect on your life.As much as he says and wants to forgive you , he can't totally forgive what you have done to him,he may say he has but you just can't .

He must be reflecting on what has went on in his life and to be betrayed by the person who he ,and us all ,didn't think were capable of doing such a thing ,and what he must have done to make you do what you did ,because after all ,why would you have done this if you were so in in love and happy.

He could also be thinking about if all of the things he has done in life were worth it ,like working in a high stress job.

I was self employed and working all the hours going,but driving home one day I just came to the conclusion it wasn't,and decided I'm out ,sold up lost about half a million.

I am now doing part time work in the lowest payed job because I got bored not working ,andI am happier than I have ever been ,having been self employed for 40 years ,i.e.no responsibilities just walk out the door.

So perhaps ,he can live with your affair,and it's just a reflection on life in general,I know I was drivin to always have a bigger house latest Mercedes ,but I'm honestly happy now ,not poor by any means ,I am actually feeling guilty about all the young couples struggling through this pandemic ,trying to feed there kids,so think I will pack that in as well for someone else to have ,and just do volunteer work.

He may just be thinking about life in general and thinking what did I do wrong .

Have you really worked out why you did it ,because he will still be wondering 5 years on .

Hope you both pull through this especially him with his health

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2016   ·   location: Uk
id 8620078
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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

Hi Sharkman.

It's been ages. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I am honored that you chose to come out of the woodwork and post on my thread.

and he never allowed himself to hate you and be angry with you. He chose to lock those emotions away, where they remain.

I don't know where you get that from. He was plenty angry. For years. I am not blaming him in the slightest but he yelled, screamed, cursed, called me a whore who knows how many times, and all sorts of other names. "Never allowed himself to hate you or be angry with you???" Are you sure you aren't confusing him with someone else?

It wasn't your affair that did it for him, it was the phone call that you made from your sister's house that tore his soul.

No, I'm pretty sure it was my affair. You do this a lot. You pick some thing that you feel matters to you and you ascribe it to my husband. I don't know why. Have you asked him? Has he said that? So why would you?

he doesn't understand why you were still leading with your emotion after all was said and done.

I honestly have no idea where you come up with this stuff.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8620111
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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 2:47 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

Hi BeyondRage.

is that Walloped has done a lot of wondering how this all would have turned out had he not been so diligent and somehow proved to you that your boyfriend was no great guy. He snapped you out of the fog by his actions, not by yours.

First, he wasn't my boyfriend. He was the AP. Second, no, I don't think so. He pretty much understands what happens when someone is enmeshed in an A and the whirlwind of emotions in the immediate time after DDay. I don't think I am unique in that I was a total mess and my emotions were all over the place and still very much connected to the AP. I also know that my BH knows that I am not unique in this and it's pretty much normal. As far as how it would have turned out, I don't know what you mean. It wasn't an exit affair. Either I would have been caught later, or like I've said in other threads before, I would have ended it on my own at some point.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8620114
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:21 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

Ok, I just read a portion of your husband's story. It is heartbreaking. I don't know if the two of you ever got to the bottom of why you strayed other than you were vulnerable and the OM played to those vulnerabilities. If you weren't caught, the affair could have dragged on for quite some time, maybe years. We have all read accounts where that has happened. You seemed defensive when Beyondrage described the AP as your boyfriend. But the fact is he was your boyfriend in your secret life that you constructed where you completely forgot about your family, friends, and husband. You did everything a boyfriend and girlfriend would do, including walking down the street holding hands. In your other life, he was the AP you had to keep hidden from everyone. I don't mean to beat up on you. Heavens, you have gone through enough of that. But let's keep the record straight. I am a BS as mentioned previously. My marriage was horrible and walking away was a no brainer. But I certainly recall the pain of my ex-wife's first affair and it never went away after six more years of hell. Much of that had to do with her subsequent behavior. The problem your husband is facing is that he still hopes the wife he had before the affair will magically reappear. But he knows that is impossible. He also knows that the wife he has now is really great, but his old self would never have stayed with her after such an indiscretion. He also realizes that starting over would be a nightmare emotionally and financially. He understands, minimally on a subconscious level, regardless of what he might say, that there is simply no good move he can make to put things back together to his satisfaction. Thus, he is depressed. Five years is just too short a time in this case. It's going to take a long time, if ever, for this cloud to significantly disappear. Sure, he has other stresses, including COVID, but deep down he knows he just can't throw away that shit sandwich. That is just the way it is.

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:37 PM, December 28th (Monday)]

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8620220
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waitedwaytoolong ( Member #51519) posted at 10:17 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

JMO, and also coming from someone who actually could never forgive my EX who was as remorseful, if not more remorseful than Mrs Walloped, the last few posts have been high on speculation about how Walloped feels.

Posts that he made years ago when he JFO don’t necessarily translate to how he is feeling today. I’m sure it sticks with him, but his posts in recent years have been way more positive than what is being portrayed here.

He is in a deep funk. She is trying to figure out ways to help him out of it. I don’t think this is helping

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1838   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8620239
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 10:20 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

You wrote about his new job:

He loves it. It's challenging and it is very rewarding, but it is also a highly stressful job and it is taking a toll on him mentally and physically (he stopped working out and he's just exhausted when he's done with little energy). He can't see himself doing it for too much longer particularly after this illness. So he's just tired but he doesn't want to switch careers yet.

Sounds like an energy-vampire that would leave most men feeling low. Maybe the two of you should talk about accelerating a change here? After a severe case of covid, he goes back to work to this. Yikes.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8620240
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ocdude ( New Member #53335) posted at 11:51 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2020

Arc,

Well stated, u pretty much wriote what I was thinking.

I just wanted to add, I myself had a near death experience recently. It changes a person, makes one think about philosophical things, universal thoughts, the meaning of life, but mainly why?

Why did this happen,? Am I being punished for things that I’ve done? Was I chasing the wrong purpose of life?

ItI makes one realize what’s really important in life, and to not place emphasis on false purposes.

You are the model WW. But he may be wondering why he has a good remorseful WW , instead of just a good faithful wife.

And he is powerless to change the past. He may have past mind movies and questions,

posts: 43   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2016
id 8620267
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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 2:14 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

src9043,

I don't know if the two of you ever got to the bottom of why you strayed other than you were vulnerable and the OM played to those vulnerabilities.

There are lots of threads that go over this. What you wrote is a very superficial view.

If you weren't caught, the affair could have dragged on for quite some time, maybe years.

No, it wouldn't have.

You seemed defensive when Beyondrage described the AP as your boyfriend.

Not defensive. I question the choice of words. He could have written "the AP" but chose to write "boyfriend." Why?

But let's keep the record straight.

There's a record?

I am a BS as mentioned previously. My marriage was horrible and walking away was a no brainer. But I certainly recall the pain of my ex-wife's first affair and it never went away after six more years of hell. Much of that had to do with her subsequent behavior.

I am very sorry you had to go through that.

He also knows that the wife he has now is really great, but his old self would never have stayed with her after such an indiscretion.

I don't understand. He did stay.

He understands, minimally on a subconscious level, regardless of what he might say, that...

So never mind what he says, having just recently read some of his posts from more than 5 years ago, you now know him so well and know his thought processes and feelings that you know better than he does about how he is feeling?

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8620379
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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 2:16 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

Drat.

I shouldn't have hit submit. I am stressed and tired and all of these conjecture type posts that are based on nothing are just getting to me.

Sorry. I thought I was getting better at stepping away.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8620381
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 2:41 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

Here’s a wild idea everyone... maybe what Walloped is going through right now HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS WIFE OR THE AFFAIR!

Maybe, Mrs Walloped, you just need to step back and let him work through his emotions at his own pace. I think it is a bit self-centered to think that his happiness— or lack thereof at the moment— is entirely contingent on you. He’s entitled to his malaise, especially after recovering from a serious illness and starting a demanding job.

I think that it’s safe for him to assume at this point that if he reaches out to you and tells you he needs something that he can rely on you to be responsive. Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest but the most necessary thing you can do.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:42 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, tone, and rewording. I'm not being sneaky; I'm just critical of my own writing.

posts: 471   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8620389
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BraveSirRobin ( Member #69242) posted at 6:46 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

Sorry. I thought I was getting better at stepping away.

You can throw some more shade on Monty Python, if that helps. I can take it!

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:47 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8620464
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:55 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

I apologize that I hit a nerve. Both of you have gone through hell. My perspective comes from being a BS and reading too many stories of BS's never being able to fully recover. But, you are right, I don't know all the details of your story, I don't know you or your husband and I certainly don't wish to ruffle any further feathers. I sincerely hope he has put all of what happened sufficiently behind him. Both of you will know for sure as time progresses. In the scheme of things, five years is not very long.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:29 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8620465
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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

You can throw some more shade on Monty Python, if that helps. I can take it!

Brave MrsWalloped bravely ran away...

That's all I know. Thankfully.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8620492
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

I think i have to agree

That maybe this has nothing to do with infidelity

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8620541
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StrugglingCJ ( Member #72778) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2020

Honestly mrs walloped.. I wish my WW would put 10% of the effort in that you do.. You might not know what to do here.. But you ARE trying to help him however you can..

It took me filing to even get my wife to even think about going NC. After DDay i went through her pulling away.. Health issues getting worse.. Culminating in a cancer scare.. During which she CHOSE to continually talk to the AP.. as if nothing i did made a difference..

You are 5 years out and still trying.. It will be 2 years for me this march.. She is already throwing phrases out like its time you were past this.. Its been 2 years... It didn't mean anything etc..

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8620552
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LostToOM ( New Member #56620) posted at 3:51 AM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

I lifted this from someplace else. Hope it's ok to post it. There's a point to it. Could possibly apply.

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

posts: 37   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2016   ·   location: Central PA
id 8620627
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