Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Devastated and Confused

Topic is Sleeping.

 AllieKay (original poster New Member #75930) posted at 12:56 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

25 years together, years I thought were good. DD Aug 31, have found 4 others in the past 10 years. He tried at first, then slowly started backing away. Says he does not want to be married and has returned to the OW. Condescending, mean, rewriting our history. Very little contact with the kids. I feel like pursuing divorce is my only option and it breaks my heart. Attempting NC. Am worried he will come crawling back before I'm strong enough to say no. Stuck in the "why" and "how did this happen" phase and desperately want to get out. It's like my brain hasn't caught up to reality yet. Not sleeping, lost 40 pounds, can't concentrate (seeing a counselor and on meds). When does it start to get better?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8613026

Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 1:23 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Ok, deep breath, we hear you. The most important thing at this time is taking care of yourself. Others on this site will be posting for you, but in the meantime, check out the healing library and concentrate on what you need. We are here for you.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8613034

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

I’m sorry you have joined this forum but you will get great advice and support here.

We all understand your pain and devastation.

If he has returned to the OW and is convinced that is the right choice, obviously you know there is very little you can do to change his mind.

Right now your options and focus need to be on you, not him. As hard as that is to understand you need to stop wasting your effort and change your focus from him to you. If he’s still seeing the OW you don’t have much to work with. He’s not reconciliation material at this time.

I strongly suggest you get some professional counseling just for you.

You should contact an attorney to understand what you are entitled to in terms of a possible divorce.

Start hoarding $ in an account in your name. Some account he doesn’t have access to.

Get a complete health check up including STD testing.

Start going no contact with him except if it has to do with your children. In the Healing Library in the upper left of this forum is informative posts on the 180. It will help you from living under the infidelity cloud you are currently living under.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:15 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8613062

KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 4:39 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Chin up and dump that chump!! We support your independence.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8613146

Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:07 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

This is what you need to accept. You were married and he wasn’t. Sadly, there are people who do not love. It isn’t that they don’t, it’s that they can’t. Who knows how they got that way. From what I understand children who do not have dependable parents can’t trust them enough to love them. If they can’t healthily love their parents they will never be able to totally commit to anyone. He would have done this to anyone. Serial cheaters are in a league of their own and almost never change because they can’t.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8613162

 AllieKay (original poster New Member #75930) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Thank you everyone! I'm also on Twitter and continue to be amazed at the kindness of strangers. It's a shitty tribe to belong to-but thank you for being here.

I'll look at the resources suggested.

Cooley2here--that's exactly what it is-I was married but he wasn't. And god it hurts and I'm trying not to be hard on myself for not realizing sooner. He's a better liar and actor than I thought possible.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8613196
Topic is Sleeping.
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