Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Each new piece of evidence is a stab in my heart

Topic is Sleeping.

 HatsOff (original poster New Member #75906) posted at 4:34 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Summary: D-day #3 11/24/20. WS on escort sites.

We have had a few conversation about the situation since I confronted him Tuesday. I’ve been pretty good at keeping the focus and not allowing him to turn it on me.

I’ve also been collecting evidence and so I asked questions to see if he was telling me the truth.

For example:

Question:When was the last time you sent a message to someone in the website?

Answer: Last week

Lie. I checked his history on his phone. It was the day before.

Question: Are you still chatting with the old (female) friend I know is into you or have you stopped as I asked?

Answer: Well, I sent a Thanksgiving greeting but it was a general one to all my Facebook friends.

Lie. I saw a Facebook messenger history with a long list of conversations about everyday stuff and requests from her to see him. (He didn’t reply to her requests but neither did he say that isn’t going to happen. )

Then today I uncovered evidence that he created new Snapchat and Twitter accounts Wednesday.

I keep feeling like I am calming down and can think clearly then a new piece of evidence sends me into a tail spin. And he isn’t giving me room to think either. Calling all day when he is at work. Insisting we do everything together at home.

Before I get too rambling, here is my question. I haven’t called him out directly. I’ve said I believe you are lying but haven’t said I have proof. I feel if I reveal I have proof he will just change tactics and I won’t be able to find out more. The new accounts are proof of that.

So, when if ever do I show my hand?

P.S. I’ve contacted a therapist and I’m contacting a lawyer.

[This message edited by HatsOff at 11:07 PM, November 28th (Saturday)]

Me:51 WS:50
Married 28 years
9 kids from 32-17
D-day #1 1996 PA
D-day #2 2005 PA-Exit
D-day #2.5 2015 Potential PA
D-day #3 Nov.23,2020 Online/escort

posts: 48   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8612713

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:14 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

I’m sorry you are facing this. I hope a few observations will help you.

Keep all your “evidence” in a safe place. Hard copy everything you need.

You may only know what is going on currently. You may not know how long he’s been behaving this way or if he has met up with people in the past.

Monitor the current new social media accounts for as long as you need. However you know if they are a secret he’s up to no good.

Typical cheater behavior is to blame the betrayed spouse. Do not let that happen. Nothing you did or did not do caused him to cheat. Cheating is a choice he makes.

He appears to be averse to monogamy. He may be considered a serial al cheater which means he cheats no matter what. Good or bad. He just chooses to cheat.

Professional counseling for yourself can be beneficial. Please consider it. Just for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:01 AM, November 28th (Saturday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8612715

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:07 PM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Every new piece of evidence may very well be stab in your heart. You're not crazy - discovery is painful and traumatic.

Very gently, I don't think your H will change without the help of a good IC.

A couple of reasons MC wasn't helpful are probably 1) your M didn't fail - your H did, and 2) your H is unwilling to look inside, see himself as he really is, and change.

What if your H won't change? What do you want to do?

If you want help detaching, I recommend the 'simplified' 180 -

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:09 PM, November 28th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8612797

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:24 PM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

What is living with his lies going to get you?

More proof? For what?

Most important thing is don’t lie to yourself.

Living on hopium will just waste your time and you won’t get it back.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8612816
Topic is Sleeping.
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